The International Writers Magazine:
Towe's Vancouver Diary
This the Season to be Jolly?
joy! Winter is upon us
Really, I am a lot more hopeful than I sound, and I havent
found it in me to tell my loved ones that Christmas is cancelled
for me this year anyhow. But now that my shopping is done, the
pretty lights are up and the divine feast is already organised,
I have become less aggravated by the whole plasticity appeal of
this seasonal ordeal.
I try to think
of it as more than what it really is, for it means more to someone to
believe in the spirit of it than what it actually is intended for. Sure
its about Jesus being born or re-born again, something special
of the sort, Hallelullijah, and its about a time for gathering
with our loved ones and remembering how lucky we are. Well, isnt
that what it was supposed to be about?
Now, its all about who gets what and how much and if you can pay
off your credit card by next year, yada, yada. Isnt commercialism
grand? I remember as a child presents were a major part of it, but the
Christmas spirit was more about the wonder of it; the decorations, the
carols, chocolates, my family laughing with one another. As we get older
we lean towards the relief of it finally being over, whereas a child
waits 365 days for this day and want it to last forever.
Its not as much a warm, lovely jingly time anymore, in adulthood
the responsibility has turned it into a consumers nightmare. Sadly,
it has rather become an obsessive, chaotic factor that haunts you two
months prior to the actual present exchanging day, in hopes that for
those three precious seconds the gift Receiver opens it from you, the
Giver, loves it for more than just three seconds and how it pleases
you so to have chosen well for them. But what if they dont love
whats been given, what if you dont like what you have received?
The horror! All That effort to be turned down in the end. I admit I
do that occasionally, but I keep repeating that there are certain things
I need, and certain things that I simply do not. But I still appreciate
the thought, it does count. Its quite hard pleasing everyone,
especially equally and within a budget, which is funny how we tend to
go way over every time we walk passed a store. What a dumb material
world. Can we not all be such spoiled brats on this particular occasion.
After all, dont we deserve to be? For Christ sakes! How typical
the narrow minded society we are in modern days. I can freely say the
Lords name in vain, oblivious to the context, but if I were to go to
a hardware store and ask a clerk where their Christmas trees were located,
but Id be politically corrected into calling it a "Holiday
tree". Apparently a few non Christians get offended by the gesture
of Christ in Christmas now
Lately I have had much troubled sleep, due to many stresses, mostly
too personal to share and of course, financial restraints. (This time
of year is partially responsible for that).
I stay awake all night thinking of what things could be, that damned
what if? As if I dont appreciate what I have, which is certainty
plenty enough. We always think of what we miss rather then what bliss
we have. This makes me incredulously selfish, something I loathe in
myself. I think then of all the things that a huge and vast majority
of the world DO NOT have, what I dont do to help any one of them,
and how dare I feel like crying. Why do I even feel shitty, because
of how crap the world is, because I dont do with my life what
I had expected by now, because sometimes my boyfriend just doesnt
understand; because I feel like Im struggling more than I am even
surviving, never mind living? I can answer a million questions I ask,
and it makes me more anxious, and those close to me get confused, much
like I am. I get these frustrating dark moods where I am completely
unmotivated and turn numb and careless. I dont realise how it
bothers others, and its not that I want attention or pity or anything,
I just want to be left alone to be melodramatic I guess.
I laugh at myself "ha, lonesome fool, now look at what youve
accomplished, youre being utterly ridiculous, you pathetic, fucking
coward!" Suddenly my mood swings into gear and over the next couple
days guilt takes hold of me and I move on and miraculously communicate
my feelings or find another job or something. I reckon that this new
year I interpret fear and relief for new beginnings that shall start
soon. I obliged to look back at 2005 and see where it has got me to
today, for tomorrow. I find it necessary to say now that this was not
my year, for it was meant to be better. It was my gateway period, I
had to wait things out and test my strength to prepare for bigger things
yet to come, that I sense that 2006 will bring, what I will bring to
the table this year round; bust out the silver spoons!
You know what we should do for those less fortunate than us, I mean,
they deserve something too. If we dont have an extra penny to
spare, though admittedly we always do, but always deny the beggar, understandably
no doubt, we can at least give something we can without shame. You know,
if you have a roof over your head, a meal everyday and dont suffer
intolerable illness, we already have more than 70% of the rest of the
world we live in, but do not share. So we can give a couple of homeless
people socks or gloves this Christmas, make their cold and miserable
winter easier, or even a friggin candy cane, simple man. We can
send some clothes to the shelters that we neglect to wear anymore, send
a few bucks overseas to support medical alert. My goal for 2006 is not
to just support myself without strain, but to support as many causes
as much as I can. It may not be a lot, but little still makes a difference.
I want to sponsor a child in Ethiopia, adopt an abandoned animal from
the pound. Itll cost me minimal energy in working a few hours
more but be spent that much more significantly. I say that will happen,
I mean it to, but only action will do it. This is my resolution, my
redemption, my mission. I look forward to it. As the famous author Aldous
Huxley has said, "
liberties are not given, they are taken."
Repeat this quote often and the truth will hit you hard.
© Tabytha Towe Jan 2006
moments from Tabytha Towe's diary:
SEVEN and a half- EIGHT-
Africa Diaries) EIGHTEEN
- NINETEEN- TWENTY
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