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The International Writers Magazine - Our Tenth Year: Life Now

The Peter Pan Wannabe
My So Called Life
Rosanne Stewart

I wish tomorrow wouldn't come. I just need today to last that little bit longer because today is just about right. Tomorrow is dripping with negative connotations, that unnerve me and make me squirm uncomfortably in my seat. Tomorrow there are places to be, people to see... Today I'm living life inside a snug bubble.

Maybe we should all stop watching the news. You're always bought down a notch or two after watching a stern-faced Fiona Bruce telling you yet, another teenager has been brutally stabbed outside a nightclub in London, or house prices have plummeted, yet again. It ruins my carefully crafted cup of tea.

I don't think I can pinpoint the exact moment that I lost my passion for life; it's a shame because I'm aware I'm only an inexperienced youth. I seem to have already adopted a sinister outlook: "Bloody kids". Apparently I've turned into the angry old sod who used to shout at me for playing football in the street. The Street - those were the sunshine years; the years when people would comment on what a pretty little girl I was and how I was always smiling. I still smile but not like I used to. The freedom of childhood, the world passes you by and magic lingers around every corner, everything ignites your imagination, what a dazzling world it was. Is it wrong to crave childhood so much? I think I grew up by accident.

Stuck in the past? Probably. The problem is being stuck in the present and not wanting to step into the future. Fiona Bruce says the futures not looking too ship-shape and if you can't trust Fiona Bruce then who can you trust? I'm terrified of the future, it's not exactly welcoming us with open arms is it? The rumour is tomorrow is closely accompanied by violence, twenty four hour drinking, terrorism and obesity- perfect. I wonder if I should just give in, get a gun, get fat, get pissed...

I want to not care, I want to stop worrying, I want to just get on with it but I can't, which is more frustrating than you know. The upsetting realisation I've come to is that it's affecting the people around me. My mother is the worst. She has become aware of my fear of the future and my loss of lust for life and I know this hurts her. My inability to love life is making her feel like a failure as my mother and this coincides with me feeling like a failed daughter.

Poverty. Here I am complaining about my inability to love life sitting with a roof over my head on a five hundred pound laptop and a cheeky, little cup of tea. "There's always someone worse off than you." You see, I know this but it's difficult to believe it when you haven't seen it. There's a selfish sentence for you, I want to see starving children so I can feel better about my life... bloody hell. I want too much, not an ideal way to lead your life; especially as we sink deeper into the murky depths of the credit crunch.

I'm not religious, but I envy those who are; to have something to believe in, to feel there is something more than this: something wonderful. I imagine faith in God is a magnificent feeling. The bible says that God wants people to enjoy 'a good life'. The tenth commandment states that people should be content with what they have: 'You shall not covet your neighbours house. You shall not covet your neighbours wife, or his manservant or maidservant, his ox or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbour' (Exodus 20:17) But good God, I want that donkey. Always wanting more hoping that once I get it I'll be satisfied but I never am: impossible to please.

So tell me what to do. Tell me where do we go from here? Selfish, scared and stuck. I know I'm not the only one; it is only with a sense of optimism ideally accompanied by energy and laughter that we will be able to pick ourselves up; we have to at least try. Whether it's the credit crunch, drinking, anorexia, obesity or simply a feeling of emptiness we need to push ourselves to think positively. I miss having hopes, dreams and a determination for life. I want to live, stop waiting and start doing. Waking up with a passion for the day, a passion for life; to stop watching the news and stop watching my life go by. We're living longer for a reason, to embrace the day and embrace the inevitable. Tomorrow it begins, tomorrow we restart the future.
Tomorrow... well, it's not all that bad is it?

© Rosanne Stewart February 2009

Rosanne is studying creative writing at the University of Portsmouth

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