International Writers Magazine - Our Tenth Year: Life Now
Peter Pan Wannabe
My So Called Life
wish tomorrow wouldn't come. I just need today to last that little
bit longer because today is just about right. Tomorrow is dripping
with negative connotations, that unnerve me and make me squirm uncomfortably
in my seat. Tomorrow there are places to be, people to see... Today
I'm living life inside a snug bubble.
Maybe we should
all stop watching the news. You're always bought down a notch or two
after watching a stern-faced Fiona Bruce telling you yet, another teenager
has been brutally stabbed outside a nightclub in London, or house prices
have plummeted, yet again. It ruins my carefully crafted cup of tea.
I don't think I can pinpoint the exact moment that I lost my passion
for life; it's a shame because I'm aware I'm only an inexperienced youth.
I seem to have already adopted a sinister outlook: "Bloody kids".
Apparently I've turned into the angry old sod who used to shout at me
for playing football in the street. The Street - those were the sunshine
years; the years when people would comment on what a pretty little girl
I was and how I was always smiling. I still smile but not like I used
to. The freedom of childhood, the world passes you by and magic lingers
around every corner, everything ignites your imagination, what a dazzling
world it was. Is it wrong to crave childhood so much? I think I grew
up by accident.
Stuck in the past? Probably. The problem is being stuck in the present
and not wanting to step into the future. Fiona Bruce says the futures
not looking too ship-shape and if you can't trust Fiona Bruce then who
can you trust? I'm terrified of the future, it's not exactly welcoming
us with open arms is it? The rumour is tomorrow is closely accompanied
by violence, twenty four hour drinking, terrorism and obesity- perfect.
I wonder if I should just give in, get a gun, get fat, get pissed...
I want to not care, I want to stop worrying, I want to just get on with
it but I can't, which is more frustrating than you know. The upsetting
realisation I've come to is that it's affecting the people around me.
My mother is the worst. She has become aware of my fear of the future
and my loss of lust for life and I know this hurts her. My inability
to love life is making her feel like a failure as my mother and this
coincides with me feeling like a failed daughter.
Poverty. Here I am complaining about my inability to love life sitting
with a roof over my head on a five hundred pound laptop and a cheeky,
little cup of tea. "There's always someone worse off than you."
You see, I know this but it's difficult to believe it when you haven't
seen it. There's a selfish sentence for you, I want to see starving
children so I can feel better about my life... bloody hell. I want too
much, not an ideal way to lead your life; especially as we sink deeper
into the murky depths of the credit crunch.
I'm not religious, but I envy those who are; to have something to believe
in, to feel there is something more than this: something wonderful.
I imagine faith in God is a magnificent feeling. The bible says that
God wants people to enjoy 'a good life'. The tenth commandment states
that people should be content with what they have: 'You shall not covet
your neighbours house. You shall not covet your neighbours wife, or
his manservant or maidservant, his ox or donkey, or anything that belongs
to your neighbour' (Exodus 20:17) But good God, I want that donkey.
Always wanting more hoping that once I get it I'll be satisfied but
I never am: impossible to please.
So tell me what to do. Tell me where do we go from here? Selfish, scared
and stuck. I know I'm not the only one; it is only with a sense of optimism
ideally accompanied by energy and laughter that we will be able to pick
ourselves up; we have to at least try. Whether it's the credit crunch,
drinking, anorexia, obesity or simply a feeling of emptiness we need
to push ourselves to think positively. I miss having hopes, dreams and
a determination for life. I want to live, stop waiting and start doing.
Waking up with a passion for the day, a passion for life; to stop watching
the news and stop watching my life go by. We're living longer for a
reason, to embrace the day and embrace the inevitable. Tomorrow it begins,
tomorrow we restart the future.
Tomorrow... well, it's not all that bad is it?
Stewart February 2009
Rosanne is studying creative writing at the University of Portsmouth
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