The International Writers Magazine: 21st Century - Is This
2024 - A
Andrew Walker in the year
stared at the shapely characters on her left shoulder with a sense
of high intrigue. I asked for their meaning. She told me it was
Arabic for "Smoking while pregnant harms your baby".
I continued to admire this strange blemish on her beautifully
modified skin, as she returned the burning Mayfair stub to her
lips for another toxic inhalation. Tattoos are no longer a controversial
subject as they were in our day. The girl with the health warning
on her upper left back is my daughter. This kind of thing is something
of normality, thanks to the increases in cosmetic surgery, and
the reduction to costs of tattoo removal.
is now a worldwide industry. Shares of the larger companies, such as
Ink-off co, and The Laser People sometimes exceed
in price over the likes of Coca-cola and Microsoft.
The world economy aside, Ill return to Nip and Tuck.
Back in 2011, facing early retirement David Beckham decided to resort
to the ultimate image changing publicity stunt. He had a fin surgically
attached to his head and spine. Peoples interest returned to a
satisfactory level, and while his sex appeal, as would be expected for
a man with fish-like features, did suffer slightly, he managed to maintain
some, holding down the 47th place in Cosmopolitan magazines official
Fifty Sexiest Men poll that very year.
However, Beckhams decision to mutilate himself came with diabolical
consequences. The lambs followed their shepherd, as always. But this
was no Mohawk. This was not merely a female haircut on a male body.
Nor was it poorly spelled, grammatically incorrect oriental writing
representing advertised love for a family member. No sir, this was a
fin. For the first time in his long career, the man who was once said
to have had golden testicles had gained the support of the entire alternative
Young men dropped their black makeup, and pushed their black Bucket
of Death, and Slipknot hooded jumpers to the back of their wardrobes
to make way for a topless summer, baring their very own aquatic body
parts. The government were powerless, the parents were angry. Fish components
became the new swearing in the parental bid to save their children from
this soon to be international outrage. In 2014 a group calling themselves
Fathers Against Ghastly Surgery, having concluded that, the now Derby
County manager, Beckham was the reason behind the craze, awaited his
exit from the grounds after a Tuesday morning training session. Security
stood no chance. Beckhams fin was brutally severed by the groups
leading members. He died in hospital the following day, but the cosmetic
surgery craze continued to rise as young men resorted to fins in tribute
to their former hero.
fad didnt stop at fins, it developed into tails, and very
briefly, eyelid removal, but that was quickly illegalised. But these
unusual customers enabled cosmetic surgeons to reduce prices for
the less extreme treatments. Which is why my daughter has perfect
skin, and breast implants. The skin was a Christmas present, so
I would hate for her to waste my money by sticking some hideous
fins to it, and is why I am glad she is satisfied by a simple tattoo,
which actually looks pretty good. She afforded the breast enlargements
by harvesting the fruits of working in a coffee shop one summer.
"All the kids have them" she used to say.
Other things have
changed of course. Starburst, formerly known as Opal Fruits, changed
to Rainbow Blocks, but after a pointless legal battle arguing that there
are only four of the colours of the rainbow in these sweets, the name
was changed again to Fruity Chunks. Thats a lot of name changes,
rather like that old guy, Prince or Taffcaps or whatever he calls himself
now. As for fantasies like hover-cars, I think the people in charge
must have realised what a bad idea it would be to give road-rage a third
dimension. Dont even start me off on teleportation, there are
far too many reasons why thats a stupid idea.
So, most of the world has stayed the same. Grass is still greenish brown,
Coco-pops are still Coco-pops, and North Korea still has an unrivalled
Whats that? You didnt know? Give it
a year, and prepare for some more repetitive headlines. Politicians
still talk a lot of crap. People still eat a lot of crap. Amongst my
ex-wives was one of almost five hundred people to successfully sue McDonalds
in the last decade. Boy, did she get fat, and then rich.
So, dont you all worry about the next twenty years. Just the usual
daily grind, lots of wars and a world domination attempt by mutated
penguins. Theyre extinct now! Just stay away from fins and Canadian
beef, thats my advice. Anyway, Ill see you youngsters when
youre old like me. Then well see whos right!
© Andy Walker Dec 2024
Andrew is a Creative Arts Student at the University of Portsmouth
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