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The International Writers Magazine: Our Science Pages

How to Construct a Climate Change Simulator
• Mark Pierro
Planet Earth Dynamics

As usual there seems to be an awful lot of hullabaloo about climate change. One focal point of concern is the models used to attempt to simulate climate change and its effects across Chalfont-Saint-Peter, Berkshire,
Weston-Super-Mare and other parts of the planet.

Punch Bowl

Typically the methods used involve very large computers collecting data from all over the place like Teddington Lock, Runnymede, Watford Gap Service Station and other places of importance.

Sceptics point out that these are merely computer simulations and therefore any results that they come up with are a pile of dog tish. I am inclined to agree because I find computers impossible to understand. I mean I have tried on numerous occasions to download a bottle of Chablis from the 'Claridges' website using an iPad and it always fails! It's a disgrace!

So to shut everyone up on this matter I have constructed my own climate change simulator. It is so easy to build that anybody can do it. With enough data collected around the world with these simulators I am confident that together we can create a perfect simulator of the Earth's Climate. This one is going to be a real winner.

So this is how you go about building a Ware-Armitage climate simulator. This is what you will need;

1) Obviously the first thing you will need is something to represent planet Earth. For this I used a very large glass bowl. Any large glass bowl will do as long as it is clean and shiny. Place your "Planet Earth" somewhere stable that doesn't move around too much. I used my large garden table, whilst I was hosting a very nice garden party on the estate yesterday afternoon.

2) The next thing you will need is something to represent the oceans. A light clear liquid is best here so I recommend three or four bottles of gin. Pour these into your "Planet Earth."

3) Now this is an important point that I feel many climate change simulators ignore and that is that the oceans are not pure water! Yes this is very true don-cha-know, sea water is very salty. So you need to add a contaminant. I recommend Tonic Water. Add one or two bottles to your "Planet."

4) The next thing you will need is something to represent the Seven incontinents. This is a bit of a tricky one but I used a large lemon cut into seven slices. Obviously the smallest slice represents the incontinent of Europe. Add these 'incontinents' to your bowl or 'planet.'

5) Then you will need a little something to represent the North and South Pole. For this I used ice cubes from the freezer. Lots of em.

6) Finally you will need something to represent all the world's ocean traffic; battleships, battlecruisers, Dreadnoughts, destroyers and all that sort of thing. For this add an inert material that is very small but also highly visible. I used half a dozen olives.

Once this is all done leave to stand for twenty minutes. In that time I went and socialised with my guests, boasting about clever I am. If you don't have any guests then you can always watch some cricket or put some trousers on. Anyway, after twenty minutes I left the party guests and returned to my "planet Earth" to see the results:

My Conclusions:
Well I was horrified! I returned to my "planet" only to find that the Earth's Oceans had completely gone! This can only mean one thing, that they are going to evaporate! Also the seven incontinents had flies sitting on em, this indicates pestilence for mankind!

Also noticed was the bowl had tipped slightly to one side. This was obviously a consequence of the oceans evaporating and tipping Earth over on its axis! I repeated this test three times at this garden party and the results were always the same; complete evaporation! The effect was so convincing that the some of the guests passed out of the lawn, while others went into a state of nervous laughter and giggles, while a few of them engaged in sexual intercourse behind the stables as clearly all hope for humanity having disappeared, compelled them to release their frustrations with each other.

© Mark Pierro September 2014

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