International Writers Magazine: USA Travel
Kelsey Havens in USA's best city?
"In short, there's simply not a more congenial spot for happily
ever-aftering than here in Camelot."
In the Broadway
musical Camelot, the Arthurian city of the plays title is portrayed
in its legendary perfection. Although historically the city is said
to be a mere legend begot by Medieval writers, Scottsdale Arizona appears
to be a modern reincarnation of the city, under a different name. Judging
by the median yearly income in Paradise Valley (sister city with Scottsdale),
$124,999 (Best Places Average is $68,053), and the median yearly income
of Scottsdale, $70,575, the city is filled with the equivilent of modern
kings, queens, maidens, and knights.
Scottsdale was named the "Most Livable City"" by the
U.S. Conference of Mayors in 1993, and shortly thereafter called the
best resort town in America. It has quickly become a hub for wealthy
families, retirees, and travelers seeking only the best resorts, and
the finest opportunities and treatment. According to research done by
CNN, the city contains 6,023 restaurants (Best Places to Live Average
is 3,738), 468 bars (Best Places Average is 267), 42 movie theaters
(Best Places Average is 27), and 147 golf courses (Best Places Average
is 72). With everything at their fingertips, there is no reason for
the rich to ever be bored, or to stop spending money.
city is also very new and modern. From 1990-2005, the city grew
72.1%, making it one of the nations fastest growing cities. Most
of the demographic consisting of residents under the age of 60,
it is the perfect place for societys elite to buy a home and
raise a family.
There are plenty
of day-care centers and babysitting agencies found near any young couples
neighborhood, providing parents with an unlimited selection of week,
or weekend, nights free from children allowing them to hit the bars
and clubs, enjoy fine dining, and show off their thin, buff bodies after
losing the baby fat from a few minor liposuction operations.
Most Scottsdale mothers pay an Arizona State University student twenty
dollars an hour to take care of the kids, so that the mothers can participate
in yoga classes and necessary social gatherings. The prestige mothers
are often found chattering time away at the Coffee Bean, a coffee shop
originating in California found conveniently near the citys most
prestige spa and club. They are easy to spot in their usual camouflage
(matching designer jumpsuits, 3-inch heels and a blouse chosen by Oprahs
recommendation) while the volume of their chatter crescendos, resembling
that of kookaburras in mating season. The women often migrate to the
local mall, Fashion Square, to buy next seasons apparel, or to
buy their teenage daughter the latest trends in Prada so that she can
reign over her subjects at the local high school and entice her parade
of perverted yet refined, 18 year old suitors. Maybe for graduation
Mom will buy her daughters love with the gift of a boob job, only
intended to lift the frighteningly thin and increasingly gaunt daughters
self esteem and to ensure she will entice the college boys.
The weekends are filled with trips to Saguaro Lake (about a 45 minute
drive) to take the luxury speedboat for a spin, with appointments with
first-rate salons, such as Rumors, and with the finest massage and spa
therapists scheduled in weekly to relieve the stresses caused by the
Jenny Craig diet and exercise plan. The naïve out-of-towner will
often face tragedy if he passes one of these young, female Scottsdalians
on the highway. With only a 3 second delay at a freshly green light,
the Snottsdale princess screams a few cuss words, fakes a swerve, and
passes at 65 mph with her middle finger waving in the air, leaving her
When there are so many nearby restaurants, there is no need to actually
use the appliances found in the brand-new top of the line kitchens,
located in the gold plated nests of the wealthy mothers. Most days of
the week Scottsdalians enjoy Thai food at Bamboo Club, pizza
at Oreganos, fondue at the Melting Pot, and for the best
Mexican food for a high priceAjo Al's. Many mothers might
actually panic at the sight of raw meat, wondering why it is not precooked
like most take-home dinners.
So for the rich and famous (those with a minimum yearly income of $120,000),
Scottsdale is the best place to live, or at least to try out as a pampering
vacation. To Arizona locals living out of Scottsdale, Scottsdale is
known as the bubble, but its no insult to the prosperous who are
living there. Why would anyone, living in a place so similar to Camelot,
ever want to leave?
© Kelsey Havens
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