The International Writers
Reality Check USA
I should be a Juror
following was presented to the Passaic County Courthouse on 3/27/07
in care of the honorable Assignment Judge Robert. J. Passero.
Unfortunately or fortunately the author did not stick around long
enough to experience the privilege of serving as a juror. He was
dismissed for being a freelance journalist.
In accordance with my citizen's duty, I am obliged to show up today raring
to judge. Lucky for you and the great state of New Jersey, judging others
is one of my strongest attributes. I have taken the art beyond mere hobby.
To judge, for me, is a way of life. And, be assured, I do not take lightly
the right to join a congress of my peers to cast aspersion on another
in legal and binding terms. On the contrary, I am deadly serious about
the opportunity to stand between someone's freedom and incarceration,
pay-off or rip-off, fractured contractual agreements and daily mishap.
If I may be so bold, I say Yee-Ha!
I have also accepted that we now live in a police state,
and to stand against the jack-boot mentality would only alert the authorities
to my otherwise radical subculture lifestyle, and this will not stand.
Not with summer coming and my thirst for questionable activities gaining
sickening momentum in my heart. If nothing else, for the sake of propriety
and subterfuge, I shall act attentively prosaic and do my part.
Last, but certainly not least, I thought, being straddled
with this damnable writer tag, it is also my duty to express some of my
personal feelings about this whole "standing in judgment" thing.
First off I think the Biblical axiom attributed to Jesus
about "not judging, lest ye be judged" is silly. This is a scurrilous
misquote, among a glaring host in the thing. Jesus was a big-time judger.
He judged the sick and the lame, the criminal element, and the overall
loons of his society as enviable reflections of a flawed Godhead. He also
made it his business to judge religious folk as hypocritical vipers damned
to a soulless eternity of blackness. Far be it for some twenty-first century
middle-class jackass like me to argue with that kind of beautiful craziness.
So count me in.
Secondly, I am well acquainted with guilt. As Master George
Carlin once said, "I don't need to see any evidence, I can pick out
the guilty right off." I'm guilty. You're guilty. Who isn't? No one
is purely innocent. The whole system is out of order. We can't handle
the truth. All of that. I feel guilty for even writing this. I'm sorry.
I take it back. I feel better now. You see? Guilt is good.
Finally, if you must know, I think the law is more or less
a nifty concept, when and if it applies to my general philosophy. In the
interest of full disclosure, let me list some of the prime examples for
1. I will never have
a hand in convicting anyone of strictly a drug-related crime. I do not
believe drugs, any drugs, or in the case of this country, certain recreational
drugs, should be illegal. To qualify my meaning of "strictly"
-- the possession of or selling of said drugs. If a person goes mental
on drugs and stabs his grandmother or steals my car to pay for a drug
habit, then all bets are off. I do not see these infractions as "drug-related",
however. They are related to the acts of stupid fuck-ups. Stupid fuck-ups
come in all shapes and sizes, whether on drugs or booze or caffeine or
dumbstruck by any other vice. I read somewhere some dipshit went ballistic
after seeing a Disney film and shot a grocer. Should we then ban Goofy?
I think not. It is our character, not our use of narcotics that makes
2. I'm a big fan of
the death penalty for rapists. The type of rape matters not. Rape equals
death. I also think the victim should get to perform the execution, and
not some pussy lethal injection either. Chain the fuckers up and let the
woman have at it with the medieval weapon of her choice, a mace, spear,
sword, or whatever the big log with the spike in it is called. Also, women
rapists don't count. Men expend countless amounts of energy fantasizing
about being raped by a woman, any woman. Believe it. And no sexy teacher
seducing a teenaged boy is going to jail on my watch either. I just would
like to know where these teachers were when I was breaking the world record
for jacking off.
3. The penalty for any questionable business
practice, whether ripping off the government, illegally dumping toxic
waste, corporate tax shelters, bait-and-switch, outright lying, surreptitious
sub-contracting, insider bribes, identity theft, conning the elderly,
or shitty customer service should be punishable by rank. In other words,
find the CEO or president of the company or proprietor of the concern
and castrate him, or remove the uterus if it happens to be a woman. These
people cannot be allowed to produce offspring. And please, mother of God,
let me sit on that jury.
4. Crooked politicians should be taken to
the state capital and exposed in stocks. In addition, each taxpaying citizen
of the county/state/township gets to come down and throw one piece of
rotten fruit at them. If it is a servant of the federal government, the
accused is to be shackled to the Capital rotunda and all tourists (they
must be American citizens) get to kick them in the ass for one month.
5. All celebrities breaking the law, with
the notable exception of substance abuse, should be deported. Just kick
them the hell out of the country for life.
6. Any persons torturing animals must be
sentenced to listening to my wife scream in their faces until they become
unconscious, and then taken to live in a dog kennel for no shorter than
one calendar year.
7. Since your courthouse stands in downtown
Paterson, home of an alarming number of 9/11 hijackers, I would be remiss
in not mentioning terrorists. I believe anyone caught in the act of terrorism
should be executed on the spot. If they are Muslim, shoot them with bullets
dipped in pigs' blood, like Patton. This way they are defiled and cannot
go to heaven with all the virgins.
I appreciate your time and consideration and want to thank you for allowing
me the opportunity to make public my hopes and dreams for a stronger and
more God-fearing democracy. The court system is the backbone of our society
and it is only as good as those who sit in the jurors' box. I only hope,
nay, pray that more people think as I do with the same awe and fervor
for our great institution of law.
Yours in litigation,
Have you seen the new ad for the Armed
Forces? The Columbia Broadcast System has been running it incessantly
during the NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament. Prime audience. Good demographic.
Victims and Vengence
The Sad Spectacle of a Radio Has-Been
and Student Athletes
Condescending. Patronizing. Exploitive. Hypocritical.
Disingenuous. All the
words that make this supposed democratic society of equals so pathetic.
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