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ONLY WANT TO HAVE FUN - ACTUALLY
... If only these
guys were a little more secure with themselves, a little more
understanding, reliable, giving, honest, appreciative, open....
Tabytha Towe - our Vancouver Girl
it seems that the overwhelming theme for the past month has been
the subject of ''relationships with insecure men.'' Since the beginning of the year I have found myself dealing with
an unneccessary pattern of stressful relationships one after another.
I believe I've hit my mark into singlehood again. Therefore, I
only have to worry about one person---me.
It all started
on New Years Eve. I got myself my first actual boyfriend (considering
that every other guy prior to had bullshitted and bailed on me.) We
lasted for six months.
There were some great moments and some pretty rough ones in that particular
relationship. It became a struggle to keep it going, however, I later
realized it was even more of a struggle to let go of him.
Nonetheless, I really couldn't handle his unwillingness to do anything
about his anger and 'give up on life attitude' anymore.
Shortly after, as I am still getting over him, feeling vulnerable and
emotionaly distorted, I go all rebound on a guy whom was even more unstable
than my first boyfriend, but you never would have been able to guess
it,he put on a good face. We didn't make it past two months. He became
extremly possessive, jealous and manipulative. Oooh the three brutal
killers to any relationship. I had to rid myself of him desperately.
*We actually talk to each other once in a while now and we get along
So a little while after him, somehow I went back to an old fling that
never happened then and should never of happened then yet again.
Big mistake. We have a love/hate thing going on, the two blend together
and makes the basis of whatever we are or were, quite uncompromising.
We'll never understand it. That was certainately uncalled for but I
don't even count him as anything so I like to call that incident:illigitmate.
Here's the ironic part. I figured that after all the frustration and
tears, I would meet someone and try to keep it healthy by keeping it
simple. Why is that so hard I ask!?
Well, I met someone thinking it would be OK, (or so I thought) but there
always is someone else wanting more (whereas I needed less this time
By the way, turns out that this someone is the "old flings'' older
brother. Actually, I have a cute story I'll briefly fill you in on.
Thanksgiving day I'm invited to dinner by the older brother, of course
the other brother was to be there as well. I knew that and I could handle
that much, but of course their friend was also invited,who is no other
than my first boyfriend. It's a small city we revolve in, or rather
have yet to evolve from!
Anyways, that was an interesting dinner for us all. Right now I am in
the midst of tearing my hair out in which shouldn't even be the case.
I was only looking for someone to have fun with and love, not marry
or babysit. Come on I'm young here. If only these guys were a little
more secure with themselves, a little more understanidng, reliable,
giving, honest, appreciative, open, put in a little more effort into
themselves (shall I go on) and overall just found some happiness and
stability in life, then I'd probably have a lot of boyfriends, but atleast
they're on the same level and they all know eachother!?
Man, they definatly drained me, but I'm not sorry, I've learned to move
on and get on with my own life instead of absorbing others problems
or miseries, and we had good times together. I just hope they've learned
something from me.
I still worry about my exs', but I'm not worried about it to the point
of forgetting my own needs.
All I got to say is, perhaps I wasn't ready for the many packages that
come with relationships in this past year as I had some working to do
on myself still. In 2001 I'm more than prepared---to be single for a
© Tabytha Towe 2000
More Diary entries here
Tabytha Towe: Last Diary Entry 2011
I can document things in Hackwriters from when I was a silly teenager and see how much (or lack thereof) I have grown up over the years. Things I have experienced and loved, lived and learned.
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