The International Writers Magazine: Comment
DESTINY MADE EASIER THROUGH MODERN CHEMISTRY
"Thereby I became the supreme judge of the German people."
- Adolf Hitler June 30, 1934
"In Islam, the legislative power and competence to establish
laws belong exclusively to God Almighty."
- Ayatollah Khomeini
The abuse of LSD
at the New York Times has reached epidemic proportions. I happen to
know it isnt just at the print level anymore, but management and
editorial staff have now imbibed beyond any definition of recreational
consumption. Tripping has become a prerequisite for Times columnists.
William Safir has perfected the art of soaking bandanas in pure Delysid
and Maureen Dowd is so far gone she has allegedly told friends of plans
to spike the D.C. water supply on New Years Eve.
"I think the best thing for Donald Rumsfeld is acid!" Dowd
was heard screaming over the phone this past week. "Acid or suicide!"
What kind of madness would prompt me, or any rational person to write
such profane nonsense? Acid? I think not. Im no fan of mind expansion.
Not nearly as much as blotting out ones fantasies with gin or
something stronger, and then sitting at the keyboard and regurgitating
this crap weekly. But it is all true, or at least as true as the evidence
would suggest. And that is all that is needed today. Evidence. For Barry
Bonds or Tom Friedman. Smells like teen spirit? Smells like liberal
This is why the NY Times has never understood George W. Bush.
The president is a cokehead. He has all the tendencies: paranoia, overt
machismo, a painful inability to construct coherent thoughts verbally,
and a penchant to scratch his groin incessantly without shame. Only
a serious speed freak would continue to describe what is happening in
Iraq as progress. And only acid junkies would comment so blindly that
there is some kind of insidious US plan for a bloodless coup in that
mess. Puppet regimes in the waiting? Not likely.
The American government is being duped by Iran, which now all but controls
the fate of the coming January election. Not even what is left of the
CIA can stop it. Any clear-thinking person without agenda or chemical
dependency in the know understands this. Soon the Shiites will be in
charge. They will take orders from Ayatollah Seyyed Ali Khamenei and
ask the Americans to leave, thank you very much. And all of Saddam Husseins
nightmares will come true. He will be tried by the western infidels
while the very same Iranians the United States paid him to keep at bay
will run amok in his charred palaces, toasting his jailing. People paid
good money to practice journalism still possess the stones to ask why
the hell Hussein kept refusing to reveal he had no weapons, even with
the threat of US agression. The answer is simple. Either lie to the
UN or risk letting the Iranians know he was a paper tiger and take him
out. Americans seem to care about women and children and hospitals and
taking prisoners. This is of little concern to Iranians. It was a fair
trade off. Hussein knew, as the CIA, that if it were the Iranians pouring
over the border, the grand poobahs head would have been on a spike,
instead of getting a lice exam on CNN. Now the politicos, or whatever
they call themselves in Tehran these days see daylight with this hamstrung
election next month, and soon the bloody hands of the American president
will be asked to shake with the men who will plot 9/11 Part Deux and
the US will have to convince the rest of the planet how we have to gut
the whole goddamned thing again.
And this will all be done legally through an election.
At least that is how it will appear. Elections are funny things.
Sometimes theyre on the up and up, and sometimes the dead walk
and pistols are brandished. Sometimes candidates bug offices and other
times their soup is poisoned. Sometimes there is The Night of Long Knives
and things go awry.
I see what is transpiring in Iraq right now, and although it resembles
no real Euro-historical perspective outside the homoganized white-mans
Bible being peddled in Alabama currently or the drive-by that offed
Francis Ferdinand, I am reminded of old-time politics. Not Richard Daley
strong-arm street-whipping kind of politics. Im talking Aaron
Burr unloading a fatal pistol shot into Alexander Hamilton to decide
the fate of New York kind of politics. Old time, real hard, skull-cracking,
back-door fighting, western world type of politics: George Bushs
kind of politics. That is what will decide Iraq. No amount of heavy
hallucinogenics can change this. The Times need to get on board.
This isnt the 1980s when Noriega was Reagans bitch
and Ed Meese was paying cash to have the Contra boys skinned for post
card stills. Its 21st century thinking. We break it and the nearest
Arab power buys it. Fair play.
And if you happen to be unlucky enough to find yourself in the reserves
right now, you better hope it comes in January. This way you dont
have to spend the rest of your natural life in the desert keeping a
third of the populace from surviving the crazed and armed majority that
wishes to nab the oil and make deals with the Iranians so they can blow
Israel off the map.
Big doings in Baghdad, momma, stay tuned! Who cares if the Secretary
of Defense is booed like Andy Dick at a military PR conference? He has
no fucking clue what is about to go down. He wants to exit the big town
with his balls intact. The president is his biggest fan. The Times
is not. This is not exactly shocking developments in perspective, like
those self-righteous commentators hammering away at NBA players doling
out beatings to assholes in Detroit. Lets face it; some sports
fans need a beating, and most elections dont go your way.
Most of us learned this in Journalism 101.
Rumsfeld is sacked and some other jack-booted kill-freak will grow in
his place. It is a biological imperative. It has nothing to do with
politics. It is the way of the jackal. The way we now move. Bitching
about voter malfeasance in Ohio will sound like teenaged girl whimpering
when the polls close in Fallujah. Thats about when the Tehranist
strong arms track down whats left of Husseins palace guard
and disembowel them alive on Al Jazeera television accompanied by classic
Buster Keaton scores.
And thats when youll know weve won.
© James Campion January 2005
all rights reserved