Kobe Bryant is not going to jail.
or guilty, matters not. The rich and famous dont go to jail. Let
that read the rich and famous who are worth a great deal of scratch
to the not-so famous rich and their public concerns. Kobe Bryant falls
into that category big time, thus he is not going to jail.
The merely rich, but not famous, who lord over doomed corporate malfeasance
like Enron go to jail. Some of the rich and famous go to jail for short
periods of time like Robert Downey Jr. and Mike Tyson, but that is usually
when there isnt too much more money that can be made to warrant
keeping them free. Politicians dont go to jail either. And even
if they happen to stumble in there by mistake, they go to a country
club with bars on the windows.
Then there is O.J. Simpson.
No use getting angry with Bryant over this. He is a two-dimensional
test tube human. He does not deal with life as we do. He is a walking
billboard, a public relations machine. He plays basketball and sells
fast food and sneakers. He wears expensive suits and hangs with big
celebrities. Everything that exists around Bryant is barely real, like
a parallel universe, only with more fun.
Evidence of Bryants inability to understand our reality versus
his own became apparent when he was first accused of raping a woman
weeks ago. That is when he laughed at the ridiculous nature of doing
such a thing. Not him. He was adamant about that. The whole thing didnt
compute for him.
Then emerged the famous three letters that once had a president going
from vehement denials to mia culpas in a Washington minute; DNA.
With DNA involved, Bryant went from guffawing at the Espy Awards in
an Italian suit to a conciliatory press conference in a Gap sweater
and loafers in 24 hours. This kind of backtrack would give most humans
whiplash. But not the two-dimensional test tube types. Theyre
Alas, physical evidence is tough on the rich and famous, but it doesnt
However, it is always nice hearing the two-dimensional test tube person
offering pangs of love in public displays of humility. This is their
substitute for excusing all possibility of higher crimes by referring
to reality fuck-ups as "mistakes". This is what these people
They talk about mistakes as if victims of circumstance, that by merely
existing outside their two-dimensional pods they are vulnerable. Take
Michael Jackson for example. His is the mother of all two-dimensional
test tube lives. Kobe Bryant has only been two-dimensional since the
age of 18. Jackson has been at it since 7. He is so far gone on the
parallel universe that a mountain of physical evidence and heinous crimes,
financial misappropriations or irrational maneuvers with infants could
not get him near a jail cell. We dont even see Michael as human
But back to Bryant.
Its important to point out that there is a good chance that the
man, while guilty of the two-dimensional test tube "mistake",
is innocent of a crime. Impressionable youth around two-dimensional
test tube lives can be heady. Things happen. Things us reality people
wouldnt understand. Mistakes.
But all that is window dressing, because Kobe Bryant is not going to
jail. High-priced lawyers, media smear campaigns, well-orchestrated
news events and quiet pay-offs, but jail? Thats three-dimensional
© James Campion July 27th 2003
LIFE IN THE TRENCHES
HAIL ANN COULTER: CHAMPION OF THE DUMB
Road Map To Peace
MANDATE & OTHER SILLY CLAIMS
on Hackwriters by James
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