International Writers Magazine: Lifestories
Law is testing and testing again.
testing can any one hear me? I dont think my mike is working,
I am speaking here, I know that you can see me but why is no one
hearing me? I
am screaming inside but my exterior is upbeat and calm, I think.
Am I being tested? Again? Have I not proven myself over and over
again? Do the Gods not believe me that I, no matter what is thrown
at me or how despondent I get, I still believe?
Pic: Sara & Bill
Look into my soul
and you will see the truth, I believe in my destiny, my calling, my
journey, and the importance of that journey, so lay off and let me get
on with it.
My emotion has to have an outlet; my thoughts are my logical way of
clarifying the situation. My pain is my frustration of being so vulnerable.
But where I live in my heart and by my spirit within I know that there
are bigger plans for me.
Three weeks ago on a beautiful British Columbian Canadian sunny day
in Squamish, while out with my two daughters and their friend, swimming
and enjoying life, I fell and snapped my Fibula and Tibia. I am used
to being an independent woman, driving people around, helping them,
always counting on me, now that the role has reversed I am screaming
and I hate being dependent on others. I cannot stand (for 6 weeks) I
cannot walk, I cant even get a glass of water on my own; I am
feeling vulnerable and naked.
My children Tasha 17, Tabytha 23, Tyler 21, are doing what they can
cope with. They are not used to seeing mum in this situation and they
have very busy lives of their own. Tasha as she still lives at home,
has to drive me everywhere and does her best. Tabs has taken the dog
a couple of times, and Ty also has taken dog, but my daily needs outweigh
their availability. It would be nice if they could actually spend some
time with me though, but thank you kids for doing what you can. But
I do have one secret fairy godfather.
The person I feared would be negatively effected the most by, is my
Bill, my business partner my lover, my friend. He is taking so much
care of me, he cooks, launders, walks dog, humors me and takes care
of me, even tough he works 40 hours a week at one job out of the home,
works 30 hours on our business (developing a revolutionary new motor
for bicycles to cars to boats www.emit-ezone.com)
he has problems with his ex and children - and then theres
me. Our friendship is years old, our business 20 months, but our relationship
is only seven months and this kind of thing can break or make a relationship.
I thank you Bill for proving for the very first time in my life, that
a man can be there for me no matter what, in support, care, trust and
in love. I hope that my strength helps you through your own Murphys
bog to the other side. There is a reason for everything and in order
to give the world this new wondrous technology, we must be worthy and
Vulnerability is a scary thing, none wants to be unable to do the things
for ones self or to be put in position of counting on others. You feel
so helpless and beholdant and hate asking for any thing because you
do not want to be a bother to anyone. You also find out who your true
friends are. My friends said "enjoy the ride let people look after
you for a change" but due to their lives, distances, they cannot
be there daily for my general needs. Though as usual some stand out
above the crowd, like Jan who has visited me twice and taken me to the
hospital twice and driven where I need to go. Also Marie, with her baked
goods yummy, who is always picking things up for me. Helen for visiting
with gifts, and Cindy for her constant up lifting words of encouragement
at the right time, also the Neways gifts filled with nutritional
bone builders and creams; that will help me heal faster. For Karen giving
me good news about being pregnant, (which I predicted for her) and Debbie
for her friendship and wanting to help me with my Kokomo (dog) but alas
living too far away. It is good to know that when in need they are there
for you. Thank you guys.
The other thing that I have realised is how unfriendly wheelchair accessibility
is and how people view you in that chair. Some come and give a support
smile and encouraging words, some just avoid you incase you might need
some thing from them. Entrances and room to maneuver is hell, and even
getting the chair in the car is a pain. When someone is in hospital
for an op or an illness it is generally for a week or two, making meals,
shopping or visiting is not so much a chore then. But when it is a 6
to 7 week thing it is a burden and intrusion into their lives. I do
really feel for the people that have to live in wheel chairs all their
lives and will (not that I did not before) be far more understanding
in the future. One thing I can say is that Starbucks has the best washrooms
for wheel chairs.
The other thing I think people dont realise is how hard it is
to get around with a walker/crutches. I cannot use the crutches as I
have fallen twice cause I have no sense of balance. The walker (getting
ready for old age) gives so much more stability, but with all the pressure
being on one leg and two arms, it is had to get anywhere fast or far.
So all of you out there with two able legs quit your moaning and help
a person out instead of tripping over them.
It was Cindy who told me of Murphys Law. The 97% who strive have
some success only to fail and the 3% who strive and no matter what will
not give in but keep on going with what ever is frown at them. Well
I intend to be that 3%, nothing none and no way am I going down. If
you have read any of my past articles you will now that however down
I may get for a brief while, you cannot keep me there.
Be prepared to walk into life blind, deaf and dumb and feel your way
to vision, purpose, and hear the sounds of your life awaken. I know
not what I am, I know not what I believe, I know not what I do, but
I know enough to walk into the land of the unknown to discover my true
being in life
To gain you have to give.
The purpose of my life will be revealed when I have learned all I need
to know when I get there. In blind faith, and total trust I walk the
abyss in peace and acknowledgement knowing that I am part of that 3%
to survive Murphys Law. So test away Murphy, broken leg, broken
heart, broken spirit, broken trust, I have survived all of these and
I will crawl grovel drag my way out of this bog, to excel another day.
It comes down to do we want it enough to pay the price. Do we believe
in our selves enough and do we believe in our purpose enough. I have
for most of my life been told that I am not worthy, because I did not
have a degree or a commonly known job. But all my life I have had the
ability to help people on their journey and give them the strength and
support to get where it is they are meant to go. Was I trained in this?
Only by God and the instincts that he gave me. Coming from an academic
family it was hard to but a value on this because I did not have a piece
of paper to say that I was taught this gift by someone else. Most people
never listen to their instincts, the answers are always there if only
you tune in and feel them rather than dictate it. I have now given myself
the value of this gift, and know that this is why I am here. So to give
up and give in would be to go against everything that I believe in and
everything that I stand for. I will be one of the 3% to survive Murphys
Law, as that is my purpose. How can I say to you that you can do it,
you can make, it if I have not had the journey myself. So pain, sorrow,
fear, loss, betrayal, and let down, I have experienced it all, and I
have survived, can you? Do you have it in you to fight struggle and
never loose sight of your journey no matter what?
To all those who dare to follow their dreams; NEVER GIVE UP AND NEVER
GIVE IN for the world needs believers with conviction and blind faith.
I will be dancing again soon and all the stronger for it. So crank up
the stereo and look out for me cause here I come. And dont forget
to give a helping hand to those that need it while making them feel
strong and independent at the same time. We all need help at some point
in our lives, so give a hand and accept a hand there is no pride lost
in asking for it.
P.S Murphy struck again I have a burst water main that I am told has
to be replaced, Murphy, Murphy the games you play.
I Wish you all laughter love and intuition.
© Sara Towe September 2006
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