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with Barry



by Barry Mitchell


…could ya write a better screenplay? It’s like first they give Florida to Gore and then like an hour later they say ah, no , sorry made a mistake, takin’ it back. My bad. Too close to call. And it’s like my daughter’s there crying and I’m in shock thinkin’ made a mistake, they never make a mistake. Seemed like all of a sudden they got a call on the red phone from Vito or Dominick sayin’ give the ball to Georgie, capeesh gentlemen?

Then later on they give it to Bush, then they take it away, then... Did I mention that the state in question, the state that would ultimately decide the election of the Presidency of the United States of America, happens to be governed by the brother of the Republican candidate? What are the chances of that happenin’ Gomer? Hello?

But that’s cool, that’s okay, ‘cause he’ll excuse, recuse, diffuse (Jesse Jackson may I help you? Talk about a cheap imitation of one the greatest speakers of the 20th century, can the man stop rhyming for a blankin’ minute and maybe get a life?) himself of any of the political upheaval or decision making process that will surely ensue. Thought that was greatttt news, total impartiality, until I find out that the woman in charge of giving the final verdict, believe it or not, actually ran Jeb’s campaign in Florida! Talk about a coincidence. She’s definitely objective. For sure. And what kind of name is Jeb anyway? What the hell were those parents thinkin’? Bible belt you’re on the air!

So now we’ve reached this, for lack of a better term, total atrocity and breakdown of the greatest (I’ll admit it I’m prejudiced) governing/political system in the world. So many questions, so little time, not the least of which being, aren’t there only 300 votes separating them as we speak. Didn’t it used to be like 1700? How’d that happen? Are all the states as disorganized and inept as Florida? Should we recount every state? And isn’t 300 beyond close? Like 6 million votes total, and they’re separated by a grain of sand. It’s gold I tell ya. Like Fosse’s choreagraphing it from…

And how come states use different balloting criteria and methodologies? Why isn’t it uniform throughout our nation? Wouldn’t that make sense? I mean I went into this beautiful little, totally electronic booth that you’d have to be a total moron to mess up and then ya look at Florida, dare I say Palm Beach, and it’s like 1953 revisited. Punching little holes in a card and dropping them in a ballot box? Did they get them on ebay?
Is this on? Testing 1,2,3…

And talk about an all star cast! I’m watchin’ Daley the other day thinkin’ where have I heard that name before? "Ah maybe Barry ‘cause his father was Mayor of Chicago for 100 years son". Think he has any political experience? Then they fly Baker down there and if he’s not the coolest son of a bitch in the world. No offense to ole Warren, but Baker could eat Gore, Bush and Cheney for lunch, with a side of toasted, check that, bageled Lieberman. Definitely Bush’s best move. Such a manner, charisma about him, whatever Baker says I totally believe. Earth is flat. Long live Jim!

And God bless the media coverage. Haven’t seen television like this since the Gulf War. Used to love Wolf whatever his name was from CNN with those Scuds and Patriots. All that unbelievable footage, live via satellite, 24/7. Wherever you looked it was the Gulf War Crisis. And now it’s Tallahassee.
Which brings me to my final thought. Really felt there should be no recount, thought fair is fair. I know the ballots were slightly confusing. I know the people are old, I lived in Florida for a couple years, pop. Remember going like 50 mph on the highway one day and saw these old people way up ahead walking slowly across the street. I had the green light but that didn’t matter. If I didn’t slam on the brakes there would have been 3 dead (albeit old) Jews. It’s nice to have grandparents, but ah, 10,000 living in a 2-mile square radius can make ya a little nutty my friend. How many cheeks can ya squeeze!

So yeah, really didn’t think there should be a recount until… I’m watchin’ Bush the other nite on television rebutting the Gore plea for peace. Did ya catch George W. (and why is it always W? Why not George Jr.?) by chance? Am I the only guy that thought there was like a gun pointed at his head? He looked so nervous, stiff, forced, wood-like if you will, actually seemed to be on the verge of regurgitation like his father.

And you could see his eyes moving back and forth as he read from the teleprompter, like they’d kill his kid being held hostage at knifepoint if he screwed up. Or like he had stolen an apple from old man Johnson’s yard and his dad was making him apologize and give it back. Or like he was in front of the school at assembly giving a speech on anti-abortion and the death penalty. Or like he was three and had just gone to the bathroom in his pants, minus the diaper. Been there, done that. Newest indian name

It was then and only then that I said to myself, would it really hurt to recount the vote? Seriously. Thinkin’ the man’s lookin’ a bit guilty, knows somethin’ maybe that us common folk aren’t privy to. If he’s this anxious now, how ‘bout when he’s dealing with the Ruskies, Arafat and Sadam. Oyvey!

I don’t know, maybe I’m gay or somethin’, or maybe I do live in "Hollywood", but there has to be some sort of integrity given to the highest office in the land. The President has to live on a different plain then we mortals do. I mean after all, that’s why they are the blankin’ President for Christ’s sakes, right?.

Clinton unfortunately didn’t live up to that standard, course we all knew going in he had a tendency, a bit of an eye towards the ladies, we just wanted to overlook it when faced with our alternative choices. Didn’t we?

More importantly, what do we really know about Bush going in?
On that note, I’m Barry Mitchell.
And until next time, be yourself.
© Barry Mitchell 2000
You can reach Barry Mitchell at:

*Can Gore claw back now Bush is the Man in Waiting? Barry will let us know pretty soon!
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