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Confessions The Priest
• Aaron Bone
God. Please do not punish the ones who try. Please do not condemn the lost and searching souls. We are how you made us. We are within you. Your will shall reign on earth.
It was night. You know how confusing the deep darkness that you have lain upon us can be. You know how far we wander from your light. Have mercy on us. Thank you, God, for letting me be the one. Thank you, God, for I am your willing instrument on this earth.
Three they are. More unlike each other than more can not be. The dull, idiotic brother, Joseph, weak in spirit from birth, he is your chosen one, I know, he makes it hard for us at times, but we endure and show the mercy that you have lain within us to spread on all your awkward creatures. The fierce brother, Joshua, who has not set foot on your holy ground, who defies your wisdom and caressing kiss. The holy one, Magdalene, the sister, the white angel you have blessed with the smoothness of all your angels to magnify yourself in our desolate and unworthy world. The purest of waters that has come from your wells is barely worthy of washing her feet. The highest of airs from your magnificent mountains will bow in admiration when entering her delicate chest.
I was unworthy, Lord to be your servant. I was unworthy to hear your voice talk forth to me. But thank you. Thank you, Lord, you may not know how rich my life has become. You may not know how much pleasure and life it was, when you appointed me to be your humble herald. A child will come to her. A child that will save the world. Your child, Lord, reborn to complete the work that was crossed out of our lives.
I followed her, like you whispered to me. I tried not to scare her. She was so weak. So small. She was not prepared for the epiphany that you had disposed for her. She was not at all like the angel you had painted in my dreams at night while I was sleeping in innocence. She was scared, she screamed in the hollow of the forest. She tried to resist your heavenly wish. Only when she was quiet, only when she violently fell asleep, when I was over her, did she resemble the angle that you had showed me. I left her lying there. So peacefully.
I told her to keep quiet. Her talk would only destroy the holiness that she has received. When She didn’t come back, I sent Joseph out to look for her. I told him that she was sick and would maybe talk strangely. Joseph is simple. Wonderful. The words he has in his mouth shall not be believed by anyone. Maybe he will find his sister. Lying there in her white dress coiling with her long brown hair. Tonight I have seen an angel. Thank you, Lord.
In the Forest (Somewhere)
You know my name, God. I’m Joshua. If you can hear me at all. If you have ears to listen. If you have eyes to see. But then, why did you let it happen? Still I will talk to you this one time. Because it is one of your servants that I will take away from you. He is your servant, he was your servant when he followed my sister and raped her here in the wood.
Joseph, the silent one, he has told me. Did you think that no one would find out? Were you ashamed? Do you know where my sister ran to, after Joseph had carried her home, her body tortured and bruised? Nothing did we know then. Joseph was silent and his thick tongue glued to his palate. His big puffed face blanched. His slanted eyes hardly open. He was afraid to see. Because he knew. Because his weak heart couldn't bear what he presumed. We thought it had been animals, or an accident. That she had lost her way. We hoped that a good nights rest would clear her up. Mother saw her twice during the night. Feverishly she was sleeping. And in the morning, she was gone. Some of her clothes packed. Her bag gone. Nothing she left behind told us anything.
Joseph, the silent one, he talked. He is much better now then he used to be. His words are making sense. Like he has learned. He still works for the priest. He still cherishes him. Joseph is such a good soul. He does not think bad of anyone. He does not understand what harm is. Don’t let my hate get into him. His plain smile is worth much more than my horrid detestation.
It is getting darker in the forest. I have the big stone in my hand. I am waiting. I will not speak. I will not explain, when he comes. It is not something that he has done to me. He will know when his end is coming. He will think of her and maybe hope that he hadn’t done what he has. I will let him walk past me. I will let the noise of his steps creep by and then get his head. I won’t have to see him. I know that this is the way that he will come. I will just wait here. Wait until he comes.
The Priest
Lord, have mercy on your poor souls, because they are trying. Blessed are the lost because they are searching. Do not condemn them for their deeds, because they do not know what they are doing.
Joshua has talked to me. His eyes have talked to me when I met him on the street this evening. I noticed that his walk had changed. His back was straight. His head thrown high. Something has changed within him. His words were particularly many.
First I thought that maybe he had news of his sister. Magdalene, the disappeared angel. It must be longer than half a year. On the morning after I was with her. After you, God, and I joined her in unbound matrimony. Her mother was very upset. She has not heard anything of her daughter since. She has run from your glory, God, when she saw it. Maybe she wasn’t the elected one you thought she was.
But he told me about something that I had to come and see in the forest. He was solemn, like he had been visited by spirits at the least. Something that has made him wonder about things. A phenomenon he couldn’t explain with his layman eyes. He knows my hobbies. Knows where my interests are. He was always the first with some remarks about me when he thought I wasn’t able to listen. I have agreed to come.
I sent Joseph. Good Joseph smiling and bowing his head. He didn’t ask why his master was sending him out into the forest. Just you keep your eyes open, my dear Joseph, I said, and don’t talk. Yes, most important of all, don’t talk, you’ll scare everything away. Joseph and his slanted eyes, the bulb of a nose wiggling. His small chin nodding in aspiration. He likes mysteries. Surprises. I kept talking it into his mind that he must not say a word in the forest. Told him the route that Joshua has told me.
I know I would be scared, Lord, if I wouldn’t have You to guide me. The world is so full of hate and ill-wishes. Oh Lord, why do your children slaughter themselves? Why do they hate each other so deeply? Where is goodness to be found? Please do not punish the ones who try. Please do not condemn the lost and searching souls. We are as you made us.
In the Forest
Dear God. I am taking my time here alone from all the noise of the people to think. My child has died in my womb. Right now it is somewhere far and cold. Maybe you heard that I did not want it. Thank you that I am still healthy and that the abortion did not do me any harm. I don’t want to deny anyone the right to live. This one child just wouldn’t have been right. I did not feel love, and without love I do not want to bear a child. Please let me sleep without thinking of the horrible things people have done to me because they are weak. Because they are strong. Because they have lost their respect for anything. Please let me feel clean again. I know you do not condemn. I know you do not punish. You cry. Cry with me, God, because tonight we are sad. We will laugh again tomorrow. But not tonight.
Your will reigns in our will on earth.© Aaron Bone, April 2001
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