---

•THE STATE OF THINGS •

Well you might think that England is in a mess, that night after night the barnyard animals burn in massive bonfires and those that aren't burning quake with fear, that the railways are the most dangerous form of travel, and any minute now there's going to be a recession when the countryside goes bust - but we couldn't possibly say so.

Making sense of England (and we'll throw in Scotland and Wales for the sake of the argument even though they rather we didn't) isn't easy. The media is screaming chaos everywhere, but you only have to drive from one end of the country to the other to discover that everything looks pretty normal. It might be tough down on the farm, it might be that many farmers are thinking about giving up, or facing ruin, but the reality is that the land has been divorced from the city and for most people, it is that place you don't go to. That place where the farmers have ploughed up the pathways to discourage ramblers, that place where not much goes on really. That place where creatures die in massive quantities.

We are increasingly city folk, we like our countryside organised into parks, with ''facilities' and ice-creams for the kids. We like cities because people live there, you can get coffee after 5pm, there are bookshops, art galleries, you don't have to eat before eight pm because all the restuarants have closed (if there are any restuarants). City folks have a romantic notion of the countryside. They are soon disabused. You only have to arrive in a place like Cornwall to realise that. Most places are closed more than they are open. Alright you might think you want a second home here with a view of the sea, but I suggest you spend a winter here confined to your home because you can't actually go outside. You can spend this time dealing with the damp in the walls of your house. Here is a big tip. Rent for a year, or two years first, then if you still want to buy, you probably don't A: have a life or B: want one. It is essential to bring a partner with you, because no one local will talk to you, well not the first ten years anyway.

England is pretty dull. We are always shocked to discover that billions are earned every year by our inward tourism trade. We feel sorry for these people having to stay in hideously expensive English hotels or the rather uncomfortable B&Bs. There's one hotel we put a famous writer in just last month. She was given the rules as she entered. Cash only, curfew ten pm. Breakfast between eight and eight -thirty, no hot water at night and only between seven-thirty and eight in the morning. That'll be £35 pounds please. I won't name this wonderful Cornish establishment.

A lot of cities, saving places like Newcastle, Manchester or Edinburgh and Glasgow, rarely cater for people who aspire to enjoy any culture. Most towns don't make any attempt whatsoever. (I should know I come from Lincolnshire where culture is something you scrape off your boots). Is there a cure? Is there anything we can do to make England more interesting or lively, or more inhabitable? Not really. It's against our nature. We like to complain about things that go wrong and this government is giving us a feast of things we can complain about. This is the way things have always been. If you don't like it, you can leave, go to places where restaurants stay open, where the sun shines, where there are beaches where you don't have to wear a sweater in summer. But beware, your friends will tell you, you'll also have to put up with car bombs, and riots and bitter tasting coffee.

And you'll think about it, think of the rock cakes and lukewarm tea on sale in Devon, think about the pebble beaches in Brighton, think of the themed pubs, the bingo halls, the fact that a newspaper like the SUN decides elections, you'll think about the appalling choice of political parties you'll have to choose from come the election and you'll book that flight, you'll buy that place in the sun and you'll say - why didn't I leave earlier. You'll sit in the sun, under the shade, reading calmly, perhaps wondering what it is you can do for a living in a thriving European economy and once you have learned their language, you'll know you spent all those years in denial, you'll feel cheated, angry, you'll never want to go home again, you won't miss the tea, you won't miss the cricket, you won't miss Keith Vaz.

It's spring - buy a ticket. Leave now...you know you want to.

Don't know where to go? We have destinations all over the world for you here

© Sam North -Managing Editor

---

< Back to Index
< About the Author
< Reply to this Article