Mitch Bytes
• Barry Mitchell - Duct tape or Iraq - somethings got to give

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Guess the serial rapists are covered, they have a ton of duct tape. Or is it duck tape? And when do we use it? Now, or do we wait until we're under attack? Guess then it would be too late, right?
"Marge I love that new duct motif, where did you get it? No." Should we caulk first? So many questions, so little time. Seriously, what the hell does Tom Ridge do all day, anyway? Always seems so out of it during press conferences, like the ideas and concepts aren't clicking inside of his head. The words don't come easily for, Tom. Very dazed and confused expression, maybe that's just his look. For the gazillionth time, he's the wrong man for the job, alright. We need someone like John Wayne, Clint Eastwood, Andy Sipowitz running the homeland. Any Joe Biden takers? Can Colin Powell do two jobs? Helen, get me Norman Schwartzkopf on the line... And if there was ever a time for the Emergency Broadcasting System alerting the public, that obnoxious sound we've grown to hate on our tv sets over the years, now would be that time.

With people working three jobs, raising a family, trying to make ends meet in this horrific economy, half the people I've spoken with haven't even heard of any heightened awareness warnings or precautionary measures. I would be broadcasting hourly on every major network with video, audio, powerpoint explaining what we should be doing during a disaster situation. Not alarming the public, but actually educating people so that all of us are on the same page. Similar to attending birthing classes so that you're prepared for delivery of the baby. Then after that good luck. Drive ya nuts the rest of your blankin' life these kids. I had hair.

And shouldn't Ridge be holding weekly progress reports, press briefings accountable to the American people? Instead of duct tape and a flashlight (Who am I, MaGyver?) how 'bout the government supplying every citizen with a gas mask? Think that might help a little more? I mean if you're at work during the attack, do ya hold your breath on the ride home? Talk about a traffic nightmare, won't be too much panic on that day. Without even thinking, there should be huge underground fortresses set up in every major city under the watchful eye of yes, Governor Tom Ridge. Shelters where thousands of people can co-habitate for extended periods of time. Just hoping Ridge has assembled a roomful of the finest minds money can buy to brainstorm terroristic scenarios 24/7. Geniuses from all walks of life developing homeland security plans, safeguards, theories, tactics round the clock.

On the bright side, just downed a few celebratory "dirty martinis" honor of the FBI/CIA. Not as strong as dah bomb, but still packs a punch. Hats off to Ashcroft, Mueller and the usual suspects. Been a little overly critical of their performance since 9/11. Kind of like when you'd come home with straight "A"s and "B" in Health and Dad would say "How'd ya get the "B" moron? Only problem is I equate the intelligence victory with the infamous hair in my food syndrome. You're devouring a great tofu stir fry at a fine center city establishment and then all of a sudden come across a tiny hair on your fork and think to yourself should I eat the rest this or more importantly, "How many did I miss?" Maybe that's where my hair went.

No secret regarding the brilliance of Cheney, Rumsfeld, Powell, Blair. Highly intelligent men, collective genius to say the least. The Affirmative Action/Anti-Abortionist jury's still out on the President. FDR, JFK, Churchill, GWB. Any questions? And if you don't think Cheney's been tucked away in an undisclosed bunker planning this Iraqi invasion for months, then I got some swamp land left near Orlando ya might be interested in. Walt bought up most of it in the 50's.

Hey Pinoke! Just picture Cheney in an underground Cinderella type castle strategizing a million ways from Sunday how we're going to totally dominate this conflict. Iraq will be annihilated before the opening kickoff. Sure the Israelis will suffer hardship from some missile strikes, but god knows those people are resilient. Imagine living with the constant fear of suicide bombers. Not an easy life sports fans. But I've come to the rational conclusion that there is no way in the world we would undertake this mission unless these men (yes Condoleeza Rice, too) were totally confident of a very quick and clean victory for the good guys. It will be the kind of invasion that's over in less than a week and Hussein will be history. Schwartznegger/Stallone type swat team will take him out dramatically and his armed forces will fold very quickly. Not unlike the "Wizard of Oz" when the soldiers hail Dorothy after she melts the wicked witch. We never knew they hated her, too.

It's all good. I repeat, there is no way in hell Cheney and the gang are going to proactively send in our young men and women, kids from all walks of life with the cutest little families to suffer severe casualties. They're just too smart. They know we've won the game already. It's all over but the shouting Lombardi breath. If you didn't know by now that war is a foregone conclusion, the mere fact that we've spent gazillions and positioned literally tons of resources and manpower in the Gulf region while UN inspectors continue to trudge through the mundanities of their daily chores...

I mean when Tony Blair deploys thousands of Monty Python troops, that's gotta finally put it all in perspective. Doesn't it? Writing on the wall may I help you? Sure it's okay for people to protest and hold anti-war rallies galore, but cries of peace will continue to fall on deaf ears amongst the White House throng. Kind of like when you'd beg dad endlessly to go to the prom in the Jag. He wasn't giving you the keys. I'm overly confident that these leaders know exactly what they're doing. Feel strongly they're taking us to the promised land. Think that's just outside of Oilville. By 2005 we'll have a ton of Hilton's, Hyatt's, TGIF's to head out to on the family vacation. Reality viewer contests will spring up re-naming Iraq. I'm currently leaning towards Bushington. Sure you could do better. Predicting it will be like the Oakland Raiders versus the Baghdad junior high powder puff team. And they have no pads. 'Course then again on any given Sunday...

"Barry Mitchell" <junctures@yahoo.com

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