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WHEN FEAR TAKES OVER
Finding answers to life

Laura Drentea

First Chapter: A book for the New Believer.
How you understand this partial poem, dictated a little of your way of thinking in your life.

I Give you my Love,
I offered to care for your heart,
But you shunned me,
keeping us apart.
I can't help but wonder if I had,
a million dollars, or a 4 year degree,
If then you would have noticed me.
If I wanted something casual,
instead of something so true,
Would then I wonder,
Would you even have a clue?
I give you, Myself
For all others to see,
And I wonder then, self revealed
Why you still do not notice me.

My name is Laura, The above poem was written a few weeks ago by myself about a man with whom I wanted attention from, and well as you can tell, he didn't know I was alive. As I came across this poem, I read it, and saw a totally different meaning in what I wrote, only a few weeks prior.

This book is for the New Believer, like myself. As a child of the Lord, I now view my poem of denied love in a much different way. Here, let me explain. Picture Jesus offering himself to you, coming to you, you hear his voice in the back of your mind, yet you deny him. He wants to give you all that he is, and can share with you, yet you don't know he is alive. He tries every thing he can to let you see him, yet you don't. If he could bribe you with money, and materialistic things, would you consider giving him a chance then? What does it take for him to be noticed?
My inital desire to write this was out of my own personal confusion. I have a decent job, a wonderful caring family, good friends, health, and a vigorous drive, that branched off into personality, sexual desires, my writing, and thoughts. Not to be misunderstood that I partake in casual sex, I am just a normal California girl, with a mind in overdrive of thoughts. So what does it take to finally notice him? Faith. Yeah, yeah, I am sure you have heard this before. How can you truly believe in something you cannot see, or is beyond our normal way of thinking?

I grew up in a Catholic home, attended youth group as a child, went to church, was baptized and did community services for the homeless, and child shelters. God was in my life, or so I thought. I still went about my daily do's and don'ts the way I chose to live life, but yeah, sure the Lord was in my life. Boy was I wrong. I do however believe if it was not for my Mother's strong belief in God, would i have easily accepted this new change in my life. I enjoyed doing things when I wanted, how I wanted. I always think of others before myself, yet lived a lifestyle that was very selfish. Sound familiar?

The day that my life changed, was beautiful and scary, and a bundle of confusion and eagerness. I generally liked my life, but was not ready for the change. I had tried many times as a young teen into adulthood to pick up the Bible in my Parents home and read it, only to put it down not more than a few minutes later, because I could not understand much of it. I would do this every now and then in hopes of one day finally understanding it, or to find that Jesus has secretly changed the words in "Laura's Language." No such luck. I wanted a closer relationship with Jesus, but I had never really made a great effort to do so. but the need was there. So I was not surprised in the least while having a lazy night on the internet, floating around the net, had a man messaged me, and through our conversation, It was apparent that he was smitten with the Lord.

Speaking with him for a few days after work online, as I sent out emails to my friends and viewed websites, I began to transform. On my next day off from work, I found myself in Wal-Mart purchasing my own bible. Jesus asks us to deprive ourselves of pride, and to be humble, so I feel comfortable sharing with you that I bought a teen Bible. Some man had finally come up with the idea of making the teachings of the bible, in "Laura's Language" I was so happy. I was not ready for the change however. Changing my life meant, just that, really changing my life. But I walked out of that store a proud woman. As soon as I got home, I got out some cloth, and hunted for a "God's Eye" cross from when I was a child that I still had somewhere. And I hand made my own book cover for my bible. At first it was to cover up the letters saying "Teen Bible" but, within the hour while making the cover, it transformed from covering up the word teen, to complete pride and care for my bible. My transformation happened almost overnight, but took many weeks and months to adapt and grow.

Questions I've had, new one's I thought of overtook me, and I read feverishly every night. Searching for something. What do I do now? What exactly must I change? And am I allowed to enjoy anything in life still? The questions kept coming, and they wouldn't stop. What are the boundaries? Are their verses in the scriptures that give detailed answers? Really, I could not halt the questions my mind had, and it quickly turned into fear. Fear is not a bad thing by any means, now as I write this, I am grateful it was there, it helped me along my path in so many ways. Growth, and it kept me curious about learning more. You see, I am a very detailed, descriptive woman, I am one of those who dissect everything you say and do, or things I see, to find more beyond what is revealed. So when the fear took me over of how to be a good child of God and not sin, I needed to know the "Boundaries." As a younger child, my parents and grandmother would buy me Porcelain dolls, you know the kind that the eyelids move if you moved the doll in any way? Well, my mom (to this very day still) is upset because I would tear the doll apart to find out how they eyes moved. This is just the way that I am. My brain goes into overdrive, thoughts come from anywhere, and everywhere and I have to find the answers, in any way that i can to find that peace.

FINDING PEACE:
It is this drive within me that kept me going strong. I never knew how contagious the Bible was. My mother would often tell me as I would go to the library weekly, since I love to read, that all the romance novels, and Ann Rice books Iread, that I could find just as much if not more deceit, and lies, and sexual adultery and sin in the bible itself. It was the greatest book of all. Full of many of the things in which I checked out at the library. Boy was she right. If I was not digging into the Bible itself, I was on the internet looking up scriptures in the Bible by keyword, or in my car on my break from work listening to ministries on the radio. I was filled with eagerness and a drive that for once was steered positive.

I wanted to have a better "Report Card" into heaven, and I intended to get there. I just had to figure out how, and what exactly I needed to change. How can you change completely who you are, and still be you? Although I was not currently dating anyone, I did however go on casual dates, just to get out of the house, and flee from the get up each morning, go to work, and back home to bed routine. But what happens when I actually meet someone I wish to know better? What are those boundaries from the bible that will not lead me astray from the Lord, and yet, let me find happiness here?

The questions just won't stop. Can we kiss? hold hands? How far is to far, when you want to get romantic? How can you marry someone without being intimate?

First we must define what our definition of being "intimate" is and how it differs from the Lord. Much different you might think? Well, it is not, truly it is the way in which WE view the word. If we put our thoughts into the way the Lord does, then we may have a better understanding of it. I will go into this subject further on. Right now, I wish to speak about the fears that may be arising within you, as they did for me. First off, I must soundly confirm that the fear you feel is a good thing, as well as any guilt you may have. It will in the long run keep you on the right path, so do not let it lead you astray. Your not perfect, none of us are. Know this going into it, and you can have the power at your hands to find the peace in the Lord your searching for.

© Laura Drentea 2003
laura@sandiegosystems.com

If you want to share your feelings about this email Laura she is writing a book about it.

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