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The International Writers Magazine - Our Tenth Year: USA Healthcare

A Healthcare Pledge for Conservatives
Larry S. Rolirad

As a Conservative who DOES NOT have Health Insurance:

I, ___________, as a conservative who DOES NOT have health care insurance, I do hereby pledge to refuse all health care paid for by the government. I pledge if I become sick, or a member of my family becomes sick, that I will refuse to be treated by any doctor, hospital or emergency personnel if the cost for these services will in any way be subsidized by a state or federal government.
I, ___________, as a conservative who DOES NOT have insurance, I do hereby pledge to wait one year from the time of my first symptoms until I go to the emergency room of a government-funded county hospital because I believe the 45,000 people who die every year due to inability to access quality health care deserve to die, after all, they are really deadbeats who could afford health insurance if they wanted it.
I, ___________, as a conservative who DOES NOT have insurance, I do hereby pledge to never accept any medical technologies, innovations, treatments or medications that were paid for, subsidized or developed using government funds because I believe them to be 'socialistic' and therefor evil. I know capitalistic 'for profit' companies will always act in the best interests of human beings, and never attempt to profit off of a person who is sick or dying.
I, ___________, as a conservative who DOES NOT have insurance, I do hereby pledge to continue to support the pharmaceutical industry making profits of 77 billion a year by overcharging for drugs and thereby preventing people from obtaining drugs to stay alive. As a conservative, I believe if a person can not afford medications they deserve to die because I believe 'poverty' or being a member of the working poor should be a capital offense. As a conservative I also support the current system where pharmaceutical companies spend more on advertising drugs than they do for research and development of drugs.
I, ___________, as a conservative who DOES NOT have insurance, do hereby pledge that if I am too sick to go to the hospital I will not call a government sponsored '911' program, because I believe such emergency services to be 'socialistic' and therefore 'evil. I furthermore pledge to just sit in my house and die along with the other 45,000 people who die each year due to lack of access to health care if I cannot afford life-saving medical treatment.As a Conservative who DOES HAVE have Health Insurance:
I, ___________, a conservative who HAS health care insurance, do hereby pledge to never disagree if my insurance company refuses to pay a valid claim, for I know they would never do anything to hurt another human being for money.
I, ___________, a conservative who HAS health care insurance, do hereby pledge to remain subservient to my insurance company and will never disagree if they refuse to pay for a valid claim by stating that it is related to a 'pre-existing condition', even if the condition has nothing to do with my current illness.
I, ___________, a conservative who HAS health care insurance, do hereby pledge to always agree with my insurance company even if they use some obscure loophole intentionally inserted into my policy to deceive me and to prevent me from getting the health care I need to remain alive.
I, ___________, a conservative who HAS health care insurance, do hereby pledge that I will not accept medical treatment until such treatment is first approved by an insurance representative, even if I know that the representative is rewarded financially for denying valid services to me or my family. I will readily and eagerly accept the decisions of the thousands of current 'death panels' used by insurance companies so they can make even bigger profits off of those they victimize.
I, ___________, a conservative who HAS health care insurance and believes in tort reform, hereby pledges to never hold an insurance company liable or to seek justice in a court of law, even if their acts are criminal, deceptive or if their dishonest acts lead to the death of one of my family members.
I, ___________, a conservative who HAS health care insurance, do hereby pledge to not accept medical treatment even if I need life saving emergency treatment if those treatments are not first approved by an insurance bureaucrat. I refuse to admit that insurance companies are already using 'death panels' to kill people for profit.

I, ___________, as a conservative who believes everyone should be independent and that no one ever falls on hard times in their lives, do hereby pledge that if I break any of the pledges above and receive any medical care for me or my family that I will agree to sell my house, use my retirement, sell my automobiles, cash in my children's college funds and use all of my assets to pay every dime of what I owe, even if my family and I are left destitute and homeless. I further pledge to repay every dime I make working at a burger joint or as a greeter at Walmart to first repay my medical bills before buying food or housing for my family. I further pledge to pay any interest rate on any balances due, because I believe corporations and banks should be allowed to charge anything they want, even interest rates of 30, 40 and 50%, rates even the Mafia never charged. I believe in unbridled capitalism and that companies should be allowed to do whatever they want, for I consider capitalism to be my 'god' and CEOs its disciples. I hereby further pledge to praise CEO salaries and bonuses even though I know that for every dollar they make is a dollar that doesn't go to help the sick or dying. And because I was against all minimum wage increases in the past 40 years I further pledge to accept only $1.45 an hour for working at McDonalds or as a Walmart greeter, since it was the minimum wage in February 1970.
I, ___________, as a conservative, hereby pledge to have my parents, or other loved ones, refuse all health care they are currently receiving from any government program, such as Medicare or Medicaid, and I further pledge to pay for all my parent's health bills. And I will further pledge to have my parents move in with me and give them 24 hour care instead of using any government subsidized nursing care or hospice care services, since I know such services are evil since they are 'socialistic' and therefore evil.
I, ___________, as a conservative do hereby pledge I will continue my condemnations of the poor in the Charles Dickens story, "A Christmas Carol", because I know Bob Cratchit's family were lazy deadbeats who could pay for their own health care and gotten help for their son, Tiny Tim, if they wanted to. I believe Tiny Tim should be prevented from getting health care and die, because he is poor.
I, _________, as a conservative believe in individual rights for CEOs and business owners like Ebenezer Scrooge, but not for individual rights to life, liberty or the pursuit of happiness for those who are poor, downtrodden or oppressed. Also, because I believe the poor in the Bible were deadbeats, I will continue to condemn Jesus because he was an evil socialist because he healed the sick for free, he fed the hungry for free and he lifted the spirits of the downtrodden for free. I also condemn the Good Samaritan for not charging to help that poor, beaten man who was left for dead on the side of a lonely road. I believe that the priest and the temple assistant who first found the beaten man and left him for dead without helping him did the right thing and that the Good Samaritan was an evil socialist, because not only did the Good Samaritan help the beaten man, he even gave him money so he could feed and cloth himself.
I, _________, as a conservative further condemn Jesus for always attacking the rich and praising the poor, because I know CEOs and the wealthy are the true children of god because, after all, look at how much 'god' has rewarded them. As a conservative, I believe those on Wall Street deserve to make as much money as possible by using schemes and scams, like hedge fund manager John Paulson, who made 3.7 billion in 2007 alone for betting against homeowners, shareholders and other hard working Americans. As a conservative I believe people like Mr. Paulson should retain their 'right' to make 3.7 billion behind a computer producing nothing for his fellow man or society. As a conservative, I believe Wall Street executives should be paid 105,615 times more than hard working teachers, firefighters, police officers and nurses, even though I know these hard working people actually contribute to society and help their fellow man, while Wall Street executives produce nothing for society. As a conservative, I believe greed is a virtue, while helping others as teachers, police officers and nurses do, are really suckers and losers, because I equate 'success' with a person's ability to make money. I believe those who choose to refuse to help their fellow man, their families and their loved ones so that they can pursue their lust for money are the true followers of my capitalistic god. I know that anyone who is poor is a dead beat, loser, drug addict or illegal alien and therefore they should be used to enrich those who can exploit them for financial gain. As a conservative I know anyone who chooses to sacrifice their lives and their life savings to help a sick family member is to be condemned.
I, _________, as a conservative I also believe Matthew, Mark, Luke and John were dangerous socialistic suckers for believing in Jesus' teachings, since Jesus taught compassion, empathy and love for one's fellow man. I know conservative extremism teaches that the powerful & the rich should have dominion over the wretched poor. The Books of Hannity, Beck and Limbaugh teach me that Jesus should have let the hungry starve, the sick die and the downtrodden suffer in silence so that the rich could profit from their misery. As a conservative I believe my love for my fellow man is proportional to the amount I can victimize them. I believe the 1% of the population should own 95% of the wealth, because they had the sociopathic ability to profit off of the backs of those who actually built our country, like the hardworking poor and slaves.
I, _________, as a conservative now reject Mark, Luke, John & James and hereby embrace my new disciples, Bernie, Mark, Jeffrey and Ken, my new idols and people I believe to be the true disciples of unbridled capitalism & greed. I believe they are the holiest of the holy because, after all, they wouldn't be rewarded with billions of dollars in wealth if they were not blessed by God. I further pledge to put no other gods before me than these holy men of capitalism. I pledge to always follow the teachings of BERNIE (Madoff), MARK (Sanford), JEFFREY (Skilling) & KEN (Lay), the blessed teachers of unrestricted, unregulated capitalism.
I, _________, as a conservative pledge to always trust corporations and corporate leaders because I know profits are more important than human beings. I believe in the 'god of victimization' where those with criminal minds should be rewarded for their ability to devise scams, schemes & systems to victimize others. I especially love the passage in the conservative bible, "Bernie 12:4:23" where he proclaims, "And the rich & powerful shall rule over the masses, and profits over people is a divine right from 'God'. I also love the quote in the conservative bible, "Jeffrey 14:21:6" where he states, "Deregulation is godly because it allows sociopathic businessmen, like myself, to victimize the vulnerable without restraint or conscience ".
I, _________, as a conservative pledge to always follow in the inflammatory, hateful, racist and repulsive teachings of right wing radio. I believe in the Conservative Book of Limbaugh, where in "Rush 10:16:4" he proclaims "Chickenhawks are blessed, for they support war, destruction and killing, while never subjecting themselves to the dangers of participating in their country's battles". And I believe in the Book of Hannity, where he states, "Blessed are the rich who make billions off of the blood of our soldiers who die in battles in wars started by lies". And I also believe in the Book of Beck, where he states "Soldiers shall be used as a low-paid mercenary force to protect the financial interests of capitalist corporations who steal hundreds of billions from the government's treasury".
I, _________, as a conservative who always trusts the government to start wars, trusts government to bomb people, trusts government to spy on people, trusts government to incarcerate people without charges, trusts government to torture people, trusts government to arrest people without warrants and trusts government to use secret wiretaps on people, do hereby pledge to continue to distrust government to help heal sick and dying Americans. I fear government intrusion into my life, but I cheer on corporate intrusions into my privacy, my livelihood, and my life. I fear any government attempt to heal people, yet trust government to kill, maim, torture, arrest, incarcerate and execute people.
I, ________, as a conservative, make these pledges in the name of the 'god of unbridled, unregulated capitalism' and in the names of its disciples, Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity and Glenn Beck. As a conservative extremist, I pledge to always let irrational hate, racism, ignorance, anger and rage guide my every thought and action. Amen and amen.
© Larry Rolirad November 4th 2009
lrolirad at

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