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The International Writers Magazine: Theories

Practical Applications of the General Theory of Non-Existence
David Swykert
I have long believed I do not exist. The future has yet to exist, the past no longer exists.


 Existence is the place between the two, where the future begins and the past departs, a continuous wave, blending along a constant line, one into the other. There isn't a break in the wave numerically measurable, therefore must be expressed as zero. Thus I have concluded: Existence equals the Future divided into Zero minus the Past, E= F/0-P. I am not here.
I have found many useful applications for not existing. In particular, as it concerns my relationship with Marilee.  Most behaviors are controlled by penalty, risk vs. reward. Since I have decided I do not exist, there is no penalty, or control, over my behaviors concerning Marilee, the love of my non-existent life.
I have been in love with Marilee since high school, but in her eyes, I have never existed. I was as absent in her world as existence was in mine. I saw her as a goddess, golden and sublime. She saw me as nothing. This was very disconcerting before I discovered the formula, developed the General Theory of Non-Existence. Now I am free, no longer a captive of the world of order. I am as random and chaotic as the universe I don't exist in.
Marilee and I used to talk a lot, and I have fond memories of those conversations. “Marilee, would you go to the prom with me?''
              Sometimes she was a little negative. But that never discouraged me, and we continued to talk, “Go to the show?''
              “For a coke?''
In my world of non-existence it really didn't matter if she accepted or not. It was simply talking that was important, keeping our line of communication open.   “Skating?''
              “Horseback riding?''
              “Is there something you don't understand about the word no, Stanley.''
There was nothing I didn't understand about the word. It’s a negative word, mathematically equivalent to zero, and perfectly compatible with the Theory of Non-Existence. I really enjoyed our conversations. The soft tones of her voice were like music, the eye contact intense; her glare riveting. These were the moments I lived for. But that was high school, now we are grown up. Our relationship has matured to the point she no longer finds it necessary to speak to me at all. 
            “Marilee, will you go out with me?''
              “I love you.''
              “Will you marry me?''
I wasn't depressed by our lack of verbal communication; our relationship was on a higher level, a telepathic fusion of heart and mind. She really saw me, and with her head held high, nose in the air, would walk on by. But it was enough she was aware, and with the theory it wasn't necessary for her to acknowledge me. This was the blissful state of our relationship, and was content with our non-existence, until she married Bret.
Marilee's marriage to Bret caused me to slip into self-imposed purgatory. There was no escape by applying the Theory; I couldn't ignore the idea I had been jilted for another. The theory was incomplete; it needed more practical applications. It was at this point that I developed the Practical Applications of the General Theory of Non-Existence, or as I prefer to call it: The Nothing Matters Application.
I moved into an apartment across the alley from Marilee and Bret. I was two stories above them and could look down through my telescope right into their bedroom. I spent many hours watching their lovemaking, peering through my telescope in non-existence, fully aware of nothing matters. I also purchased a listening cone from the neighborhood Spy on Your Neighbor store that enabled me to become almost a partner in their conversations. It was good hearing her voice again. I also bought a high powered rifle with a scope.
For me the theory worked, but proving a theory requires experimentation. I loaded the rifle and set out to test the theorem. I went to the park and shot a pigeon. Sure enough, as I held the bird in my hand, eyes absent of relativity, the pigeon no longer existed. I had created non-existence, it didn't matter, and I had proved it.
              “Hey, why’d you shoot that pigeon?'' I heard from a nearby bench. She had short bleached hair and blue lipstick on a perfectly round mouth, and a tattoo of a hawk on her shoulder.
            I walked over and sat next to her. Her eyes were blue, matching the lipstick and tattoo, and a silver pin pierced the skin next to her eye. “Creating non-existence.''
              “Then how about you disappear,'' she said.
              “I don’t exist,” I answered, and explained the formula.
              “Then you won't mind if I take your wallet,'' she said.

I immediately realized she understood the practical applications of nothing mattered. I handed her my wallet. She took the money out of the wallet and handed it back. “Maybe you’re onto something, do you know anybody else who doesn't exist?''
              I noticed she had put the money in her purse and got up to leave. “Can we talk?''
              “You’re not here.''
I bought a bottle of muscatel and went back to my apartment. I looked up at the sky through my telescope. I thought about everything: space, stars, black holes, quasars, lasers, and quarks. If I don't exist, and I can create non-existence, and nothings matters, then what further applications could there be for my theory? 
Sometimes reason comes by the way of coincidence. I sold the telescope and the eavesdropping equipment and enrolled in college. I wanted to expand my knowledge of the theory, particularly the physics of it. I graduated with a degree in Chaos Theory.
Now I design nuclear weapons for the government. I also published the theory. It caused a lot of controversy among scientists. But the practical applications of “Nothing Matters” found acceptance around the world; particularly among generals, politicians, and CEOs.
© David Swykert October 2010
djswykert at

Bio: I am a former 911 operator living in northern Kentucky. My poetry and short fiction has appeared in literary journals and magazines from the Alpha Beat Press to ZZZ. A novel I wrote in 2000, The Place Between, and compared the writing to Eudora Welty. It later won a competition in Los Angeles sponsored by Nancy Ellis-Bell with the The LitWest Group. On a scale of one to five, Writer’s Digest scored the characterization a five.  The Place Between carries a very good ranking on Amazon Kindle considering it is a small press publication. The story is currently under a royalty contract with ienovel and sold on book websites worldwide.

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