A Likely Story
• Nathan Davies.

A most unusual account of the most extraordinary drawing of the fabled Sword in the Stone by the boy king, Arthur, as found in the personal diaries of the traitor Guy Palsworthy, Earl of Richmond.



“Sire… huff, huff, …sire?”
“Yes my friend, I’m listening. Tell me what is troubling you.”
“Well if it pleases you, huff, y’lordship, I ‘as ‘ad some grief since I been back from the tilt over at the seat.”
“How so?”
“On the account o’ no-un believin’ me. Y’lordship. Y’see, the most amazin’ thin’ ‘appened while I was there, so big an’ ‘portant like tha’ I thought I’d best come ‘ome an’ tell it, but they all laughs at me an’ looks at me ‘s if I got head like a turnip.”
“Who are ‘they’?”
“Well, I… huff… don’t wanna give their names…”
“It will be difficult for me to help you if you don’t tell me who has been causing you trouble, my friend. It would also help me to know what it is that you saw that you thought so important.”
“Huff… yes sire, very well sire.

Ole’ mas’er Cradock was the first t’poke fun, y’lordship. I met ‘im on the road back ‘ere from the tourney early s’morning. We never been too friendly like but I as’d him where ‘e were going ‘cause ‘e ‘ad his ole’ mule with ‘im, an’ it looked to be carryin’ some right ‘eavy goods. ‘If ye must know, ye nosey bugger,’ ‘e said, ‘I’m off to the tourney. All them knights an’ lords an’ whatnot wanting to be king. There’s a pretty penny to be made there.’
‘Is eyes were gleamin’ like ‘e was the first to ‘ave ever thought o’ it, I was right sore tempted for a moment to let ‘im try. But the truth got the better o’ me an’ I tole ‘im that I’d just come from there, ‘an that ‘e was right, ‘cept there was no tourney no more. Some young lad ‘ad come out o’ nowhere an’ walked away with the crown. The dirty ole’ fool called me a liar and a cheat. Said I was tryin’ to keep the trade for meself an’ that ‘e wasn’ goin’ to listen. Said that the tilt was never goin’ to solve nuthin’. That a joust wasn’ goin’ to prove a man a king. When I tried to tell ‘im that the boy din’ win the crown in a joust, ‘e pushed me in’a mud and stomped off with ‘is donkey towards the seat. I should’a known then that I was goin’ to ‘ave a bad day.”

“Someone has been named king?”
“Yea y’lordship! The true king!”
“You are sure of this?”
“Yea y’lordship!”
“Then continue, and mind what I have said.”

“Thankee sire. After Cradock I met no’ne else ‘till I was back in the village where I stopped at the gate to spend a groat an’ to ‘ave a bite o’ sum’it. Well, Ye know what folk are like down there sire, always round at the smiths door after a bit o’ gossip, an’ hasslin’ travlers for news an’ whatnot. When they saw me a-comin’ I din’ ‘ave to declare meself, as they was already askin’. ‘Where ye been?’ What ye do?’ ‘What ye see?’
‘Membrin’ how ole’ Cradock was ‘bout it, I as’d t’see if any ‘ad ‘eard from the tourney ‘fore I told ‘em ‘out. They said ‘no’ ‘an as’d me had I, ‘an when I said ‘yea’ they was all over me like flies on muck.”

“You have yet to tell me who ‘they’ are.”
“Oh, lessee now. Bambrush and his missess. The Goodalls, all o’ ‘em at that. Joseph’s widow and the smith’s boy. Th’apprentice, I mean. Inside the keep where I took me meal there were all the reg’lars, Sheafer’s young lass tendin’ an’ that fool Pollack. It was ‘im who caused most o’ the trouble.

Followed in by me crowd o’ gossips I took a seat close by the door, an’ after calling for meat, began to tell ‘em what I seen an’ done since I were last hereabouts. I tole ‘em how I left for the tourney to sell turnips an’ greens to the inns an’ all where the nobles’d stay, an’ how I hoped to get some service there as well. Then I tole ‘em o’ the events. The trials an’ the tilt in partic’lar. Who was there an’ who was winning. Made me right pop’lar it did. Least ‘till I tole ‘em ‘bout the boy.

Y’see, on’a secon’ day o’ the tilt Sir ‘Ector entered ‘is son. But when I were doin’ the rounds o’ the tents tha’ mornin’, beggin’ what I could an’ sellin’ what I ‘ad, I ‘eard ‘Ector’s lad askin’ for his sword, but there won’ none. So I goes over, but afore I can get in an’ offer to find ‘im one fr’a few pennies like, out shoots this boy wi’ a boot up ‘is ass, sayin’ tha’ e’ll ‘get it no problem ma’ser Kay’. Almost knocked me down scrawny as ‘e was. Most unlikely thing fr’a page, or ‘out else.

So, I tole ‘em all this at the keep an’ they said ‘so?’ So, I et me coney an’ tol ‘em the most amazin’ thing I ever did see.

‘Avin ‘ad some rotten luck at scroungin’ an’ wi’ the joust about to start I made me way back to Sir ‘Ector’s tent as much t’see if the lad’d got a sword as to catch the bully’s change if ‘e didn’. Well, ‘bout just as the tilt were goin’ to start I were knocked down again by th’same boy, goin’ t’other way an’ carryin’ a sword. Cursin’ me luck I were on me feet an’ leavin’ when I ‘eard shoutin’ comin’ from the tent. ‘This in’t me sword!’ said one. ‘I’m sorry,’ said another, an’ as’d if it were alright. Then another came in, from round ‘tother side an’ tole ‘em both that the tilt were beginnin’. I guess that were Sir ‘Ector. Then ‘e must’a seen the sword ‘cause ‘e started puffin’ an’ blowin’ so hard that I could only ‘ear ‘i’m ask where ‘e got it from. I din’ ‘ear the reply but as soon as it were said they were all out th’tent quick as ‘hare on heat’.

I followed for the fun o’ it, an’, well, t’see if I could profit, an’ we all ended up round back o’ the church where they got that sword in’a stone. By time I got there wi’ me gammy leg an’ all, sire, there were a big crowd an’ Sir ‘Ector’s boy were pullin’ on the sword. I din’ re’lise what I was seeing at first, then another ‘ad a go. An’ another. Then I thought ole’ Ector ‘isself was goin’ t’ave a go, but ‘e were makin’ way for th’other boy, the one who kept knockin’ me over.

Well y’lordship, you e’nt goin’ to believe me, cause no’un else ‘as today, but I’ll tell it just the same. That boy took hold the sword an’ e’ pulled. Fr’a moment ‘e seemed brighter than rest o’ us an’ then the bloody sword came free! Don’ ask me how, ‘cause ‘e could hardly lift the thing, but the little runt, not yet a man tested, pulled the sword free o’ the stone an’ anvil, an’ made ‘isself king o’ all England! King Arthur they’s calling ‘im.

When I tole ‘em this at the keep no’un knew what to say. Then Pollack started to laugh. ‘E tole me to pull th’other one, ‘cause ‘e said it ‘ad bells on. Then ‘e said it were right nice to ‘ear a new one, not just the ole’ giant beanstalk. Then they all started laughin’ an’ askin’ me to tell ‘em another. It made me mad to think that they thought me a liar, so I tole ‘em as much. That made Pollack angry. ‘Tell us another you jester,’ ‘e said, ‘If not new then what about the goose that laid golden eggs! Tell us another or I’ll skin you an’ roast you like that coney you just ‘ad.’

I wasn’ goin’ t’stand for that so, I got up to leave, but the brute pushed me back an’ got out a blade. ‘E were goin’ to cut me for not tellin’ a story an’ for tellin’ one which were true! So, I kicked an’ I bit an’ I punched an’ I ran till I got all the way here, y’lordship. I’m afraid they’ll be comin’ af’er me. If it pleases you, sire…”

“Hmm. It seems whether I believe you or not makes little difference, my friend. You are obviously in serious trouble.”
“As you say, y’lordship.”
“Well, I think I can take care of it. Guards? Take this man to the tower. Make sure that he is safely locked away and let no one see him. It is for your own protection, you undertand.”
“Yea, y’lordship, an’ thankee.”
“Take him away.”

© Nathan Davies 2001

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