Lifestyles: Celebrity

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WHAT LIES BEYOND THE CELEBRITY CRUSH? • michael sean morris Among my friends, I am the queen of the celebrity crush, and always have been. If it’s tall, dark, handsome, and regularly appears on the covers of glossy magazines, I’m his. It doesn’t even matter to me how dreadful the movie is, as long as I get a couple of hours alone with him in the dark once in awhile, I’m happy.

George Michael

In high school (even though I was "straight" in high school) it was musicians: tragedy queens like Dave Gahan (lead singer of Depeche Mode), Jon Moss (Culture Club drummer and erstwhile swain of Boy George) and, of course, the ever-popular George Michael (back when he was also straight). Having graduated high school, I graduated to actors, in which rut I have been ever since. I can proudly admit that I was one of the first to be into George Clooney (back when he was on ‘Roseanne’ and had long hair). George begat silver fox Tom Skerritt (of ‘Picket Fences’) who begat Matthew Broderick, who begat… You begatting the point.

It’s getting to be something of a joke, these crushes of mine, and the older I get the more I’m getting to be something of a joke because of them. Since even the most average guys at my neighbourhood gay bar turns up his nose at me, what’s the point of spending all my time pining over him when for the same effort (and effect) I can do so over Ben Affleck? Or Ashton Kutcher? Or Adrien Brody? What encouragement have I to even try and relate to an ordinary person?

The simple answer is: sanity. Crushing on movie stars is fine for teenagers, and even into your twenties it can give your aspirations a certain degree of focus, but I’m in my thirties now. Swooning over completely unattainable straight guys just doesn’t have the kick for me it once had. It’s time I grew up and faced facts: I will never be a Hollywood trophy husband like that male model who’s been David Hyde Pierce’s ‘roommate’ for years; I will never succeed in coaxing a certain would-be leading man to come out of the closet for me, even if I become his 'best friend' first. Idealizing movie stars is the surest way to make that average guy (whomever he may be) seem even less attractive to me than he probably is.

Pop psychologists please take note: I’m not a total nut job. I’m only a star-fucker because I have normal, healthy urges and no other way to express them, or should I say, no one else on whom I may lavish them. Ben and Ashton and Adrien have seen me through a lot, but I think it’s time they got their freedom. Before I become some stalker who turns up on Access Hollywood just long enough to be pitied by the blown-dry hairdos who host it, it’s time to grab some dignity. That, and a nice, attainable, average guy.
Now, if I only knew where to find one…

© Michael Sean Morris November 2003
Aunt Misha

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