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Getting a new perpective on life at 46

Sara Towe I asked myself this question and had to face the answer...
Did I like the answer? No

I have recently come to a crossroads in my life. The direction that I have taken is very different to what I expected. I am a middle-aged woman with dreams gone by, or so I thought.
Way back, when I was a wacky young creature with a free spirited and passionate about life I was always full of fun, seeking adventures. Perhaps I was a victim of too many expectations. I was always asked, ‘when will you settle down girl’ or’ when will you get a real job?’

Sometimes we live life by those expectations, and don't trust in our own instincts to just be. . . Your parents lived life that way, so why not you? But were they happy? People expect us to be something they believe to be normal. Their expectations came from their parents and so on, and society dictates the same.

‘Why can't we all get along?’ We have heard or said this so many times before, but do we answer it? Most of the time we are to scared to. We are afraid that we may not like the answer or that we might have to do something about it. I asked myself this question recently, and had to face the answer head on. Did I like the answer? No. But I faced it and I have answered it back, and I am so glad I did.

I had to come to the realisation that I lived for and through other people lives. I think I am a very caring person with a lot of understanding of others feelings. I embrace others pain and try to make it better. I empathise for them, but sometimes I am incapable of feeling for myself.
Is it that I am afraid? Or that I don't trust any one to let them in? Yes to both. I have learned that if you tell some people your true feelings, they will hurt you with it.
On my journey to a better life, I have come across a program called ‘True Colours’. These are your personality colors represented by four different colors. Gold, blue, orange and green. These colors each represent personality traits, and in understanding these colors I have opened my awareness to others and myself.

We are not all made the same, nor do we feel, think, or do the same. This is why we clash with life, because we expect other people to be as we are. Shock time guys. Our differences are what make us unique. This is what attracts others to us.

We know that trying to be the same just does not work, and that true personalities will always stand out no matter what. So why can't we accept that and embrace our differences, instead of fearing them.This subject has completely opened my eyes to myself, and where I had been going wrong. I felt that I had to apologize to everyone for myself. I thought that I was being judged, whereas I was the judge and jury. I was living for others expectations, not my own.

Now is very different. I am inspired and can feel my wings flapping and raring to go. I am starting a new business, a new life, and I have new expectations. My own. I have never felt so confident or courageous before. I have travelled to twenty-two countries and lived in four of them, finding time to have three children on the way. Now is the time that I really am beginning to feel life, trust in what it has to give, and embrace it's wonders without fear.

Turning 46 is no time to start settling down. I have had my 3 wonderful children and I am very proud of who they are and my part in it. Now is the time for me. Time to be just a little bit wacky again. To trust in myself, and not to be overly critical of myself or others. We are at a place in time for a reason. Trusting in a higher power and letting your life just ‘be’ is hard for some. But I do believe our actions and reactions are our choice. We can accept responsibility for are actions and focus on optimism, it is all up to us and our attitude.

I will be a success. I say it with pride not vanity, because I am working towards it. I am believing in myself and others and in life. I have not launched my business yet, but I already have customers in the wings waiting.

We only live but once and life events really do go in cycles. So never curl up and say that it's all over, do something to bring on the next cycle. Be proactive. We are privileged to be alive, . Ask not ‘Why me, ’ go ahead and explore life. The key is to believe in something, and yourself.
I am not over the hill. ‘I am woman, hear me roar.’
My life's experiences are my skills. My pains are my journey to understanding. My fear is my empowerment; my courage is my ammunition. I will not only survive, but I will truly live.

We must place value on our selves and what we can contribute to life, not on sex or numbers. If you choose to be old before your time, maybe that is your comfort zone. But ask yourself one question. ‘Would you prefer a different life?’ If you answer "yes" then do something how ever small, to change it. Life is forever changing, don't get left behind.
I wish you love courage and strength for your journey.

Sara Towe
© Sara Towe 2001
You can visit Sara's new website right now -

Shedding of the winter skin.
Sara Towe escapes to the sun

So off we went, all aware of this last trip and that we do not spend a lot of time together as a family anymore.

Sara Towe

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In Memory of a Father

This was Sara's first piece for Hackwriters. She is mother of three living in Vancouver, BC and mother of Tabityha Towe who has a regular diary column on the site.

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