International Writers Magazine: Reality Check and Readers
Letters May 2nd
CRISIS IS A FRAUD
No Sense Wasting Valuable Paranoia On Macho Bullshit
very soon Americans will finally be sick and tired of hearing
about the Middle East and its nations' collective religious, political
and cultural madness. Maybe not tomorrow or next week, or perhaps
not even by 2007, but the time is coming.
Sooner than you
think. It became tiresome eventually for the French and the British,
and soon we will tire of it. There's only so much theocratic nonsense
one can stomach before giving up and leaving them to their bad craziness.
Oil keeps us interested, and 9/11 opened many eyes, but really, what
are we dealing with: A few hate-mongering sand cretins and Qur'an fanatics?
Nothing Israel can't handle with a little leeway from the UN and a back-turning
exercise from the United States. All gone. Soon.
Let's get this out in the open right away: Iran is no
threat to anyone. Let them develop nuclear weapons or energy, or whatever
it is going on over there. The Russians are all for it. Of course they
are, it's their only hope to secure the region from either complete
chaos or U.S. colonialism. Right or wrong, that's how they see it. We
screwed them out of millions when Hussein went belly up. We've got troops
all over the desert. It's only fair they get a dog in the fight. So
throw them a bone.
Granted, Iran is a loony bin. It's run by atavistic royal
Pooh-Bahs horny for international attention and scared shitless the
Big Bad is going democratic next door in Iraq. We know now this is why
Saddam lied to everyone about weapons, whether he had a few or not,
because he was pretty sure (and right on the money, actually) that it
was just a matter of time before the Iranians would waltz across his
border and rape his land. He had it coming. Back before the whole Kuwaiti
thing, Hussein tried invading Iran. He claimed it would take 48 hours.
Eight years later he limped back and chose another enemy, one less dangerous,
the U.S. That is until the spring of 2003 when it all went sour and
he's now reduced to ranting like a cartoon character before doomed judges.
Soon he will hang and that will be that. Thankfully.
But as far as Iran taking over as "The New Threat",
many familiar with the region and the country's capabilities for war
know it pales in comparison to what Israel holds and is more than willing
to use at the drop of a hat. And pretty soon, if someone is wacky enough
in this crumbling administration to will it, there could be word that
they'll have to fend for themselves. And once the IDF gets the green
light, they will point the finger at Iran. Go ahead and tally up the
potential devastation. I dare you. Know this: The Iranians will not
come out on top. Not even the most fervent Allah freaks can allow that,
and certainly not Vladimir Putin and the Russians. No one wins a war
with Israel. They trail only us and the Chinese for missile tonnage.
Why do you think Captain Shoo-In is huddling with Chinese
President Hu Jintao? We need a crazy buddy. The Chinese are crazy. Really
crazy. Crazy rich too. We're into the Chinese for so much cash I'm pretty
sure they own the Pentagon and Fort Knox by now. Which is good for me.
Let them deal with the horrendous fallout of the past three years. We've
got American Idol finals to cope with.
But enough about our Boy President, he's looking more
and more like a flat broke black jack loser stumbling into the hock
shop looking to pawn daddy's watch for one more hand. His wild ride
on this bloated national debt has made him China's cabin boy. He's a
goddamn deadbeat with Nixon-like approval ratings. If the Democrats
manage to steal Congress back in November, he'll be impeached and spend
his remaining White House time lawyering up the place. It's the Israelis
who will take over soon. And the Israelis are 2-0 in these things.
About a dozen Arab nations, some all at once, tried to
take on the Israeli Defense Force twice, and both times it was not much
of a fight. Sure they want to wipe out the Jews, but you know what?
They can't. Not today, not tomorrow, not ever. And if they insist on
it, everything will be gone. Then we'll have to get those Hybrid cars
up and running. But history tells us the rich and powerful sitting on
billions in their lavish palaces rarely put it on the line for a losing
cause. This has only happened once, right here, 240 years ago, when
the rich land barons took on Mother England to avoid taxes. But an ocean
separated the combatants, not a border or two. You wonder how far George
Washington's rag-tag militia would have lasted if England was, say,
This brings us to this asinine speculation that the U.S.
can and will threaten to use force against Iran. This is not going to
happen, even if the military wasn't already embroiled in several Middle
Eastern fights. It is nearly impossible invading Iran. For one, it's
four times the size of Iraq with three-times the populace, and we're
having enough trouble there. Secondly, we're not ruthless enough to
deal with these maniacs. We'd be building hospitals and starting governments
in no time. Meanwhile, the remaining sickos will be ramming jeep explosives
into tents. It's a nightmare that only works once at the expense of
America's sons and daughters. I'm pretty sure Cindy Sheehan would get
her own network late night show if that happens.
Look, I'm all for fearing maniacs. Try North Korea. This
is one steaming pile of trouble harboring no compunction to reduce us
to cinder, and they have the backing of the aforementioned Chinese,
who are biding their time until we are completely dead broke from war
games and have to sell them the mid-west at rock bottom prices.
© James Campion April 24th 2006
James Campion the author of "Deep Tank Jersey", "Fear
No Art" and "Trailing Jesus"
Readers Reactions: May 2nd 2006
You are out of your mind if you do not think that some plebian high
school teacher holding a hearing on the war crimes of a sitting president
is not the most unconscionable waste of taxpayer funds AND the warping
of young minds to liberal agendas known to the culture. (PRESIDENT ON
TRIAL AT LOCAL HIGH SCHOOL 3/22/06) This is the very sign of
the apocalypse. This idiot should not only be chucked from the school,
but also put up for treason. I am stunned you think this so damned funny.
I am infuriated at this. This guy and you are whats wrong with
this country. Why dont you do something useful instead of trying
to be so damned cute about anything important.
Screw taking on bully Republicans or impotent Democrats; if you want
to prove your mettle, take on a real goliath: religion!
Over the years, "South Park" has skewered many a sacred cow
and was more or less ignored by the mainstream. However, last year's
incredibly hilarious dismantling of scientology and bleeding Catholic
icons has resulted in Viacom agreeing to pull those episodes from rebroadcast
and the upcoming DVD release of last season's shows. It even resulted
in the bitter departure of one of the show's voice characters, Isaac
Hayes (who, not surprisingly, is a scientologist).
Our ability to satirize is our humanity. Hell, the post-9/11 edition
of The Onion was the first thing that made me feel like we might get
over the damn thing. We laugh at death, tyranny, sickness, autistic
persons, the morbidly obese, terrorism, shark attacks, war, teenage
suicide, even the freaking holocaust one way of dealing with
the horrors of everyday life.
Now some devotees of a science-fiction cult which protects itself from
criticism via the cloak of 'religion' and the always reliable Catholic
Church is going to fight a cartoon show which did nothing but present,
um, THE TRUTH? Hello, it's a goddamn CARTOON.
We can't help it if the truth about scientology and supposedly bleeding
religious icons is funnier than any fiction. Not our fault.
Go as far as to make a joke or two about religion in America and it's
adios, man. Heaven forbid questioning the merits of a borderline cultish
sect or well-intentioned wackos who see the Virgin Mary in a pizza crust.
I am convinced that if either party ran an avowed child molester vs.
a great American who was an atheist; the child molester would win in
God help us all.
Some very funny remarks in the latest column. Interesting to note, there
was a panel discussion sponsored by Harper's magazine on impeaching
the president. Heavy-hitters such as John Dean of the Nixon era were
included but, although C-SPAN hosted it, they didnt air it.
You wrote: "I defy you to name a president from Lincoln on down
that did not commit some form of war crime."
Dont forget the Geneva Convention is a 20th Century phenomenon,
and thus so is being held responsible for what you do during war. Until
last century, everything was filed away under Fog Of War and went unpunished.
Also, IF--a big IF--Bush lied to get us into war, then we have an impeachable
offense. John Dean, a Republican, needless to say, thinks there is a
very solid case for impeachment--more solid than the one for Bill Clinton,
and, if I recall what he wrote correctly, even better than the one for
War is a lot more important than an unofficial hummer or eavesdropping
on a guy who couldnt have won the election anyway.
I applaud this teacher for his efforts to make the leaders of this,
or any, generation responsible for their decisions. If they deem it
a crime, then, so be it. I hear this same class had a similar hearing
putting Andrew Jackson on trial for his crimes against the Native Americans,
to which there were many and varied. The fact that this murdering son
of a bitch is on the $20 bill is a sick joke.
All the news you didn't want to read
Executives New Clothes
James Campion- Iraq Papers One
Iraq Papers Part Two
War and Politics by Dunderheads
Iraqi Papers: Pt 111
The Song and Dance men
Iraqi Papers Part 1V
Surrealism Safety Brigade
Iraqi Papers Part V
Mr MOJO Sinking
Viva Cheap Labor
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