The International Writers Magazine: More Adventures with Guy Block the students friend

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Building Block • Mark Cunliffe Eddie Cochran once sang of love as being a journey built on ‘Three Steps To Heaven’; "Step one - you find a girl to love Step two - she falls in love with you Step three - you kiss and hold her tightly Yeah! That sure seems like heaven to me"

This was something Guy Block, lecturer at Hopemouth University could agree with. However his own personal building blocks (fnar fnar) never quite reached heaven, or love for that matter, preferring to reach an adultery that sated one’s desires briefly instead, but that could easily at times give the impression of love to the casual observer and even to the participants involved if they needed such an ego boost.

And so it was that we find our hero about to assemble his building blocks of love, or something like it.
It was your typical academic party. The host was Guy’s colleague, consort, confederate and collaborator; the unattainable beauty of Hopemouth, Prof Emma Latimer, who was celebrating her new book. Emma was a highly intelligent, witty slinky, dark haired beauty with more than a passing resemblance to rock goddess PJ Harvey. She was the English fac’s finest asset and held students enthralled with the subject. The girls were in awe of her knowledge, the boys were also awed, albeit in a trouser straining way that Guy knew only too well.
Emma Latimer was Guy’s best friend, and that was the rub. She was the one girl Guy could not persuade into bed.

There was something one Christmas, but it fizzled out with the decision from Emma that if she were to partake of Guy’s famed libido she would be seen merely as another conquest and no longer have the ability to sit and laugh with him in the libraries and snug bars as he recounted tales of so many others he had taken.

She was presently dancing alone, or rather neurotically twitching alone in the middle of the room with a glass of wine in one hand and adorned in a wonderful slim black dress. Now for anyone else to do this it would be alarming to watch, but for one as cute and clever as Emma Latimer it was simply alluring in a quirky beguiling way. Guy smiled and with a familiar neurotic twitch of his own, he walked over to her. She opened her eyes as she sensed him coming towards her and smiled broadly.
"Congrats on the book, bitch" he offered.
"Thanks dickless" she jokily snapped. "The dons will hate it of course but the students should find it accessible enough"
Guy nodded before saying; "Yah, enough of that now, fancy a shag?"
"No" she said without even a tenth of a second passing between him saying shag and her replying. She smirked at him. "Anyway, you only want to change the subject because you haven’t been published in years, years!" she giggled and nudged him with her shoulder.
"I’ve another ten years at least before my next deadline," Guy quipped.
They laughed. "Right Block, who’s caught your eye tonight. Apart from me obviously"
"Oh obviously" Guy said and scanned the room. After a moment he asked, "Who’s that over there with Biles?"
"That is Biles’ wife, Aurora"

Guy was flabbergasted. Biles was a new addition to Hopemouth this term. A rather dour and hapless Scottish Economics Prof, short of both stature and fun, he was clearly one of life’s losers but likeable enough nonetheless. After all, people still enjoyed holidaying in Butlins and it was not inconceivable to view Biles as a wet weekend in such a facility. Presently he was eyeing up his glass of water as if contemplating it as a new home for his goldfish. Alongside him was a tall women, around Emma’s age, late thirties, who had looked after herself equally as well as Emma but was clearly more Patti Smith in the looks department than PJ Harvey. Nevertheless taking Emma from the three steps equation, as regrettably Guy had to do, it was clear that Mrs Biles was the most attractive option of the evening. Would she consider giving up her holiday in Butlins for a splash on the med with Guy?

Guy turned to Emma, who after brief eye contact walked off to the drink trolley singing "Step one - you find a girl to love"
She knew him so well.
A quick gulp of his wine and Guy honed in on his prey. In the first instance a talk with Biles, see how the little loser was and enquire after his work, which would hopefully lead to an introduction to the gamine beauty that was somewhat inconceivably, Mrs Biles.
"Och no’ bad thank you Prof Block" he replied, " I’m currently doing a cost effective programme for the VC…"
Fat bitch, Guy thought
"…That entails me looking at the productivity and effectiveness of all the faculties and the University as a whole. Its really rather interesting and…"
"…Time and motions eh?" Guy cut in with a twitch towards the female of the species
"Well not exactly…" Biles began but was interrupted by Guy asking "So Biles old buddy, is this the good lady wife?" he flashed Mrs Biles with what he hoped was a winning smile.
"Aurora Templeton, pleased to meet you, Prof Block," said the beauty and then sensing confusion in Guy added, "I didn’t take my husband’s name of Biles." Guy noted an almost imperceptible shudder from her at the word Biles. And why not, he thought, it is, like him, fuck ugly and dull.
"That’s right," said Biles heavily.
"May I say, Prof Block, I loved your novel, so raunchy and true in its depiction of the emotions that men and women have"

Fan-bloody-tastic! Guy thought, an admirer. He murmured a thank you in reply to the praise and quickly asked how she was finding campus life, sidestepping any further enquiry into his lack of recent publishing.
It transpired that Aurora had seen little of Hopemouth since arriving and was getting cabin fever at staying at home most days whilst Biles taught or undertook the time and motion thingy. Guy, ever chivalrous, saw an ideal opportunity to offer his services as a friend and guide to Hopemouth. After all how could a girl refuse a spin in a 1970s Jensen V8?

It was settled upon there and then. He would pick her up at 11am tomorrow. Another building block had fallen into place.

Aurora Templeton however, was rampant. It was clear to Guy that she didn’t care for the Cochran view, having effectively leapfrogged steps 1 and 2 to fully embrace; so to speak, step 3 and the unspoken steps come, again so to speak, at 1:30pm that afternoon. Guy pulled out of her and fell on the wet grass of Hopemouth Nature Reserve with a sigh.
"That was fabulous," Aurora breathily enthused with a red glow on her chest. Guy had to agree, it was remarkable. He lay there spent and content, his eyes slowly closing in the sun. My God, he felt good. It was a fine day. A day of such happiness that could only rival the long hot summer days as a child in Godalming, or even the day back in the 80's when he sold his Triumph Roadster to Nick Mason of Pink Floyd…
Steady on now!
That was a ruddy good day. How often do you meet a hero and fellow motoring enthusiast and make a bundle.
Let’s not get ahead of ourselves over some girl, Block.
"Guy!"
Oops thought Block, must have dozed off there, blast! It appeared Aurora wanted round two.
Steadying himself into position, Guy found it to be a one-way affair. The flood had now given way to the equivalent of a knee grazing on tarmac and Aurora winced at his attempts.
"Sorry" he offered uselessly.
"I was ok ten minutes ago!" she grumbled, "then you nodded off."

Women, thought Guy, always the same. At least blokes have the good sense to have the right, ever-reliable equipment to be lust crazed, unlike them, but do they find fault in their own? No.

Finally, Thunderbirds were go and anything did happen in the next half hour, culminating in a shriek of dizzying pleasure from his mistress that mixed pleasingly with the flock of birds who squawked noisily in complaint at the disturbance as they flow overheard.

After catching their breath they departed the scene, the only indication of a tryst having occurred being the flattened grass they’re sweating, heaving bodies had made. Moving somewhat woozily along they finally made it to the waiting Jensen and home to campus with a firm agreement to meet again.

Of course, the trouble with affairs is they become like a marriage, you find yourself accountable to one woman constantly and soon Guy grew bored and restless as the term winged its way along and their secretive meetings thrust, as it were, on. He still enjoyed the sex, only a eunuch could not, but he was becoming increasingly irritated at having to defend himself from her prying questions such as "Who was that young girl you were talking too?"

Young girl indeed, I’m a lecturer, Guy argued, my job involves talking to young girls, it’s called a tutorial you silly bitch. The fact that the girl in question was a Lily Allen look-alike, who enticed Guy with the ability to swallow the entire neck of a bottle of Stella in the Student Bar, was immaterial.
I mean to say; I’m not married to her am I? Thought Guy.
No Biles is. I’m just fucking her. And ‘Lily’ too. Tonight in fact.
And having to explain who Nick Mason was to a woman in her late thirties really took the biscuit!
Thankfully the end of term was nigh, as was the end of the affair something Eddie Cochran failed to include in his song. After their usual tryst, Aurora had returned to Hopemouth to find an ambulance outside the Biles abode.
Emma gave Guy the low-down a little later at the campus bar.
"Our friend Biles’ cost effective programme produced some startling results. Principally that the Economics Fac was the least effective department on campus and his own lectures factored in this highly."
"And?" Guy asked awed
"And he went home, drafted up his findings, emailed the VC, fat bitch." Emma spoke for him before continuing, "with the indicators of what waste needed to be cut out, and then proceeded to cut himself out. He slashed his wrists Guy!"
"Bloody hell," said Guy almost choking on his gin and tonic
"But it's not as bad as it sounds, he erm, couldn’t find the right blade on the penknife, had to make do with a rather sharper than usual horses hoof thingy!" Emma concluded in a fit of giggles, which Guy snorted along too, before adding "Ah the poor sod I wonder if he appreciates the irony?"
The back of Guy’s neck began to prickle and turning slowly he saw Aurora, a trifle red eyed behind him. He went over to speak to her, offering his condolences re the frankly useless Biles.
"He’ll be ok," she said. "And so will our marriage, I’m sorry Guy but I’m afraid our little fun has to end, I can't go on lying to him, not after this. We’ll be leaving Hopemouth at the end of term," she concluded and waited for a suitable heartfelt response from her secret lover.
"Ah um, shit?" he offered weakly.
"Bye Block," she said and hugged him before leaving for good.

Guy stood and watched her leave. A mixture of thoughts crossed his mind as he saw the darkness gradually envelope her frame. One was of building blocks marked with love hearts come crashing to the floor; the other was of a separate passageway from heaven leading down to hell; One was even of Biles, sat up in his hospital bed, no doubt with the wrong cushion supporting him. Finally he saw ‘Lily’ with a bottle of Stella and a knowing youthful smirk and wink. Overall he felt relief. "Thank fuck for that" he said under his breath before returning to Emma.
"Fancy a…"
"No" she interrupted with a wry smile.

© Mark Cunliffe June 2007
markbc@hotmail.com

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