The International Writers
Guy Block Stories
to Guy, there is a third in the equation, and the third is a he, and he
is not happy about the situation.
It is often said
that two is company
Three however leads you into deep shit.
Guy Block, lecturer in English Literature at Hopemouth University
had been enjoying a delightful dalliance with a young student called
There is our two
It was a nice enough afternoon, Guy had finished his lecture, rambling
on about Lawrence to a set of eager first years which included the magnificent
Madeline whom Guy asked to stay behind as the rest of her fellow students
gathered their books and bags to leave. As the last left the room, Guy
looked down squarely at the petite Madeline who thrust her not so petite
chest forward a little and giggled girlishly in that ooh isnt
this naughty but who cares kind of way. Guy twitched a little and
smirked at the sight before scurrying to the door, placing it firmly shut
and locking it.
He walked back to face her and was about to say something witty, suggestive
and clever (as was his want) but was immediately stopped as Madeline threw
herself up into his arms.
He really wished she wouldnt do that. It hurt.
"Ooof!" Guy managed as he felt his limbs struggle and the breath
escape his body. Luckily his desk was behind them and he slumped onto
it now, sending several dissertations scattering across the parquet floor.
Settled slightly more, Madeline giggled again. Christ knows why, it wasnt
that funny, his back bloody well hurt thanks to her exertions. He hoped
his exertions would not be affected.
Oh well one way to find out, and so the kissing started.
God it felt good. Guy enjoyed the youthful voracity this girl had and
made a mental note to check his tongue in the mirror for bruising later.
Can a tongue bruise?
It would be just Guys luck if his did.
As Madeline pulled herself from his face, Guy took time out to marvel
on her beautiful features. A lovely elfin face set off with black and
dyed blonde highlighted short sharp hair under her corduroy cap, those
big wide eyes with heavy mascara whose emerald irises were now beginning
to search Guy to ask if all was ok. Let her wait a moment, Guy thought
and he evaluated the beauty of her pale red lips, the lovely large overhang
of the bottom lip suggesting a ripeness that suited her age and the paleness
of her skin in general and then that lovely perfect little beauty spot
just off her lip settling nicely on her right cheek.
How good it was to traverse the geography of her beauty he thought. She
was perfection, and a little vibrant youthful bundle of energy too. He
could have fallen head over heels for a girl like this in his younger
days. Alas those days were gone.
"What?" she finally asked to break the silence with a slight
hesitancy in her giggle this time.
"Nothing" Guy said, "just admiring" and he leaned
forward and kissed her once more, kissing her lips, her teeth, her eyelids
and even the small little white scar that joined the softest of wrinkles
on her forehead.
"Youre mad" she said with an awed smile when he stopped.
"Yes, but one mans mad is another mans normal" he
Cue another little giggle and Madeline thrust her arms under her top,
ready to remove her clothing for him, but Guy was out of luck as a sudden
incessant banging occurred.
And sadly the sudden incessant banging was not by the two of them.
Enter the third man
"Maddie? Mads? Madeline?!" came a loud voice from behind the
"Christ on a bike on Boxing Day! Who is that?" Guy exclaimed,
hurrying up off the desk.
Madeline, looking like a startled rabbit in the headlamps, stared at the
door, her big eyes growing ever wider, as she fixed and smoothed her tight
skirt back down over her legs. "It's Will!" she gasped
"Bollocks!" Guy wailed, before a quick double take led him to
ask, "Who the fuck is Will?"
"Um well, hes kinda like my fiancé" she tentatively
Guy, who at that point was walking firmly towards the door, stopped dead.
With a violent neurotic jerk of his head he asked "What?"
"Well, look right, weve known each other since school and he
came here to study with me, hes studying sports sciences actually,
he just got picked for the rugby team" she offered hopefully, with
a certain ill advised beaming pride.
"Oh" Guy said before inwardly cursing the heavens. What is the
world coming too? He thought, first off, why would anyone at that age
want to get engaged? Surely let that misery occur in later life, like
Also, why would anyone self-respecting man want to study sport? Guy recalled
in that second how delighted he was as a child when told after three years
of brutal physical education at school, he no longer had to do it. No
more running round that sodding sodden field was a blessing to him, why
would anyone want to continue to do it, not only in the latter stages
of school but on into universities?
Werent there armies to join for that sort of stupidity?
It's no wonder we are struggling in the phoney war that is Iraq.
But now was not the time for a political debate, especially as the next
thing he heard was this-
"Look I know youre in there, Im gonna smash the door
down if you dont let me in, in ten"
Guy immediately panicked and ran to the far end of the room, away from
the door, his legs stretched forward as far as possible and his head as
back as far as possible, as if his feet had made a decision to flee before
his head had even worked out what was occurring and realised that there
was nowhere to run to in the first place.
This obvious fact was relayed to him by Madeline, who after saying it,
walked as calmly as possible to the door to let Will in. "Right where
Will, your typical blonde rugger bugger, boomed almost knocking the slight
"Will?!" she exclaimed
"Who are you? Why do you barge in here?" Guy shouted with great
Well, he did in his head; in reality he croaked it feebly out, the words
wavering like a saxophone solo, or a nervous fart, which to be honest
he wouldnt be surprised if one were to make an appearance at this
"Ill tell you who I am Professor Block, Im Will and this
young lady here is my girl, has been since fifth form and so what I want
to know is what do you think you are doing trying to take her off me?"
"What?" Madeline shouted "Will do you really think theres
something going on between Prof Block and I? I mean come on Will, hes
"I am not 60!" Guy bemoaned loudly
"Well, youre not far off" Madeline replied, a brief apologetic
look crossing her face from behind Wills bulky shoulder.
It wasnt enough. That comment wounded Guy immeasurably.
And why was it slim slight pretty elfin girls with brains always fell
for thundering meatheads with hooray accents who thought that being a
gentleman meant lighting a ladies farts for her at the rugby club ball?
No matter, Will edged closer towards the now closed in Block. He was tackled
"Listen to me Prof Block, I know about you, Ive heard the rumours,
Ive even read the jokes in the student mag"
I havent, Guy thought, what are they saying about me?
"Pay attention!" Will yelled inching closer into Blocks
space. Oops Block, look him in the eye, despite the fact his breath smells,
look him in the eye. No time for drifting off.
"I know you are a serial shagger! Its disgraceful a man of your age
preying on young girls"
"Will people stop this fascination with my age Im in my mid-fifties,
Im in my mid-fifties!" Guy stammered hopelessly.
He also thought of another saying involving two, that it takes two to
tango, but he could see a pleading look in her eyes not to go there.
"Youre a pervert thats what you are! Look at you; do
you think youre special huh? Do you think youre clever?"
"Well yes" Guy answered, he was, what else could he say, "Only
comparatively" probably not that.
He could see rage boiling up in this neo-Neanderthal. Oh God, he thought,
this can only end badly. He was stuck in a corner of his own lecture room,
tackled into a situation he had almost always successfully avoided. He
struggled to find words to find a peaceful solution, to stop this from
getting any worse
"Look, erm, chill out man"
"Chill out? Chill out! You bloody hippy!" Will screamed, stressing
the word hippy as if it was the worst thing in the world
He was right, Guy thought, he is a bloody hippy, a daft old bloody hippy.
Hes Bob Harris and Will is Sid Vicious. This is just like that night
in The Speakeasy when Sid threatened Bob because he wouldnt play
punk on The Old Grey Whistle Test. Except Bob Harris was saved by the
road crew of Procol Harum and the ensuing irony therein.
Where were the hippy roadie lifesavers for Guy? Christ, he didnt
even have an Annie Nightingale! His neighbouring colleague, Emma Latimer
was away. The unfeeling bitch!
Wills face began to screw up in a way that suggested some sort of
violent action was about to happen.
Guy sadly could not manage an expression to top or even match his enemy,
and instead went for a constipated broad and pathetic smile with a slight
tear in each eye.
Wills head reeled back clearly a head butt was imminent. Madeline
screeched some kind of plea for him to stop, but to no avail. His head
almost in slow motion for Guy started to wend its way forward aiming for
Guys still pathetically smiling features. Suddenly Guy screwed his
eyes up tight and wound his neck down as if shutting his eyes would make
the attacker disappear.
Flesh and bone hit flesh and bone.
A loud thwack rang out across the room.
Will straightened his body back up and looked at Guy.
Slowly blood trickled slightly from Wills nose. Then like a flood
it erupted. Black spots began to appear before his eyes and
"You bastard! Youve
youve bloody injured me
brute!" Will wailed tearfully before failing to the floor in a faint.
Guy opened his eyes and raised his neck back up from his shoulders, tortoise
like. "What um
what happened?" he asked bewildered.
you floored Will" Madeline said dumbstruck.
Wills forehead, instead of hitting the desired target of a hippy
nose, instead found a hippy skull, busting his nose wide open.
"Ill erm Ill call an ambulance" Guy stuttered as
Madeline crouched down to attend to the stricken Will.
And so goes the old adage, never trust a hippy.
© Mark Cunliffe.
Eddie Cochran once sang of love as being a journey built on Three
Steps To Heaven;
'Step one - you find a girl to love
Step two - she falls in love with you...'
Round The Block
"Wouldnt you agree Prof. Block?"
How would he know. Guy Block hadnt been listening.
There comes a time for everyone when you have to meet someone you used
to know. The very fact that there are billions and trillions of people
in this world and that you do not meet them all yet continue to meet
the same people, the blasts from the pasts is an odd one. But that is
what we do.
on the Block
Guy Block groaned in despair at another start to another week. He leant
out from his slumber and hit the snooze button,
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