Man, Woman and child
...then I woke up ... it was all a dream.
What? I wasnt listening.
I said then I woke up, never mind. You seen the shampoo?
Shit, sorry, I used the last of it on the cat.
Huh? I looked at her in the mirror. We havent got a cat.
She returned my look and gave me a Homer Doh.
I know we havent got a cat because you wont let me have a
cat. If we had a cat Id have someone to talk to all day instead
of watching the dumbfuck TV.
I turned off the shower and grabbed a towel, irritated I hadnt been
able to wash my hair. I like to wash my hair every morning. She was still
staring at me as if awaiting an answer. I knew what this was. She wanted
a row. Great timing, Im late for a work meeting and she wants a
row. Listen, if you hadnt walked out on your last job you
wouldnt have to watch TV all day and besides Richard and bloody
Judy arent going to find you a job. You said youd register
with an agency.
I did. I told you. I did the typing test and Juliette says she thinks
shes going to put me up for a job at the undertakers.
The who? I couldnt have heard that right. I pulled on
my black chinos and looked back across at her as she sat on the end of
the bed. Undertakers? Davina, you are a designer, what could you
possibly do at an undertakers? Makeovers for the dead?
She kicked the cupboard door shut and looked at me with that special kind
of piercing annoyance she saved up for rows. That was
a typically stupid sexist remark. I dont use make-up, in case you
havent noticed - ever. And if I want to work at the undertakers
I bloody well will.
Tucking my shirt in I looked at her with dispassionate eyes. Her thin
white body, the inverted nipples on her silicone enhanced pale breasts.
I had begged her not to changed her breasts, it wasnt natural to
be so thin and have a big girls breasts. Who knows why people do things.
I will myself to recall what it was that had drawn me to her two years
before. Shed changed a lot in that time. Some people would say she
has grown up, but I tended to think of her as someone who had soured on
the vine. Everything she did or said was pretty indigestible. I adopted
a conciliatory tone.
What I meant was ....you are a talented designer with great skills.
I dont know why you got laid off, I dont know why anyone with
such a great portfolio hasnt been snapped up, but working at an
No, beneath your expectations. Shit Davina, you are always complaining
everything is so soulless - well at least you could guarantee that there.
Funny. She frowned at me. Another ploy in her arsenal of interpersonal
weapons. She sighed. They need new brochures and a corporate image.
Now theres a thing, an undertaker who needs a better corporate
Everyone needs a better image, death is a hard sell.
I slipped on my shoes and began to tie the laces.
So bigger, brighter coffins, buy now whilst stocks last.
Something like that.
I saw the clock. Shit. Running late.
You should have breakfast.
Make time Richard, I need to talk to you.
Tell me now. I pulled on my black linen fake Armani jacket.
She lay back on the bed and pulled a sheet over her feet. I could see
the gooseflesh on her thighs. The central heating was lower than normal.
Bloody boiler on the blink again. She darted a look at me as I waited
to hear what she had to say.
But... A rush of thoughts raced through my head, but one particular
one. My vasectomony.
Is that all you can say? But?
I was numb. I decided to keep it light. Bad time for confrontations. Need
to think this through. I distinctly remember her telling me that she never
wanted to have kids and how I was the perfect partner since I couldnt
have any now.
Whos the lucky guy?
She smiled, I recognised that smile. It was a cruel and victorious smile.
The smile you make after you have cut someones throat.
Martin. She answered.
A light switched on in her eyes. This was the knife she was using. An
excellent joke,choosing my immediate boss to impregnate her, someone she
knew I loathed and detested.
Martin? The Hunchback of Ladbroke Grove?
Its a stoop. He had asthma as a child, its not a hunch.
Great genes. How long?
Me and Martin?
Yes, you and fucking Martin.
She laughed. Since he made you take on the website and the late
shift. Remember how keen you were to get the website going. How you thought
it would impress Martin, look good on your C.V.? He knew you would obsess.
You didnt even notice hed been lying in our bed - you are
so fucking insensitive, you didnt smell him. You even fell asleep
one night when he was still here. She laughed again. Everyone
in your office knows. You are so pathetic Richard.'
This hurt, but then it was meant to.
But fucking Martin? The child will be hideous.
Youre not playing the game Richard.
What? Demanding you get out, slap you around? Is that the game?
Of course you have to move out. Go and live with Martin. But then Martin
is married isnt he. A wife and two nasty, weasly asthmatic runts.
Must be awkward that.
Martin is leaving her. Im leaving you. Today in fact. At nine-thirty.
Martin is coming here. Thats why he called a meeting for nine. Youd
be there. Hed be here. Were going to Barbados. Scuba diving.
I laughed. Scuba diving? You hate the water. You dont even
sunbathe. You refused to go near a beach.
She pulled a face. Martin will teach me. Hes got a holiday
home there. You dont even own a car.
I need a coffee. I walked over to the kitchen. Thats
the trouble with a loft apartment. Everything is one place, you couldnt
escape the other person if you tried.
Are you angry? She enquired. A stupid question, but oddly
enough, now I thought about it. I wasnt. Disappointed, but not angry.
Martin doesnt drink coffee she informed me. He
says it reduces your potency.
I stood in the kitchen and thought about my life with Davina as it was
coming to an abrupt end. What was worse? That I had spent two years with
this shallow devious woman or my nemesis had been shagging her behind
my back and then boasting about it to my co-workers (who had never breathed
a word to me the bastards). What kind of saphead was I. How could I have
The kettle boiled, I poured the steaming water over the coffee grounds
and waited a moment to depress the cafetieres plunger. Something
was dead wrong. How had I missed all this? Surely there would have been
some warning? How could I have made this big a mess? What happened so
bad that it made the woman who told me she loved me more than anything
else in the whole world turn against me - with bloody Martin of all people.
The fridge door opened behind me. I turned and there was Martin with Davina
standing behind him, still naked apart from a pair of pink bedsocks. Martin
was wearing an undertakers outfit, complete with a blacktop hat with tassels.
This was getting seriously weird.
Hello Richard. You ready?
To go. Did you sign off the website? It looks good by the way. Its
nice to know that you didnt waste your time.
Kill him now, Davina hissed. Im cold, Martin.
Kill him now.
What? Now that hurt. It is one thing to know that she didnt
love me anymore, but to discover she hates me. The look on her face was
one of pure loathing and impatience. Oh God, Ill do it. I
always have to do everything.
She suddenly wrenched the ice-pick out of his hands and lunged forwards
towards me. She plunged the pick into my chest. I felt her sour breath
on my face and saw into her angry eyes as she said ...Next time
youll notice when I cut my hair, you bastard.
I felt a rush of air escape my lungs and an intense pain. There was a
roar of pressure building up in my head as I realised that I was going
to die, killed by the one person I had truly trusted.
Bye Richard, Martin said.
Dont make a mess, Davina added as she moved over the
bedroom to get dressed.
The phone was ringing. Really close and loud. Someone should answer it.
I suddenly opened my eyes.
Davina was sitting naked on the edge of the bed holding my mobile phone
and talking to someone. She was smiling. She saw I was awake.
Its Martin, she said. He wants you in the office
© Sam North 2001
More Fiction in DREAMSCAPES
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