INTRODUCTION TO PARENTING IN A PREDATORY ENVIRONMENT
five point guide to good parenting - eventually
to the rash of recent revelations regarding the systematic abuse,
both physically and mentally heaped on children of several generations,
we present the following public service announcement from the hard-working,
well-meaning staff of the Reality Check News & Information Desk.
Its aim is to identify evil in several forms, and not the more obvious
of the species like Nazis, pimps, thugs, terrorists, grotesquely
obese rednecks, hockey goons, loquacious crack heads, a third of
congress, televangelists, talk show hosts, people who thought it
was a good idea to marry on network television, dope fiends on welfare,
the commissioner of Major League Baseball, the Gore family, the
greedy fuckers who kidnapped my cat, Bill Gates, Chuck Heston, Al
Sharpton, the little known, but all-too frighteningly real Nixon
clones, NIKE, the entire editing department at Maxim especially
that little chunky fellow who repeats "ya know" like a
mental patient, telemarketers who do not understand the brutally
frank language of a quintessential "death threat", anyone
who refers to anyone else as "dude", the Academy of Arts
and Sciences, OPEC, NRA, NOW, PMRC and those always peppy cretins
who use the following for general murder and mayhem: God, Jesus,
Muhammad, the Bible, a flag, a clever chant, a rousing anthem, creed
or pedantic speech.
Due to space constraints and the odd bathroom break, the list has
been truncated, but suffice to say, contains witless examples of
humanitys mistakes. But it is not the obvious that we look
to expose here.
No, chances are
quite good that anyone seen ranting on about "green men from the
planet Hector stealing his soul at 4:30 on Easter Sunday morning, 1978",
while wringing his hands around a four-day old pigeon corpse is likely
to send you scampering to the other side of the street. Unless you cull
paychecks for freelance journalism, and then you are obliged to stop
and pretend to care about the gentlemans plight long enough to
bag a viable lead.
And this is why we strongly believe our extensive experience in the
realm of the odd, degenerate, deviant, mischievous and downright rotten,
allows us the exclusive privilege to speak freely about the following
subjects. As a veteran of over twenty years of running wildly around
the darkest corners of sub culture, and chairman of The Desk for the
past five, I accept the duty of dissemination with a destined ferocity
rarely equaled in the annals of the written word.
Those who have known me lo these many years will concur that I have
had the unique pleasure to have seen things that no one should have
to endure without the proper medication, weaponry or shock treatment.
Some of the things I have written about in this space and beyond should,
by all sober reasoning, have rendered me a jabbering loon long ago.
Some may astutely cite it most certainly has done so. It is a wonder
I ever leave my room willingly.
But alas, we digress, for the matter at hand is advice and wisdom and
salient pointers about the evils of this world which fail to tote their
own handy sirens. Certain clever aphorisms point to the fact that the
least of the suspected evil ones are in the greatest need of our attention.
So read carefully on if you are currently a parent, or believe that
you shall one day procreate. But, fear not fellow myopists, just about
anyone sucking air in the 21st century will benefit from our humble
foray into "personal safety for loved ones". It is all part
of a series we hope to continue to investigate in future columns under
the heading: LIFE IS BEST WHEN EXPERIENCED THROUGH THE EYES OF PARANOIA.
Point One: If you have a child, whether male or female, PLEASE
do not leave in the care of anyone EVER. Perhaps only your own parents
or possibly siblings may suffice, but only following painful scientific
scrutiny, a full cavity search of their persons and several psychological
exams. Any other option is simply egregious neglect on your part.
Point Two: All members of an organized
religion, teachers union or the ubiquitous weekend volunteer coaching
sect are prohibited. If you absolutely MUST give your kid a modicum
of spiritual guidance, a half-assed education or a slice competitive
nature, PLEASE make sure that the moment they can reason you fill their
tiny heads with mind-bending scenarios of potential mental anguish,
rape and humiliation.
Point Three: Do not teach your children
that people are bad because of their race, gender, culture, faith or
political affiliation. People are bad merely by being people. You know
damn well that you couldnt begin to calculate the moments in your
childhood when you should have been crushed, maimed, scarred or mangled
in some horrid way if you hadnt been one lucky bastard. And maybe
you werent so lucky, or know someone who didnt make it through
puberty for one stupidly heinous reason or another. So...
Point Four: The television, radio, cd player,
video game players and most filmmakers or sports celebrities are not
equipped to provide your offspring with the proper foundation for reality
in the areas of sexual conduct, personal hygiene, proper vocabulary,
polite etiquette or anything resembling sane behavior. These are forms
of entertainment and corporate cash cows, and exist solely to distract
us from understanding what the fuck is really going on in the way of
annexing our souls for a buck and a hearty guffaw.
Point Five: (and perhaps the most important
of all) Ignore convention, obliterate traditions, abuse parameters and
be very aware of those who use phrases like "Thats not how
its done." or "You better let us decide for you."
Our next few installments will
How to Arm Your Children Against Priests, Camp Councilors, Babysitters
and Gym Teachers.
Try and Avoid Marrying Crazy Women Who Are Liable to Drown Your Kids
in a Car or Murder Them En Masse After A Particularly Difficult Lunch
Men Who Lose Their Keys Every Thirty Seconds Make Bad Role Models.
Do Not Take Advice From Pathetically Wordy Columnists Who Crank Out
Meaningless Crap to Make Short-Notice Deadlines.
© James Campion May 2002 - The Pope's favorite writer
HELL FOR HOLY WEEK
James Campion - a recovering Catholic.
...anytime more than two people are gathered
in the name of God there had better not be any sharp objects available.
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