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... If only these guys were a little more secure with themselves, a little more understanding, reliable, giving, honest, appreciative, open....
Tabytha Towe - our Vancouver Girl

Well it seems that the overwhelming theme for the past month has been the subject of ''relationships with insecure men.'' Since the beginning of the year I have found myself dealing with an unneccessary pattern of stressful relationships one after another. I believe I've hit my mark into singlehood again. Therefore, I only have to worry about one person---me.

It all started on New Years Eve. I got myself my first actual boyfriend (considering that every other guy prior to had bullshitted and bailed on me.) We lasted for six months.

There were some great moments and some pretty rough ones in that particular relationship. It became a struggle to keep it going, however, I later realized it was even more of a struggle to let go of him.
Nonetheless, I really couldn't handle his unwillingness to do anything about his anger and 'give up on life attitude' anymore.

Shortly after, as I am still getting over him, feeling vulnerable and emotionaly distorted, I go all rebound on a guy whom was even more unstable than my first boyfriend, but you never would have been able to guess it,he put on a good face. We didn't make it past two months. He became extremly possessive, jealous and manipulative. Oooh the three brutal killers to any relationship. I had to rid myself of him desperately. *We actually talk to each other once in a while now and we get along better now.

So a little while after him, somehow I went back to an old fling that never happened then and should never of happened then yet again. Big mistake. We have a love/hate thing going on, the two blend together and makes the basis of whatever we are or were, quite uncompromising. We'll never understand it. That was certainately uncalled for but I don't even count him as anything so I like to call that incident:illigitmate. Here's the ironic part. I figured that after all the frustration and tears, I would meet someone and try to keep it healthy by keeping it simple. Why is that so hard I ask!?

Well, I met someone thinking it would be OK, (or so I thought) but there always is someone else wanting more (whereas I needed less this time round.)

By the way, turns out that this someone is the "old flings'' older brother. Actually, I have a cute story I'll briefly fill you in on. Thanksgiving day I'm invited to dinner by the older brother, of course the other brother was to be there as well. I knew that and I could handle that much, but of course their friend was also invited,who is no other than my first boyfriend. It's a small city we revolve in, or rather have yet to evolve from!

Anyways, that was an interesting dinner for us all. Right now I am in the midst of tearing my hair out in which shouldn't even be the case. I was only looking for someone to have fun with and love, not marry or babysit. Come on I'm young here. If only these guys were a little more secure with themselves, a little more understanidng, reliable, giving, honest, appreciative, open, put in a little more effort into themselves (shall I go on) and overall just found some happiness and stability in life, then I'd probably have a lot of boyfriends, but atleast they're on the same level and they all know eachother!?

Man, they definatly drained me, but I'm not sorry, I've learned to move on and get on with my own life instead of absorbing others problems or miseries, and we had good times together. I just hope they've learned something from me.

I still worry about my exs', but I'm not worried about it to the point of forgetting my own needs.
All I got to say is, perhaps I wasn't ready for the many packages that come with relationships in this past year as I had some working to do on myself still. In 2001 I'm more than prepared---to be single for a loooong time.

© Tabytha Towe 2000

More Diary entries here

Tabytha Towe: Last Diary Entry 2011
I can document things in Hackwriters from when I was a silly teenager and see how much (or lack thereof) I have grown up over the years.  Things I have experienced and loved, lived and learned. 

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