The International Writers Magazine:Barfly Etiquette

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Behind The Bar • Anna Kosmanovski It’s 5.30 am exactly and I am now home writing this. No I do not have a late night obsession with War Lord Games, nor do I have a paticular special hankering of gazing at the moon. I work at a nightclub and here is a fascinating glimpse of the world of bar people, who I must say commend respect. Respect for working late hours, and respect from you, dear reader, as we are the providers of your refreshing beverages.

RANDOM STUFF
Tonight here is an example of the wacky stuff that you notice:
- Tonight someone was ranting to me "Jesus didn’t heal the Lepars. The lepers!! And what of the spots on their foreheads?"
- A guy tried to tell me that, while he "liked girls..(though he liked computers on par, if not more) and if he ever had a girlfriend, he should like us both. Um,.. Thankyou.
- Two drunk customers tried to give me their wallets, which I graciously refused.
- Glo-sticks? Save it for God’s Kitchen, not your local.
- Two blokes taking tequila shots and squirting the lemon in their eye while sprinking the salt.

TIPPING
Why would you wait angrily for twenty cents change to grab?
Yes I know we are students and probably not all of a Hilton trust fund, but come on. It’s just degrading to be excessively tight.
Tipping is not a wide practise for all, but if you feel like someone is doing a good job tip your bar person instead of losing your $1.80 down the taxi seat on the way home.
Also, beware of drug dealers trying to tip you obscene amounts of money. By the way, probably beware of drug dealers full stop. How to tell if a customer may be a drug dealer? He comes in an ill fitting yet expensive suit, then the next night looks comfortable in a ripped flannel. He brags he has more money than your nightclub, but when you enquire as to how he obtained his good fortune, he will not disclose.
By the way, if a beer is $3.00, then that normally means it will cost you 3 Australian dollars to have one. DO not try to barter with your bar person, "2.50?" "2.70?" "Aww come on, here’s 70 cents- best deal you’ll get for my Carlton draft." Save it for a Bali market, Punk. Unfortunately, nightclubs are not a charity and not a means of financial compromise.

TRYING TO INITIATE DATING
Pick Up Lines
For some reason, bad pick up lines seem to be first and foremost tested on bar people before reaching the wider community.
And especially non creative lines are tested on the bar population. Genuis wit like, "Um… my mate wants to know…. Um…. He’s um yeh so what do you think?" Back to the Blu-light guys.
NB: The question, "What time do you finish?/What time do you knock off?" does not directly affect the person asking. And if a bar person is chatty enough to reveal what time they may finish their long hard shift, the person asking should know that this is of no relevance to them. Thus, to avoid any confusion I have seen the recipient of this question answer "Never. Working all night" and that seems to do the job.

THE HOURS
Yes its long hours. But it suits those who love the nightlife. It is a way to justify a party lifestyle, because ‘thats what you do.’
Appreciating pizza even more
Being able to recite the words to info-mercials.
However, you are normally not up for ‘Good Morning Australia." But, don’t despair, there is always the chance to watch Huey and his butterery Bilo baking in the arvo.

SEEING THE UGLY REALITY OF IT ALL
Seeing how silly people look when they’re drunk. Yet that still doesn’t deter me!
Seeing how slow peoples faces move when they’r drunk. Sometimes looks contorted indeed.
Seeing people fall over, especially girls. Yet again, this still happens to me.
Seeing guys get loud and abusive
Seeing girls get loud and abusive

HUMAN BEHAVIOUR
Interesting to watch people in a nightclub. You see the poor unconfident guy who the drunken girl in a Supre dress takes advantage of financially.
You see some people who are so insecure that they cannot stand by themselves and have a drink. Instead you see fingers flickering important messages or invisible messages, girls playing with hair, eyes riveted and darting trying to look important. You see the arrogant troublemaker happy enough to try and proposition you around his footy mates yet then look sheepish and scared when he’s by himself.

WHAT PEOPLE DRINK
I’m sorry I may be old fashioned but girls, if your boyfriend orders a vodka and raspberry he is Gay or at least bi. If he ever uses a straw to daintily sip his sweet drink, take him to any gay club on Commerical Road and start again.
One night there was a very ‘blokey’ type of guy. He’d drink Jim Beam, he was wearing a Holden t-shirt. He was a real ‘bloke’ bloke. After many manly drinks of VB, scotch, bourbon…he finally was so drunk he beckoned to me quietly
"Oh I’ll just have a Jim Beam..actually no, stuff it. Yes! I’ll get a vodka and raspberry please."
And that guy drank his bright pink drink a happy man.
I don’t know where he is now, god bless his honest soul, but I’m sure now he has ‘come out’ and good on him for it.

WHEN THE LIGHTS START TO GET BRIGHTER Towards close you see 200 mobile phones simultaneously store a love best (and indeed will be) forgotten the next day. "Jan Mobk" –who is John Mobile? You see newly formed couples pledge their undying love to each other, you see messy stumbling fumbling, you see people who believe that just because they shut their eyes they are obviously in a hotel room. And then sometimes, you see these same people initiate this courting game with a new person the next night.

Just before close, you will see a renewed faith in people buying drinks. You see the drunks trying to drink even more, when all you will serve is water. And in the morning they will thankyou –"oh bar angel, thank you for not letting me spend that extra 50 bucks on Chartreuse shots for me and the local netball team- Now I afford to fill my car with petrol."

© Anna K
foxyannie49 at hotmail.com
Anna is journalism student at Deakin University (Melbourne)

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