THE ENRON FIASCO
CEO of a multi-billion dollar energy concern was nothing more than a Liza
Minelli impersonator from South Florida.
Report From The Desk "This ain't about this that what where or how
- this is about the freaks doing everything they wanna do Now." Prince
*With very little funds and even less disposable time, the Reality Check
News & Information staff was able to track down several reliable sources
in an ongoing investigation into the wildly popular Enron fiasco. The
subjects, ranging from low -level insiders with the beleaguered corporation
to peripheral clients of the dubious Arthur Anderson Accounting Firm,
relayed the following details under their own volition. No one was paid,
drugged or coerced into coming forth nor were they necessarily direct
victims of any presently discussed alleged corporate and accounting malfeasance.
As is the ritual around here, the bulk of the information was edited for
content by myself and sent to each individual contributor to either reject
or qualify. It is important to note that all interested parties stood
by the following story.
Late in the winter of 2000 the Enron Corporation
purchased huge tracks of land in the Alaskan wildlife area to ostensibly
build an amusement park to be run by current vice president, Dick Chaney
under the supervision of Greenpeace. But it was merely a front for illegal
drilling and gun running to be overseen by Chinese naval captains who
were using kickbacks from prominent investors to torture Tibetan monks
and fund forced abortions.
A gentleman, whom we shall dub, Zippy Smith handled the clandestine negotiations
and claims that one of the key investors was a high-ranking government
official whose main responsibility was the recruitment of Serbian refugees
to act as a diversion at the Russian border.
It was during this time, according to Smith's estimation, that nearly
a third of Enron's donations to the Clinton administration were used to
develop specific levels of germ warfare in the basement of a Pizza Hut
outside the city of Khobar in Saudi Arabia.
Another source, known to us as Dark Horse, confirmed much of Smith's allegations,
but made it clear that Enron was never officially registered as a corporation
at all. From the start, former CEO Kenneth Lay, recently in the news for
pleading the fifth during congressional hearings, was implemented at the
helm as a patsy.
According to Dark Horse, Lay was a notorious cross-dresser and charter
member of Divas Key West; a Florida based female impersonator entertainment
company. During the Gulf War, Lay worked as an assistant to Dick Chaney
and was expected to barter deals with every rogue element in OPEC, including
the overtly effeminate stepfather of Osama bin Laden.
But a third source close to the operation tells us that Lay was never
there, and that his name was being used unbeknownst to him while working
feverishly on his award-winning Liza Minelli routine.
This source, to whom we must refer to as Chunky, claims to have
been present at several meetings in which Chaney ordered around a
diminutive Arab boy whom he routinely called Kenny. It was this kid's
answer any phone calls regarding "the Alaskan thing."
The plot thickens from here.
Zippy Smith explicitly confirms the Dark Horse tale and told us that around
this time the Bush sr. administration was trying to outfox Saddam Hussein
by creating fictitious energy concerns. The historically squeaky clean,
Arthur Anderson accounting firm was hired with obscene defense monies
to create the phony corporations from thin air under the guise of national
It turns out that one of the surviving names was Enron, and during the
Internet boom of the mid-90s' several recently indicted accountants in
the employ of Arthur Anderson began creating a solvent company from five-year
old fabricated books.
Our Arthur Anderson source echoed the story while adding that all of the
documents originally drawn up included the names of deceased land barons
from the late 1800s'. These are the papers key AA accountants shredded
during the final days of Enron.
It was around this time that Kenneth Lay darted back into the picture
after his alleged incarceration on trumped up charges of public nudity
and male prostitution. Both Smith and Dark Horse agree that Lay's subsequent
suit against the Monroe County police was mysteriously dismissed. Apparently
an unnamed character witness later identified as Cliffy Boy revealed that
Lay had been merely working undercover as a correspondent for 60 Minutes.
CBS executives could not be reached for comment. It was getting
late and we were hungry.
Dark Horse intimates that the mysterious, Cliffy Boy was the late,
J. Clifford Baxter, former vice chairman of Enron who was found dead of
an apparent suicide outside his home in Sugar Land, Texas, but is
vehement in his claim that "this was no suicide, Bub."
The question raised several times throughout the investigation was
how were the employees involved in the decade-long scam?
Dark Horse told us that the original employees were in on the scheme,
but left soon after unloading their phony stocks at record highs.
Many of the original members of the Enron Project used the fast cash to
buy shares in the Houston Astros and named the stadium after the bogus
company for laughs. The governor of Texas at the time, now president,
George W. Bush, former owner of the Texas Rangers and a known Astros hater,
threatened to blow the whistle on Enron, but the project had been his
father's puppy and continued to rake in billions for the state. So Bush
decided instead to use blackmail to procure ridiculous campaign funds
in exchange for announcing Dick Chaney as his running mate.
The new employees were merely on a need to know basis, which didn't seem
like trouble until the NASDAQ collapse in July of 2000.
By September of that year Enron needed new blood and started working with
the CIA, pillaged by budget cuts and mostly bored stiff, to deal with
underground real estate groups in the purchasing of land throughout the
US and Canada. Zippy tells us the plan was to drill for oil beneath the
radar of the soon to be doomed Environmental Protection Agency.
Come fall, all that mattered little when G.W. outspent John McCain in
the GOP primaries and squeaked by the general election to become president
of the United States and appoint party lackey, Christie Todd Whitman to
head of the EPA.
Whitman was on a private Enron jet with our Zippy Smith the day a cub
reporter from the Fort Worth Telegram called Enron executives to rebut
a rumor that the company never existed and the CEO of a multi-billion
dollar energy concern was nothing more than a Liza Minelli impersonator
from South Florida.
This prompted a frenzied mass selling off of all phony stock and a cover-up
worthy of Wall Street, throwing thousands of innocents into sudden poverty
and a cadre of boring pundits from the drone of actuary hell into our
living rooms nightly. Not to mention the millions that will be spent trying
With apologies to that drunken fossil, Paul Harvey, now you know
the rest of the story.
© James Campion 2002
IN THE TOY DEPARTMENT
'Firstly, Mike Tyson should be shackled to a spinning platform in the
middle of some designated town square like Hugo's Hunchback'.
© James Campion 2002 'Mr Reality Check'
Previously by James
HOW THE APPLE WAS WON
KEN KESEY RIP
ISRAEL - Blinded by the light?
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