26 Years Online
••• The International Writers Magazine - Dreamscapes Life Stories

Happiness Can Wait • Abigail George Motherhood isn't for everyone

“What are you doing, Cat? People watching?” Elise asked.
It rained that morning. It rained as Elise brushed her hair. It rained as she fed the cat and made coffee for herself. Daniel was still sleeping. She didn’t know when the thought of leaving him entered her mind.

As she opened the top kitchen drawer next to the small microwave oven, searching for the can opener for the tinned cat food, she remembered Terry, the Terry from her childhood, Terry the man her mother Sharon told her who was her stepfather. Terry and his kind brown eyes as he made spaghetti in their kitchen while her mother was laying down after working the night shift. Terry didn’t have a job. He was at home most of the day. In the evening, he would go for a walk in the neighbourhood, stopping at the neighbourhood café to buy bread and milk and for a chat sometimes with the café’s owner. In the afternoon Elise and Terry would play chess before she watched cartoons as a reward for helping with the dishes. He would play Daniel Barenboim and Leonard Bernstein in the background as she did her homework. Her mother was a distant figure in her life as a child world while Terry always loomed larger than life.

One day a young woman with two small children came to the house. She knocked for a very long time at the door. Eventually Elise’s mother woke up and answered the door.
“No,” she said. “Wrong number.”
Elise didn't move. She watched Popeye's muscles and the tips of Olive Oyl's shoes.
Terry stood at the stove in the kitchen boiling eggs.
“Have they gone?” he asked.
Elise’s mother Sharon hugged Terry. It was the first time Elise had seen Terry cry.
“What’s the matter Terry?” Elise stood in the doorway and looked at the buttered bread piled high on the plate.
But Terry said nothing and Sharon told Elise to go and watch television. So Elise went back to watching cartoons. She ignored the sound of breaking glass and her mother’s, “Oh Terry, what if they come back again and I’m not here.”

The baby was awake. Fern was a sweet child. She slept through the night. She didn’t cry. She wasn’t a handful. Elise, now a grownup thought to herself, “She doesn’t look like me. She looks like Sharon, my mother.”
Elise thought of the last time her mother Sharon had visited, armed with a carton of cigarettes, a tin of powdered baby milk and nappies.
“Well, I just don’t know. I thought you were going to leave him. I thought Daniel wasn’t exciting enough for you.” Sharon spooned sugar into her mug and licked the remaining sugar crystals off the spoon.
“I got pregnant, remember.” Elise dipped a cracker into her mug of steaming coffee.
“Yes, how could I forget that. All your dreams and mine for you going up in a blaze. Are you going to get married?” Sharon took a cigarette and lit it.
“Mum, please put that out. The baby. It’s not good for Fern.” Elise reached for another cracker.
“Now you want to play the good mother. I don’t understand you. You were about to go abroad and now this. A baby. You’re not suited for this kind of life. You have to understand that you gave up on your dreams. You're not ready to have a family, Elise.” Sharon looked at her lighter and began to play with it.
“He wanted the baby.” Elise said with no show of emotion on her face.
“Ah, so it’s what Daniel wants.” Sharon interjected.

“I don’t know what I want. I just want to be happy.” Elise responded to her mother by slamming her fist on the table. The baby moved in her crib, unbeknownst to the two women.
“Terry wants to know when you’re coming to visit him. Us. He can’t manage these stairs and you know that.” Sharon licked her bottom lip.
“I brought oranges. Do you want one?” Elise shook her head. Sharon reached for an orange and began to peel it.
“I’m unhappy because you were unhappy.” Elise was upset and it was beginning to show.
“Don’t blame me. Just don’t blame me for all your problems. Don’t blame me for the life you chose.” Sharon's voice rose in anger.
“The baby needs me.” Elise reacted with vehemence.
“You have to decide.” Sharon was eager to bring the conversation to a close.
“Decide what? Mum, what do you want me to say?” Elise blinked back tears.
“You have to decide if you love Daniel. Orange?” Elise shook her head as her mother offered her a piece of fruit.
“I love Fern. All mothers love their children.” Elise wiped her eyes with her sleeve.
“Its not a matter of all mothers loving their children. Do you love Daniel enough to stay?” Sharon stopped chewing mid-thought.
“It doesn’t have to be one or the other, sometimes the child is enough.” Elise started taking crackers from the packet and breaking them in half.
“You're making a mess, Elise. What if you have more children?” Sharon stopped chewing and took another bite of the orange.
“I’ll be careful.” Elise started to wipe the crumbs together with her hands. She got up and went in search of a clean dishcloth.
“Oh, Elise. You were a bright spark. You were going to go abroad.” Sharon eyed the carton of cigarettes again.
“Mother, stop saying that. I can still go to Italy.” Elise stood at the kitchen sink watching a raindrop splatter against the window.
“Elise, listen to me when I speak. How can you go with Fern? Daniel works as an apprentice mechanic. Is he going to look after the baby? In Italy I wonder how many jobs there are for apprentice mechanics? Is the baby alright?” Elise picked up her mother's orange peels and placed them neatly in the dustbin. Sharon watched her the entire time.
“Fern is still sound asleep. I don’t have to go to Italy. That’s not on the cards anymore. You left this behind the last time you were here. I am returning them to you.” Elise reached for the pack of cigarettes in her bathrobe's pocket.
“Did you take a shower today?” came Sharon's voice.
“No, I didn't have time. Daniel was gone when I woke up.” Elise reached for the lighter next to the mug of coffee.
“That habit can't be good for the baby.” Sharon remarked tersely.
“Oh, mummy. What's the point of you coming over here to visit me and Fern if you're just going to criticise my parenting skills.” Elise looked as if she was on the verge of tears again.

Both women sat quietly then, lost in their inner worlds. Time stood still for a moment. Elise lit a cigarette and took a few puffs.
“Have you calmed down now?” Sharon asked in a warm tone of voice.
“Yes, I feel much better now.” was Elise's response.

Elise looked at the baby’s face after Sharon left. The baby was sleeping in her crib. Terry had bought a pram for the baby. Sometimes when she prepared supper for Daniel she muted the television and watched the images. She could see the television from where she cut up vegetables on the countertop. It usually would be a simple and inexpensive meal. Daniel decided that she should take a break from art school, whatever that meant, and look after the baby. They would get by and everybody could help. When Elise told Sharon this she raised an eyebrow.
“He says it will be rewarding. We're still young.” Elise's voice was too bright.
“He does? Do you usually go along with everything he says?” Sharon was chewing a mint.

The baby was watching Elise as she packed her belongings in a suitcase. Elise began to cry.
“You want your bottle? Your father will be home soon Fern. What is mummy going to do? He’ll ask me about the suitcase. Oh, Fern, we’re running out of money.” Elise let out an exasperated sigh and threw her hands into the air. She leaned against the wall and took a deep breath.
“Alright, Elise, you've got this.” Elise tucked a stray curl that distracted her field of vision behind her ear.
The baby grew quiet as Elise comforted her. Elise put her in her crib and went to make a bottle. The baby fell asleep. Elise looked at the disarray in the bedroom. Books, clothes and shoes.
“This is all my stuff. It can’t fit into a suitcase. I’ll have to ask my mother for help. What is your father going to do with you? Alone. You’ll be all alone in the world. Daniel and Fern. Fern and Daniel.” Elise said out loud.

“Stay.” said Daniel. He was drinking a light beer. “Why do you want to leave me?”
“I don’t love you.” Elise felt her heart beating fast in her chest. She hated conflict. Disagreements between her and Daniel often led to bitter arguments between them.
“My parents never loved each other but they stayed together. You're just being stubborn.” Daniel couldn't meet Elise's gaze. He couldn't understand how she could be so calm, so in control.
“That was then. This is now.” Elise turned around so her back faced Daniel. She made a ponytail.
“It’s your mother.” Daniel had a lump in his throat.
“Maybe. I don’t know.” Elise started having second thoughts.
“Elise, I didn’t say you could never go back to school, I just said maybe you could go back when Fern is a bit older.” Daniel was still on his first beer.
“Maybe. I don’t know.” Elise thought maybe he was telling the truth. Did they speak about it?
“Stay Elise. Just stay. Don’t abandon your daughter. Don't abandon us. Families stay together.” Daniel chose his words with care.
“I’m tired. I’m going to lay down. Keep an ear out for the baby. She just had a bottle.” Elise said quietly.
“I think it’s best if you have a rest.”

Daniel sat for a long time in the kitchen, not drinking his beer. When the baby woke up, he watched her for a while until Elise took over again.
“Make another bottle for her.” The baby started to cry in Elise's arms.
“Sharon needs to bring nappies and we’re running out of milk. Don’t look at me like that. I put food on the table. I know I don't earn enough.” Daniel said miserably.
“Don’t put the television on. I have a headache. I’ll phone my mother later on.” Elise was hurt by Daniel's words, his and actions but this was nothing new.

Elise closed the curtains and lay down in the darkened room. Daniel had been a mistake. She could see that now. But it was too late. She would have to get a job. No more expensive art school. No more going abroad and traveling. How could she have been so stupid. It was still raining. She put her head on the cool spot on the pillow and fell asleep.

“What are you doing?” Daniel's voice was innocent.
“I’m writing a letter.” Elise was making a life-altering decision and wanting to make little out of it.
“To who?” Daniel's voice came again, innocent, as if he had committed no wrong.
“To you. If you must know, Daniel, I am writing to you.” Elise put the pen down.
“Are you finished writing it? It looks important. What does it say? Elise, what does it say?” Daniel was putting pressure on her.
“I’m leaving you. Daniel, please listen to me. I am leaving you.” Elise put her head in her hands.
“You’re not leaving me. You just had a baby.” Daniel was incredulous, and his reaction was one of shock and dismay.
“I’m leaving you. I want my life back.” Elise said this calmly, coolly and pushed her chair back.
“You have a life with me and Fern.” Daniel was still taken aback by the night's events.
“No, I don’t.” Elise was still calm.
“You’ll realise that this was a mistake one day. That I was a mistake.” Elise started trembling.
“Fern is not a mistake. Say it. I want you to say that our child was not a mistake."
So instead, you say nothing.
"I wonder whose at the door.” Daniel was shouting now.
“It’s my mother. She’s going to help me get my things.” Still shaking, Elise started to move around the room.
“Alright, I won’t stop you. Go.” Now it was Daniel's turn to be calm.

“I’m unhappy.” Elise stood beside her mother.
“Elise, just go.” Daniel closed his eyes and hugged the baby to his chest. She was quiet, watching, studying the human behaviour of the adults in her midst.
“Daniel, I can’t cope anymore. Can you understand that?” Elise couldn't take it anymore. Daniel was too calm. His thoughts were too collected.
“Go before I lose it. You both show no remorse.” Daniel looked at Elise and Sharon hard.
“You’ll find someone who’ll love you and be a good mother to Fern.” Elise really wanted that for them both, for Daniel and Fern to be happy.
“Do I tell her about you?” Now it was Daniel's turn to be calm.
“It’s up to you what you tell Fern about me.” Elise said quietly. She didn't care what Daniel told Fern about her.
“You’re really leaving?” Daniel couldn't believe what he was hearing.
“Yes, she’s leaving you Daniel.” Sharon was almost elated. She had her daughter back. Studying in Italy was again on the horizon.
“You never liked me, Sharon. You never thought I was good enough for your daughter.” Daniel's tone was bitter.
“Terry is waiting in the car.” Sharon said with just a hint of impatience.
“Elise, say goodbye to Fern before you go.” Daniel's voice came plaintively.
“Elise, Terry is waiting.” Sharon almost hissed at Daniel.
“Mum, I’ll just kiss Fern goodbye.” said Elise sadly.
“Elise?” Daniel too was sad now, tearing up as he looked across at her confused, baffled.
“Yes, Daniel?” Elise did not meet his eyes.
“You can’t come back here. I won’t forgive you and neither will Fern.” Daniel kept his eyes on Elise.
“Yes, Daniel. Of course, I understand.” Elise kept moving towards the front door, and kept her eyes on the floor.

Sharon and Elise made their way down the stairs. Up and down the stairs while Daniel and Fern watched them. When Elise took the suitcase, she looked at her old bedroom one last time and cleared her throat as her eyes fell on the crib in the corner. Elise felt relieved.
“Hi Terry.” Elise greeted Terry warmly as she got into the backseat of the Toyota.
“Hi Elise. It’s cold.” Terry turned around. He looked ill. Elise looked at her mother but she ignored her daughter's gaze.
“Yes, it’s cold.” Elise smiled at him, remembering his spaghetti and his records.
“What will they do now?” Terry whispered.
“They’ll have each other. Elise can hear you, you know?” Sharon brought her finger to her lips to shush Terry.
“To be quite honest with the both of you, I think that Daniel needs Fern more than he needs me,” said Elise biting her top lip.

As the car pulled away from the apartment building the rain came down hard. Elise watched the buildings turn into a suburb.
“I’ll miss that cat.” Elise murmured under her breath. She shivered from the cold. “Please, Terry, put the heater on.” Elise's hand lingered on the car seat.
Terry watched Elise in the mirror. A rush of warm air filled the car.
He watched her as she turned her head to the side and closed her eyes.
“Let her sleep, Terry. Let her sleep.” Sharon said.
“What will be, will be, whatever happens to a woman who abandons her child?” Elise said, half outloud, unaware of her surroundings as the car moved closer towards the only real home she had ever known, her childhood home that had seen her mother's boyfriends come and go before Sharon had settled on Terry.

“Don't put the radio on, Terry. Elise is sleeping. She smokes now too, did you know that? Daniel's influence. No doubt about that.” Sharon grimaced and popped a piece of menthol bubblegum in her mouth.

© Abigail George - September 2025

*If you have issues with post-natal depression advice here

Triptych
Abigail George 5.11.21
Risk is a mistake. There’s beautiful thinking in the red wildflowers of my sister’s hair.

Share |