The International Writers Magazine Hacktreks in Austria

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VIENNA • Mandy Mand before sunrise

The hills are alive... with the smell of sausages...
OK... so I admit... I’m a secret Sound of music fan! Sadly, I watch it religiously every Christmas on telly, I know ALL the words to 'Doe a deer', I fancy the pants off Captain Von-Trap and secretly wanted to be Maria so that I too could snog him under the gazebo.
I boo, hiss and throw Christmas candy at the TV screen every time that Baroness tart saunters her way on set, strutting her stuff in that ever-so-tight little gold number, which looks as though its been pulled out of a Christmas cracker. I wonder how on earth the elder son (Friederich I think...) manages to hit the top notes when it looks as though his voice broke years ago - could have been something to do with those tight curtain shorts I guess… or maybe the pink lemonade even. Finally, I puzzle over Liesel being able to play the guitar after just a few lessons when its taken me two years to get to grips and just about manage to strum ‘He’s got the whole world in his hands’ rather painfully.
I just don’t get it?! How? I ask! Nevertheless - Sound of music - I love it!

As a kid I used to pretend I was Fraulein Maria, line up all my 7 teddies to play the part of the children, and then march around the house blowing a whistle whilst decked out in the living room curtains. That was until mum caught me. After that I had to settle for a tablecloth.

So when the suggestion of a trip to Austria came up as a quick weekend-break away, before Christmas - I couldn’t wait to jump at the chance of dressing up as a nun and leap around the mountains, wailing at the top of my voice, that the hills were alive with the sound of music. And they probably were alive... that is until hearing me sing. Then after that... I think I probably, most definitely killed them!

After leaving Japan, I vowed to myself that I would make more of an effort to explore my homeland England and also get to know Europe a bit more. For the Christmas break Ireland had been the initial choice but after spending endless weeks scouring through every flight + hotel deal on various, cheapy-websites - it worked out less money to go to places like Paris, Rome, Madrid, Prague Amsterdam and Vienna then it was to spend a couple of days in Dublin quite incredibly! Crazy stuff but I blame it on the increase of stag parties - gggrrrrrrrrrr!!!!

With an overwhelming love for ‘brown paper packages tied up with string’ and also a chance to catch some Christmas snow, my wee chum, Ben and I (who sadly does not share the same enthusiasm for Captain Von Trap as I do) decided to go ‘climb every mountain, ford every stream, follow every rainbow until we found our dream’, doe-a-deer styley, in Austria. Mainly in Vienna but with a day trip to Saltzburg thrown in, in order to simply shut me up - hurrah!!

I had been reading quite a bit about Vienna and was interested in checking out their Christmas markets, which really makes the city a truly magical place. I was also both told, and read, that Viennese chocolate cake is to die for! Bring it on!! Talk about chocoholics true answer to choco-paradise!

There is one small thing to bear in mind however. If you’re not the biggest fan of red meat like myself, nor do you like egg, then Chocolate is probably the only thing you will be eating in Vienna (that and cheese sandwiches) because this place is meat tastic! It’s every vegetarians living nightmare with sausages sizzling everywhere you turn - sausage tastic!

I should have guessed right from the beginning really, when ham sandwiches were handed out as the in-flight snack on the plane journey over.
Panicking slightly I managed to get the stewardess’s attention (who funnily enough looked like the baroness) and I explained I was vegetarian.

For the record: I do actually eat chicken and fish so wouldn’t actually call myself a bona fide veggie - but bugger trying to explain that to the stewardess who pursed her lips together and looked at me with contempt, before hurling a cheese roll at me and storming off with her trolley.

Crazy thing is that three quarters of the way through the said roll I realized that there wasn’t actually any cheese in there - not a sausage (pardon the pun!!) I had in fact been eating hot bread - nice!
Once the plane had landed at Vienna airport we decided to grab some lunch before heading to the hotel (Ben a ham sandwich, me – funnily enough - a cheese roll!)

We had, at first, thought of trying to catch a bus or train from the airport to the city centre. But, due to a very early flight which had resulted in complete lack of sleep from the night before - i.e. 6 painful hours sitting on cold metal chairs at Heathrow airport, London, watching a cleaner who spent three solid hours polishing one lift door, hanging out with all the drunks and homeless and a guy collecting money to get him a ticket home to Ireland, but ended up getting beaten up by a bunch of Norwegian lads instead - you could say that by the time we got to Vienna - we were absolutely knackered.

Sod the bus - get me a cab!! Except, don’t forget that driving is different to England out in Vienna as Ben quickly discovered when, he tried to clamber into the driver’s side of the cab door thinking it was the passengers. The cab driver (who looked a bit like Arnie) gave him a strange but pitying kind of look as I guess it happens to him quite a bit from us dozey Brits. Hurrah for sleep deprivation tasticness and being British.

Our hotel was right in the middle of the city centre, which was pretty cool especially as we were only 10 minutes walk from the Opera house. It was a bit of a bizarre hotel however as they shared it with loads of different offices, so... get off on the wrong floor and you might end up in a doctor’s surgery - hmmmmmm!! But the breakfasts were good - (sausages, scrambled egg or cheese rolls) and the bloke on reception sounded a wee bit Liverpuddlian so we think he came from England - hurrah for not having to speak German! This was definitely a bonus for me as no matter how hard I tried to remember my danke shun’s and bitte’s - I almost always ended up speaking Japanese every time and must have looked a right weirdo especially when I don’t look anything like Japanese. There were plenty of Japanese tourists in Vienna whilst we were there, all taking pictures on their digital cameras, and quite rightfully so because this place is a Kodak paradise! The streets of Vienna were filled with pretty twinkling fairy lights, horse and carriages sped around the cobbled streets, Christmas carols were pumped out where ever you went and everywhere you looked or leaped it was Christmas-tasticness in all its sparkleness.

But the most magical thing were the Christmas markets that were sprinkled around a huge church, covered in advertising banners for cars and cigarettes, which, we later found out, was the city hall!

The buildings are amazing over here! Really beautiful! We came across one magnificent building on our first night that simply had to be a palace or an opera house because it was so sumptuous and grand looking. In actual fact it simply turned out to be just an ordinary library! Crikey! If only they had libraries like that in Blighty - I’d never want to leave.

In and amongst the grounds of the city hall were all kinds of trees decorated with beautiful illuminated lanterns. One tree had candy-shaped lanterns, another presents, another snowmen, another stockings and one with hearts.
They all looked so pretty, all clustered together and down on the ground there were children’s fairground rides, a cartoon style house where you could post letters to Santa and various wooden huts with glass display cabinets containing all kinds of cute toys.

There was also quite a selection of wooden hut stalls selling every kind of Christmas tat you could imagine from tree decorations to candles, wooden toys, ceramic pots, sausages (of course!!)... Oh and Viennese chocolate - at last.

But the most exciting thing we discovered was Punsch! Everywhere we went we saw people cradling mugs with steaming hot drink that smelt divine. It turned out that the drink in question was called punsch (pronounced poooonch!) - a little bit like mulled wine except you can add different flavours to it like beer, white wine, spiced apple, red wine, kirsch and blueberry.
It was delicious! But more to the point - it was a fantastic way to warm you up because, if I haven’t mentioned this already then I will now - Austria, in winter, is bloody freezing.

Being a typical Leo I simply ‘don’t do snow’ and would rather sprawl out in the baking hot sun on a white sandy beach somewhere hot. So when it got to that point whereby I ended up having to wear my entire suitcase, all at once, in order to keep warm, then I kind of knew, by then, that sunbathing wouldn’t be on the agenda!
One day in and I ended up getting really sore chapped lips, which wasn’t so bad except I couldn’t laugh or smile because every time I laughed - my lips cracked - ouch. Talk about literally cracking up.
These mugs of punsch were just the job to warm you up however, and as we later discovered - were sold just about everywhere throughout the city in outdoor punsch bars! They also came in various alcoholic strengths I might add when, after a pretty heavy sightseeing spectacular, we ended up doing a mini afternoon punsch crawl without even intending it.

It must have been the punsch because for some strange reason, whilst sobering up, I kind of found myself bundled into one of those horse and carriage rides and was busily being trotted around the city - yayyyyy!!!
Although hideously expensive it was actually a pretty good way to learn about the famous city - like the big church being a city hall and the giant palace being a library for example.

We also saw Mozart’s house, another load of Christmas markets, several opera houses and art galleries, the city university - oh and one of the oldest Viennese coffee shops in the world ever which we actually went to on the Sunday - Chocolate truffle tasticness.
Cafe central, as its called, is beaauuuutiful. With magnificent arches on the inside, ornate gold edgings, and high ceilings - its a fantastic place to sit with a cup of coffee or two, and watch the world go by! Plus they sell the best cake ever. All beautifully displayed in a big glass cabinet - you go up and choose the cake you want, give the waiter the number of your choice and he’ll bring it over. Worst thing is there are so many mouth watering truffles, tortes, tarts and trifles that you might be quite a while choosing.
A cellist and violinist stood in the centre of the cafe next to a grand piano playing beautiful music and making funny faces whenever someone tried to take their photo which was quite amusing. There was also a queue of tourists, leading right out of the main doors, ready to snatch any chair or table that came available.
Oh and the coffee, as well as your usual cappuccinos, expressoes and lattes it came in the alcoholic variety too! Hurrah! Three punsch coffees later and we were happily waltzing along to the Blue Danube around the cafe whilst people queued to grab our seats... I wonder if many people do that? - Get up and dance that is?

Other crazy memories of Vienna was going to see a Klimt exhibition in one of the famous Belvedere mansions but getting lost and consequently caught by a Greek bloke who dragged us into his cafe and tried to flog us a Gustave Klimt headscarf for 80 euros - nice. But not really me I’m afraid.
We managed to narrowly escape that one by promising we would be back for dinner - would we my arse. Gustave Klimt’s ‘The Kiss’ painting was magnificent however and so was the room in which it was exhibited. Viennese State rooms are gorgeous! So rich and detailed and chandelier tasticness!

Another exhibition we went to see was one by Paul Klee and friends. Friends being one mad bloke obsessed with drawing pictures of his private parts - hmmmm - sausage anyone??!!
Talking of sausages, a lady, in a food queue in front of me one night ordered a large plate containing 4 spicy sausages, 3 gherkins, 3 big pickles and some white, gunky looking stuff heaped on her plate - urggh!! They’re not shy over here and this is definitely somewhere in which I wouldn’t like to get the munchies!

We took a ride on a big wheel, bit like the London Eye except the cabins were red, which overlooked the whole of the city and pretty spectacular too - except we couldn’t really see anything because the glass needed cleaning badly oh and it was really misty - boo. (It's the famous wheel used in 'The Third Man' movie. )
Finally - the best bit by far was that special trip down to Saltzburg - Sound of music styley - hurray for climbing every mountain.

The train journey from Vienna to Saltzburg was a staggering three and a half hours long but European trains are fantastic. Meticulously on time, very clean, with your own private compartment and spectacular views across the mountains and of course that famous Blue Danube River. We even saw some snow!
One of our intentions when arriving in Saltzburg was to go on one of these 'Sound of Music' coach tours which take you all around the movie locations, blasting out the soundtrack as you go and sending you home with a tin of edelweiss seeds.

Unfortunately, the train we caught down to Saltzburg was later than initially planned, due to accidental oversleeping, and so sadly we narrowly missed the last departure time for the Sound of Music tour - gutted! Though interesting to note - a big big sigh of relief seemed to appear over Ben’s face - hmmmmmmm accidental oversleeping or was this is a cunning plan I wonder?

Still managed to have a crazy time in Saltzburg however. We saw the castle where the movie was filmed, bought a Sound of Music calendar AND musical box, and we also visited Mozart’s birthplace and the teeny tiny violin he used when he was only a diddy three years old!

Ben, who was getting just a wee sick of sausages at this point, opted for a mashed up pork sausage (so it looked like a burger) type-roll from one of the outdoor food stalls - and me - who was suffering big time from an overdose in cheese sandwiches - went for some kind of pastry thing which actually turned out to be gypsy toast filled with marmalade. Hurray for marmalade sandwiches! Well I guess it made a change from cheese!

We spent the day wandering around the various Christmas markets, drinking coffee, buying stockings full of souvenirs that you know for a fact you’ll never know what to do with once you get them home, oh and watching the horse and carriage rides.

Do you know they actually employ people to ride around on a bicycle with a huge box attached to it and their job is to scoop up all the horse mess on the roads – it’s shit job - quite literally!
We also spent 3 hours looking for a pub but to no avail - thank the Lord for punsch stalls!

At around 6.00pm ish we all gathered in a big square around a statue of Mozart (another of his homes) oh and there was a big Ice skating rink too!
A 17th century musical clock called the ‘Glockenspiel’ then proceeded to chime followed by an hour of Christmas carols played by two blokes on trumpets. If the magic of Christmas hadn’t hit you yet then this certainly would have done it for you. Hearing all those Christmas carols made me feel all warm and tingly inside - but maybe that was the punsch!
Whatever it was we knew we had to catch that train if we were to get back to Vienna before midnight and last orders... oh and praise be for Burger King at Saltzburg station! Went immediately for a veggie burger and turned a violent shade of green when they asked if I wanted cheese on it!! Arrrrrrrggggghhhhhhhhhh!!!!

Vienna is simply amazing!! It’s a beautiful city in which the locals are very proud - and so they should be. It’s amazingly clean and the buildings are fantastic!! It’s pretty quiet crime wise too, except for a group of 10 year-old kids perhaps, who were protesting over the innocence of Michael Jackson in the main shopping street and with which could have turned quite ugly! Oh and a dodgy bloke who was loitering around the underground station selling alcohol, drugs and sex even - nice! Apart from that – everyone seemed really helpful.

Their transport system is out of this world – with really clean underground stations and they even have trams too! But we didn’t go on them cos they looked a bit scary – eek!

Finally, according to the guide book, there are plenty of vegetarian places to eat - but I guess what with the short time we had, it was impossible to do and see everything - which is why I kind of went for the cheese sarnie route and which is why, I also reckon, the best thing to do is see little bits here and there and just take it easy.

Vienna is definitely a place to go back to again and again and again and I reckon the best time to go would probably be summer because of the beautiful parks and scenery and also because it might just be an ickle bit warmer - though I guess you wouldn’t have the joys of punsch - hurrah!

What gave the trip a perfect ending too was the plane journey back to Heathrow because the sky was this amazing blue colour, and with hardly any clouds, you could see quite clearly, a spectacular view of the snow-capped mountains below. It was out of this world and I felt as if I was flying in the air like a bird in paradise…
…that is, until, the baronness-lookalikey-stewardess threw me another cheese filled roll. Gggrrrrrrrrrr…
Think I need to go to cheese detox...
Loads of love and cuddles
Mandy mand xx
Useful web site - www.punsch.at

Previously from Mandy Mand
Autumn in Japan
Mandy Mand
...cute little Japanese girls running around wearing bat wings
About Japanese Men
Mandy Mand
Sayonara Japan
Mandy Mand

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