The International Writers Magazine: Guy Block Stories

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Kids on the Block • Marc Cunliffe Suddenly Monday Guy Block groaned in despair at another start to another week. He leant out from his slumber and hit the snooze button, let the horror that was a Monday morning be put to one side, it hadn’t helped his mood that it had been an awful weekend too.

It was not how he would rather have spent it and so this made the start of the week even more unbearable. Guy usually liked his weekends to be spent indoors with a lovely young girl, in this instance he was hoping for the company of Kate Dean, a young reader in the dept. who was blonde, slim and lovely. He had hoped for a relaxing evening with a gin and tonic before retiring to bed and her quim for a tonic.

However this was not on the agenda this past weekend for it was his turn with the twins and they had been allowed to sleep over. With a sigh he curled back up. But it was not to be, for the twins came charging in at that very moment and pounced upon his bed.

Christ! Or rather anti-christ. The two of them stared at him from under their heavy halo of blonde locks, myopically they blinked in unison before saying "Come on Daddy, we cannot be late for school" also in unison. Guy rolled his eyes from up out of his head and raised himself up for the day.

Half hour, a brief snatch of Terry Wogan for sanity, several rounds of burnt toast later and a fair degree of faffing later Guy was shepherding the twins dressed in identikit coats and bobble hats and clutching identikit lunchboxes into the back seat of his Jensen Interceptor. Once settled, he pulled away from the kerb to start the day. "Now, Jeremy, Jemima, I have to pick up a friend on the way in before I drop you off ok?"
"Why?" came the obvious reply in unison.
"Well, because I offered her a lift"
"Why?"
"Because her car is in dock"
"Her?" Jemima quizzically lilted
"Yes, it’s a colleague of Daddy’s" Guy replied
"Are you shagging her?" Jeremy asked
Guy swerved in shock causing several car horns to beep after him. "No, no I am not!" Guy said defensively.
"She’s not one of your special friends then?" Jeremy asked
"Ah, how do you mean ‘special’ friend Jeremy?"
"Like a girlfriend or…" Jeremy began
"Fuck buddy" Jemima concluded with all the innocence in the world
More swerving and more car horns ensued.

Guy turned sharply to remonstrate with his angelic offsprings…well; Lucifer was an angel to begin with. "Kids I hardly think that is a suitable for you to be saying at your age, I mean you’re seven years old"
"Seven and three quarters" they corrected simultaneously causing Guy to catch himself; "Seven and three quarters then, even so its still not the sort of words you should use or know"
"But we do" answered Jeremy
"Because we are gifted" answered Jemima and then they smiled the smug smile of child prodigies. "It's ok Daddy" Jeremy said, "We understand about the male menopause"
"No!" Jemima said turning abruptly to her brother, "That’s pants, pant-o-rama! Mummy says it isn’t the memo-men-o-pause" she slowly corrected herself, "She says its because he’s a randy sod and he always has been. Have you Daddy? Have you always been randy?"

Guy thought it best to give them the silent treatment, whilst inwardly he cursed and prayed for a better day. Finally he reached his destination.
"Anyway, we’re here now" said Guy
"Where?" they asked, craning their necks to view the houses
"Daddy’s friends house" Guy replied
"Who is?" they asked
"A nice lady called Emma, Emma Latimer," he answered unhooking his seatbelt
"Oh" Jemima said ominously
"That lady" Jeremy intoned just as ominously
"He’s not fucking her," Jemima stage whispered to a giggling Jeremy, causing Guy to turn abruptly to them.
They smiled sweetly savouring the confusion and abject fear on their Daddy’s face before replying "Mummy has told us about Emma"
"Has she now? And what, prey has your mother said?"
"That she is your friend" Jemima said
"Your best friend" Jeremy said
"Oh… oh that’s ok, right then" said Guy content, and he left the car to greet Emma who was by now walking down her driveway in a long raincoat wrapped around her long and slim frame and a loose tie around her neck. Although the masculine attire she wore could not hide the fact that she was a beautiful woman. She reached her gate and gave Guy a hug before getting into the passenger side. She turned in her seat and with a smile she introduced herself to the twins who stared at her as if studying a fascinating, near extinct inmate in a zoo.
Emma looked at Guy for some kind of answer. "They’re very precocious" was all he could manage.
"We know who you are" Jeremy said grandly
"Really?" Emma replied returning her gaze and smile to them
"Yes," said Jemima,. "Mummy has mentioned you"
"Has she?" Emma replied beaming
"She said she cannot understand why you and Daddy don’t just fuck and get it over with" Jeremy said.
More swerves, more car horns and a Jesus from Emma.
"Children please!" Guy yelled.
"Mummy says you might be a lesbian, are you a lesbian?" Jemima asked
"Wow" Emma said ruefully brushing at her raven ringlets and looking at Guy "Precocious is the word"
"Your mother should know," Guy grumbled.
"I think I’ll become a lesbian when I grow up," Jemima declared to no one in particular.
"I’ll become a floaty intellectual then," Jeremy countered "That’s another thing Mummy calls you," he smiled sweetly at Emma.
"Highly strung," Guy explained looking embarrassed at his colleague and friend.
"They should be," Emma replied curtly with a false smile, causing Guy to twitch nervously unsure if she was being serious or not.
"Daddy?" Jemima called hurriedly before tugging at Guy’s arm. "Daddy, Mummy cannot know because she cannot be a lesbian because she is having sex with Mike and he’s a rugby player, and a man and Mummy says he’s a real man, more of a man than you she says."
Emma laughed aloud.
"Children can we please stop this discussion!" Guy snapped and hit the CD player hoping that a blast of Pink Floyd would drown out the terrible twins.
"Oh God no!" Emma groaned theatrically and Guy turned to ask what was the matter.
"You! You are such a boring old prog rocker! God knows why the girls fall at your feet." She laughed.
"Mummy says Daddy has so many special friends because he has a powerful electrickery about him," Jeremy explained
"What?" Guy and Emma both asked.
"Yes," said Jemima. "A feral sexual energy was another term she sometimes uses."
"How do you know about any of this?" Guy twitching, asked with caution as Emma giggled into her hands
"Mummy tells us you have a rampant libido," Jeremy answered
"And that that is why she cannot live with you," Jemima continued, "Because you cannot remain faithful"
"And that is why you go off shagging your students all the time," Jeremy said.
"Like the one who looks like Billie Piper," Jemima concluded whilst taking a great interest in the sandwiches in her lunchbox.
"More like Maris Piper!" Emma said laughing before rummaging in Guy’s glove box. "Now I know you have some Clash in here or …ah…" she produced a CD and waved it triumphantly "Blondie" and with a smile placed it into the player and began to rock out to ‘One Way Or Another’.
In the back seat Jeremy and Jemima turned to each other, grimaced and shook their heads as if to lament adults everywhere.
"I don’t remember a Billie Piper do you remember a Billie Piper?" Guy asked Emma.
"That’s old age" Emma replied patting his arm.
"No, that’s selective memory…she must have been a crap shag" Guy snorted.

A couple of minutes later and they had arrived at the school. The twins ambled out of the back seat ready to face the day. Guy bid them goodbye and was about to leave when Emma hurriedly clambered out after the twins.
After a few seconds at the school gates with them, Emma came back into the car. "Come on then, pedal to the metal" she said. Guy looked at her confused. "What was all that about?" He asked.
"That? Oh nothing," said Emma with a cheeky wink and a wry smile.

Jeremy and Jemima began their walk to class. "I don’t think that is correct do you?" said Jeremy.
"No" replied Jemima, "I don’t think Mummy is a sour faced French tart like the lady said"
"And I don’t think it is possible to put a baguette up there either do you?" Jeremy queried of his sibling.
"No, no I don’t think so, not sideways anyway…and I don’t think Mummy would want to really." Jemima pondered.
"It was nice to meet Daddy’s friend though," Jeremy said as they entered the school hall
"Even if she was a bit odd," Jemima concluded.

Guy Block neatly parked the Jensen in his parking space with a renewed hope for the day.
"Right then" Emma remarked with a smile "Lets go and teach some more of the youth of today!"

© Mark Cunliffe October 2007
Markbc@hotmail.co.uk

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