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The International Writers Magazine: New Yorker Comment

Deport Everyone
• Dean Borok
It’s bad enough that people don’t have any culture, they’re also prudes. The White House was forced to respond to an online petition of 300,000 signatures insisting that Justin Bieber relinquish his green card and submit to deportation to Canada. His offense? Smoking reefer and reckless driving.


If they’re going to deport people for driving offenses, that’s going to have to include everybody. People scream about lax firearms regulations, but nobody wants to address the much larger issue of issuing driver’s licenses to a vast population of imbecilic clods after just a few hours of driving school. The car companies need more crash test dummies to buy those heap vehicles they persist in producing (GM recently fired a whole slew of executives and recalled 6 million cars).

If you think about it, a guy has to go to school for weeks and months to get certified for heavy equipment, but only six hours to be able to operate an equally heavy car on a public thoroughfare, where there are women pushing baby carriages. Heck, they don’t even stay on the street with those monster leviathans. A week doesn’t go by in New York without some cab driver’s turban falling down over his eyes, and he runs onto the sidewalk and amputates a lady’s leg. Motorists drive right through walls and kill people sleeping in their beds, as happened in LA this week. Everybody makes jokes about cows and monkeys running berserk in India, but nobody confronts the stampeding sacred cash cows of the automotive industry.

If you want to deport Canadians for smoking weed, you’ll have to send home every single adult and child, right up to the notorious Mayor Ford of Toronto and the Liberal opposition leader, political rivals on every subject, but who converge on one issue – Canada has got the best drugs. Quite apart from the fecund marijuana plantations of the Kootenay Valley, the Port of Montreal welcomes massive shipments of gooey, runny, drippy hemp resin from exotic ports of call as diverse as Nepal and Morocco which, combined with cold, refreshing lager, sedate the citizenry from pouring onto the streets and engaging in hockey riots.

I don’t know nothing about Justin Bieber. I’ve never even heard one of his songs, but I know that the people who hate him are worse than he is. It’s the worst kind of middle class snobbism, people who watch endless reruns of “The Brady Bunch” finally finding somebody to look down on. Look, the kids today did not create the present liquidation of culture. Who invented Hip Hop, where you don’t have to play an instrument and you don’t have to sing either? Heck, you don’t even need to hold your pants up! Nobody has got time to learn a musical instrument anymore, or even sing. “I don’t got time to learn no freakin guitar, I needs to get paid right now!”

Miley At least Miley Cyrus can sing a little bit, apparently. She and Lindsay Lohan are graduates of the Disney hit factory school of antiseptic packaging, and look how that turned out. What would you expect? These kids are all hormone cases. I know I was at that age. Sex, drugs and rock n’ roll, you remember where that came from? The difference is that back in those days we had cool music and fashions, and jobs that we could complain about.

These kids today are redundant and they know it, and the only people they have to tear down are baby boomers, who are about as benign an older generation as you could hope for, especially considering the big hard-on pricks of previous generations, who were hellbent on self-destruction and determined to lock up anybody who complained.

I got a comedy act which derives from Lenny Bruce and Richard Pryor, and is worse than anything that Miley Cyrus could ever hope to conceive, which you can view by going to my web site at Like, I do a portrayal of Mel Gibson receiving gay sex from a rabbi, which has not endeared me to either Nazis or rabbis. It’s easy to understand why I have not become a showbusiness icon like Seinfeld. But I find it hard to comprehend the hostility directed toward Miley Cyrus and her twerking act, which is merely simulated sex with a microphone and some props onstage. Big Deal! Nevertheless, the hue and cry directed at condemning her is just incessant, and it is not good-natured. Now, with the economy irreparably fractured, airliners disappearing, giant ferries being swallowed up by whirlpools and all the nations of the world literally at each other’s throats, people are seeking refuge of obsolete, old-time virtues of blue collar respectability, where even past transgressors like Madonna and Wendy Williams are promoting standards of correct behavior. Who is buying into that stale shit? Commenting on Miley Cyrus having to cancel her concert tour due to an as yet unspecified malady, Williams remarked, “Maybe she should keep her tongue in her mouth”. Williams who unleashes an interminable torrent of destructive gossip and idiotic common sense to an audience of daffy women, is becoming more robust and matronly by the day, and prefers guests on her show who are just as comfortable and bosomy as she is.

Moralism never solved anything, particularly when a good joke will do the job better, but that died when Jay Leno retired. Now we got Jon Stewart preaching at us (haven’t we had enough of the fake news format, already? Apparently not. HBO is debuting yet another one this week) and the Adam Sandler school of comedy, which is equivalent to watching an 8-hour experimental movie about Mount Rushmore.

I’m going to go out on a limb here and state my opinion that the best working comedian we have in this country today is the President, Barack Obama, who knows how to turn a joke to his advantage, as he recently did by openly mocking Russian President Vladimir Putin to an international meeting of heads of state, characterizing him as the sullen, dopey misfit sitting in back row of the classroom. That’s pure Leno. Obama picked up his comedy technique on the streets of Chicago and, believe me, there is no finer school. He has the capability to reduce the dour, plodding Putin to ground grits. Russia might be endowed with a capable military, but The Wall Street Journal did the maths and pointed out that the combined GDP of the US and the EU is at $27 trillion with Russia’s at $2 trillion, less than France and with vastly longer borders to defend. Watching Russia unravel should be a Really Dynamite Show!

© Dean Borok April 23rd 2014

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