The International Writers Magazine: New York Opinion

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Gods of Garbage • Dean Borok NY City Council members are spending thousands of dollars to buy new garbage cans bearing their names – NY Sun.

Back in the halcyon eons of ages past illustrious nobility could achieve immortality by declaring themselves to be descended from the celestial deities and having temples and holy orders consecrated in their honor.  Throughout the ages kings and emperors embossed their likenesses upon grand erections like the pyramids and the Taj Mahal to proclaim their passing through this mortal coil, thereby reminding future generations of their eternal greatness.
 
But nothing surpasses the modern age for scientific genius in mankind’s quest to achieve godhead through technological innovation like that truly magnificent tribute to human civilization, the New York City Garbage Can.
 
In a truly heroic attempt to transcend the boundaries of mere human existence and achieve the status of Olympian immortality, certain New York dignitaries are consecrating important sums of money to having their names affixed to that most ubiquitous of containers in the hope of increasing their fame and enhancing their prestige, as well they should!  It was only a matter of time until we as a nation of high-class status seekers turned our attention to designer garbage.  What stylish New Yorker wants to be seen depositing his dog waste or leftover fish heads in a greasy, common trash receptacle?  Are we not the Imperial Masters Of The Universe?  That is why branded garbage has finally emerged as the centerpiece of our civilization.
 
The only people who up to now have appreciated the value of garbage have been the Italians, who have jumped into it with both Gucci-clad feet.  The illustrious Italian composer Fettucine even wrote an opera called “Te Amo Come Una Spazzatura”, about two garbage men who kill each other over a collection route in Patterson NJ.  But now, as garbage becomes a vogue, everybody wants to get into the act.
 
As it stands right now the field of garbage promotion has largely been confined to municipal political leaders, but the time is coming when celebrities and philanthropists, faces beaming at the side of startling and breathtaking new receptacles of every shape and description, will be repeating the immortal words engraved on the Statue of Liberty, “”Send me your trash, your stinking rubbish.”  And Americans of every shape and description will rise to the occasion like a crusade.  “Yes!” they will shout, “I want to deposit my used Kitty Litter in Regis Philbin’s mouth!”
 
Just as consumers proudly vaunt their iPhones and Jimmy Choo pumps, so one day will they seek to establish their elevated level of discernment by their choice of rubbish bins.  “I only throw my vacuum cleaner bags in Donald Trump, and my chicken bones in Al Sharpton,” will they proudly announce?
 
But why should this mania for bonding and prestige be confined to the area of household wastes?  What about T urinals displaying the images of other stalwarts of the National Republican Party, like Giuliani or even George W. Bush himself?  Just as the citizens of ancient Athens used to elect their leaders by casting colored stones into a basket will we someday vote for our elected officials by taking a leak in the urinal of our choice!  Cosmetics companies will vie for the top position in the garbage sweepstakes by inventing fragrances with names like “Saturday Night Vomit” and “Stinky Red Sox.”
 
But as the competitive pressure for larger and more grandiose monuments has come to more and more consume the competitive nature of the great leaders of history, so will our rulers strive to eclipse each other by greater and greater displays of magnificence.  No longer content to adorn garbage cans, they will seek to project their fame from the sides of garbage trucks and even East River barges transporting industrial waste to sewage treatment facilities.  For our richest, most prestigious leaders even that display of vanity won’t be enough, as they seek to excel each other in displays of extravagence, until one day you will able to take your family and spend the day smelling the garbage and admiring the scurrying rats, roaches and flies as you stroll through Staten Island’s newly renovated Michael J. Bloomberg National Garbage Preserve!  Hallelujah!

© Dean Borok
deanyorkave@yahoo.com
www.200motels.net

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