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James Campion

Having only heard from the infamous GOP snitch once since the events of 9/11/01, which was described by Mr. Campion as a disjointed message rendered mainly through indecipherable code, the insider known as Georgetown contacted jc the week before Christmas from an undisclosed location via the walkie-talkie feature of his Nextel phone. The following is the most coherent portions of that conversation.

jc: It's been a long time. I put several calls into your office, and no one is willing to go on record regarding your whereabouts. You were assumed dead until I saw your picture on the CNN web site in the background of the Ashcroft deposition on treason.
GT: Hey, everyone on the payroll is a little busy right now. Plus, after reading those irresponsible columns you were cranking out for weeks on the war, I couldn't lend credibility to any of it. You know the only reason you have any clout down here is because I keep calling you a cancer. That's a popular term right now.
jc: Irresponsible?
GT: What is this bullshit about bin Laden being dead? He's not dead. I know four major Saudi diplomats who had dinner with him last week. That legless fuck, what's his name, the guy in that video with him, called the embassy in Pakistan and leaked his travel arrangements to the secretary. Christ, he's using an American jeep to pick up broads at the border. Where do you get your info?
jc: I need to see a body. No one can to produce it, because it's chopped up and buried in caves all over the desert. This allows his disciples to claim he ascended to heaven on some big rock in Tora Bora where he sits at the right hand of Mohammad laughing at the Western Satan.
GT: This is why it is impossible to talk to you now. You think this is all a big joke
jc: I'm not joking. He's dead.
GT: He's not dead. We have tapes dated 12/13 that have him ordering mescaline from his connection out of a hotel in Riyadh. He's changed his name to Shlomo, and often passes himself off as an Israeli diamond merchant.
jc: That sounds like a blatant rumor. What did he need mescaline for? He was sitting on a mountain of smack.
GT: The man's a junky whore.
jc: Anyone in this government have any balls to call the Saudis out for this?
GT: King George is not going there. Not with a 90% approval rating and gas prices plummeting.
jc: Iraq?
GT: There are already CIA agents planting Wall Street Journal press credentials on Iraqi military officers. American press affiliation is now punishable by hanging. Except for the NY Times, which is considered an ally of the Hussein regime.
jc: So, this will bring the grand total to three American presidents defeated by Saddam the Terrible.
GT: Not so fast. There will be weapons inspectors in there by Valentine's Day. You can count on that. We have Hussein's brother-in-law handcuffed to a shower nozzle in an Atlantic City hotel room. He's standing in about a foot of water with his testicles connected to a car battery.
jc: Old-fashioned CIA stuff.
GT: You were right about one thing in those ridiculous columns: The
real spy-ring is back, baby.
jc: I need to see more assassinations.
GT: They're coming.
jc: Since you're being brutally honest, can you comment on the 60
Minutes report last Sunday that Republican congressmen were sending death threats to Jim Jeffords' house.
GT: So? That fucking, scum sucking, traitor humped the system, screwed his constituents, the party and the whole goddamn country. He should be standing next to that John Walker kid when they send him to the firing squad.
jc: Are you confirming that story?
GT: Wish I could, but CBS hasn't gotten anything right since Uncle
Walty walked.
jc: You think that kid's a traitor?
GT: Jeffords is no kid.
Jc: I mean the American kid who fought with the Taliban.
GT: I'll eat monkey shit if he's convicted of anything.
Jc: I didn't ask you that.
GT: Traitor.
jc: Back to the Jefford's factor. Are you guys concerned about the budget vote?
GT: I'm concerned about the fact that the people of Vermont voted for a Republican and ended up with an Independent that is holding up the GOP agenda, backed by one of the most popular presidents in forty years. Now this bastard is holding court to the highest bidder. It's criminal and should be exposed for what it is: self-aggrandizement.
jc: See if you agree with this: Junior runs this War on Terrorism up the flag poll for four years, brilliantly masking the inevitable bankruptcy of the US economy.
GT: How about this one? Seventy percent of all Americans under the age of 25 join the military, leaving more money for their parents to spend now that they don't have to bail them out, pay for drug rehab or support college in perpetuity.
jc: Do you expect the government to start investigating all these celebrity charity events?
GT: Let's call that whole thing what it is: a PR farce. They've spent thirty years trying to figure out where the Concert For Bangladesh money went and now George Harrison's dropped dead. Christ, you can't expect dolts like George Clooney to know what's going on. And it's painful watching that O'Reilly guy sucking up free press by calling him names. It's like watching Madonna at a Hollywood premier. Creeps the hell out of me.
jc: I'm not even that cynical.
GT: Didn't I just hear you do a radio spot recently where you swore college football is fixed?
jc: I've started a petition to hold the next BCS poll meeting in Cleveland so their brutish drunken Browns fans can pelt them with garbage.
GT: You can put a bonnet on a whore, but that doesn't make her queen of the Easter parade.
jc: Ouch.
GT: I was talking about football.
jc: Last one. I've been dying to know how badly you think we fucked up on 9/11.
GT: (long pause) Have kids, then tell them to have children, and hopefully by then they will know what happened.

© James Campion 2001

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