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••• The International Writers Magazine:Reality Check USA + Readers Responses

Next Up - Oust Christie
• James Campion
Freeing the Garden State of Assholes since November, 2016

Feeling good. - Still high on our rousing victory over the scum that is Scott Garrett. That’s right, Garrett, you’ve got a few more weeks to bring the full force of the United States Congress down on me, then it’s off to the funny farm to protest stuff you’re afraid of or make a boatload lobbying for economic national socialism.


So we now turn our attention to our governor, Mista Christie, who has been more or less a political dead man now for months. We began to smell the familiar stank of decay on him around February when he dropped his charade of becoming president and became Citizen Trump’s bellhop. Turns out standing behind a candidate trying to appear relevant during campaign rallies netted him a whole lot of nothing, as he was summarily dropped from the fancy transition team minutes after the president-elect’s stunning upset victory on November 8, and has now been tossed from the shortlist of boot-lickers the new administration has lined up to duly ignore or explain or no-doubt apologize for what is sure to be high and wild times on Pennsylvania Avenue over the next four years.
I just want to point out that this is the Trump Administration that Chrisitie cannot get a sniff in. “Apes Tossing Feces at Each Other” is the employable motto over there. Pretty much anyone who supported Trump and can suck air for five minutes without keeling over and can kind of put two sentences together with verbs and stuff is being given prime gigs. Shit, Trump’s Atlantic City pit-boss will be heading the Department of the Interior. Pretty soon Sarah Palin, whose IQ is a tick north of 70, will probably be running something important. The guy in charge of National Security thinks the religion of Islam is a front for terrorism while a rabid anti-Zionist is pulling the strings. And I’m sure I have the wording wrong, but I think Dr. Ben Carson is in charge of the Department of Jesus or something or other. But Chris Christie? He’s out.
     This is akin to having Motley Crue kick you off the tour for being “a little drug-happy”.
     It’s bad is what I am saying.
     This is not surprising, since the governor of New Jersey has now set a record-low in approval ratings. We’re now at 19 percent, folks; the most pathetic in two decades around here. If this was a normal state run with a history of somewhat competent civil servants you’d likely have to reach back a century or so for that kind of futility. But this is New Jersey. Usually, if you can spell cat after being spotted the “C” and the “T” and stay out of jail, you can get 40 percent. Our bar is low and we expect lunacy. Of course, Christie can always say he’s no worse off than Sam Brownback, who has turned Kansas into the Hunger Games without the attractive young people.
     Bad is my point here.
     The latest Quinnipiac poll, which is mostly a Republican bitch, stated in its summation that “Everyone hates Chris Christie.” This is a direct quote. That is not opinion; it is what the data tells them. Water boils at 212 degrees, a whale is a mammal, and Chris Christie sucks ass. According to a parsing of the raw statistics, every possible group despises the man.
     In a strangely Darwinian way, Mista Christie has managed to become the most non-partisan of concepts. He has brought the state together like nothing else could. He is indeed a “uniter”. We all think he is very, very bad.
     This, however, in political parlance, makes him toast.
     Now we begin to see if we can get him to quit. This is our goal here.
     Then we can get around to legalizing pot, reverse this onerous gas tax, and stop bear hunts. Get this state rolling, jack.     
     I am appalled that only 4,200 or so people have signed Petition 3908 thus far. It is a memo to congress to send Christie out on a rail. I have mostly ignored it, because petitions to congress are stupid, but also because the Tar & Feathering rider has been summarily removed. Hell, I figure with Trump in charge we can bring back some of the things that truly made this country great. Like rolling fat useless government slags in scolding tar and heave large pillows of feathers over them while children sing “God Bless America” and we fire canons at the Irish.
     But I digress.
     Chris Christie is a horror show and he must go and he will go, it is merely a matter of time, but humiliation must also be part of the procedure. This is why despite my repeated calls to Trump Tower to beg the Human Grenade to give Christie some kind of job just to get him out of here; valet, new pit boss in Atlantic City, or throw him a spade and have him break ground on the already paid-for Mexican wall; I have decided the best thing is threat of incarceration. I have it on good authority that he cannot merely be shamed from office. Although, to be fair, I did not need iron-clad sources on this; have you seen what this guy looks like? He goes out looking like that and actually appears on TV. What could you possibly do that would shame the man?
     For this project I will employ my new buddy, Congressman Josh Gottheimer. He owes me big time. It is not every century a Democrat runs my district, and it isn’t every political season that a loon like yours truly gets to lean on a congressman for pay-backs.
     First Garrett, now Christie.
     Last chance to drag New Jersey in the twenty-first century.


Mr. Campion,

If ever in this time of bizarre and idiotic, criminal and blatantly megalomaniacal candidates for president a voice like this is needed it is now! (Scott Garrett Needs An Ass Kicking – Issue: 10/26/16) I applaud your nerve and verve and all those things in taking on your local congressman, regardless of political affiliation or ideology. It is time citizens stand up to bully assholes like Donald Trump or lifers like Hillary Clinton. I think this campaign season is so depressing. I have no interest in either of these national candidates. They both suck and everyone seems to hate them and to read about something else, something more grassroots and with such passion and humor was a godsend. I think you are the best commentator of politics out there. I want you to be on one of these asinine TV talk shows or on the radio to teach them all a lesson, but that would lower your worth. Keep independent! Keep blogging and column writing and all those things from the outside. We need you now more than ever.

     Again, I say, bravo!

Adam Natera

Reporting you to the NJ State Police for your violent threats and vandalism. You should be in jail

Gerhard Jelinek

I thought this was a complete joke until I read something on Politico about two days after it hit the newsstands and apparently you MEANT IT! I love this! What balls! Where can I sign up to watch this fight? Garrett is a total dweeb and of course a racist and anti-gay, anti-woman, anti-first-responders (That’s right, this guy voted time and again, even when shamed on national television, against providing extended health coverage to first responders of 9/11! Never mind an ass kicking, he needs to go to hell!)

     I think more journalists or whatever you call yourself should get into the fray like this. Enough standing on the lines reporting as if none of this actually matters. We’re soon going to be faced with a Hillary Clinton or for the Christ’s sake, Donald fucking Trump as president! When are people going to wise up and stop bashing the press and demand a more forceful, honest and ballsy press!

    I say start with James Campion!!


When I read that Garrett voted against first responders getting treatment for cancer I wanted to kick his ass too. Good for you.


If that Politico piece is correct and this man removed his name from a caucus because it had a gay member, what else can you call him but a bigot? Glad someone had the guts to finally put this in print and make him defend it.

Humpta D.

What the hell is the matter with you? Who writes this and publishes it?? The Aquarian Weekly should be ashamed. I cannot believe anyone would seriously think these things, much less write them. You are a despicable human being and I think should never be allowed to express an opinion again. It is foul language and bully tactics like this that allows a shameful celebrity idiot like Donald Trump to besmirch a campaign for president. I rue the day we are forced to live in the filth and listen to morons like you and that orange-haired monkey jack ass like Trump to tweet their hatred and vitriol.

     I feel terribly for Scott Garrett and his family that they have to put up with this nonsense. Why would anyone want to serve in office with mean-spirited commentators like you around? 

Beverly Hufft

A Most Splendid and Succinct rebuttal to an otherwise idiotic, shameless, ignorant "crybaby" hiding under the guise of an adult! (SCOTT GARRETT’S INTIMIDATION MACHINE VERSUS ME – Issue: 11/2/16)

     Well done, my son.  



This is hilarious, Campion! You now have the national press and the cops and a congressman after you! A triumph in media mogul-ism! Are people now just totally off the wagon on what is real or not? Has this fantasy-land that the national presidential campaign wrought with its allegations and accusations and mud-slinging and almost everything Trump says or tweets being out-and-out fabrications dumbed us to the point where a congressman’s campaign has taken satirical commentary and blown it up into an actual threat?

    What a country! I say! What a country!

A Molano

Can I be your corner man?


Vincent Czyz

So let me get this straight: a congressman of the United States is using the local police to intimidate a weekly columnist for a rock and roll paper and now it is affecting a local election? We are now through a looking glass that no one has stepped through EVER.

     Thank you for leading us through it, Alice. You are a nut, but a welcomed one.


(not that one)

My entire life I have wanted to do what you are doing. I am proud to read this column every week and receive a catharsis from what is happening in the main stream media. How they allow Hillary Clinton to go months without a press conference or Trump to continue to say things like crime is up in New York (it is down) there are millions crossing the border (border security has never been tighter nor has there been more illegal aliens deported than the present) or say that a national election is rigged is an abomination. I only wish that this local campaign in which you have thrown yourself in is an example to all those that to allow villains like Garrett to continue to mar our great nation and these abysmal candidates for president continue to make a mockery of democracy.


Laura TT  

You are an asshole. But you are one funny asshole, so that’s okay. And let’s face it, you are fucking this whole congressional election season up, so I have to say, mission accomplished.

© James Campion Jan 2017
Do yourself no favors and “like” this idiot at

James Campion is the author of “Deep Tank Jersey”, “Fear No Art”, “Trailing Jesus, "Midnight For Cinderella" and “Y”. and his new book, Shout It Out Loud – The Story of KISS’s Destroyer and the Making of an American Icon.

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