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Tabytha Towe
- our Vancouver girl

Way I see it, I can recognise possible (potential) problems. I can either avoid them or prevent them, but why not just deal with them when and if they even arise?

I realised the other day that I seem to be stuck in a reckless,monotonous routine, although it also seems to be that there is nothing really consistent going on in my life.
For example, all I appear to be doing with my time these days is either work or party. If you can't find me on the job you're likely to find me at a bar close by. That's the routine I'm talking about right there, (more like an obstinate rut.) And what is so inconsistent in my life would be such matters as men (we'll discuss that later), my financial status -you win some and you lose even more- and my sleeping habits. I'm at the point now where my body is confused as to whether or not it should be
awake or resting, and last but not least, my friendships with many. Everything is contradictory---and I blame it on hypocrisy.

The other day I decided to rationalise (if you will) the many aspects of the events taking part of my life at this particular time. If I were to count the number of times I either stayed home for a night - or stayed sober for that fact, the ratio would probably be 2:5 out of the week, give or take, this is a pretty accurate guess. If I were to compare the amount of money I frivolously go through compared to the amount of which I may actually make; over my budget: next to nothing. Statistically speaking,I could wager percentages in every different direction and never come up with the appropriate ratio. That's just life I suppose, or rather, that's just how I live mine
Way I see it, I can recognise possible (potential) problems. I can either avoid them or prevent them, but why not just deal with them when and if they even arise? This is truly
my stubborn characteristic of being a Capricorn... I always have a way of excusing myself.

I figure,this day in age and especially at my age,this is the prime time for not-being-able-to-figure-anything-out-properly. One minute things seem merly adjustable to your liking or simply your surroundings, the next, it's all over and you have to start the whole thing from a different angle all over again. There's that monotanous/yet inconsistent circle I speak of, it never ends.

Here's a typical situation of my oblivious behaviour lately...As I have said before, my car is pretty much my livelihood right now. Without it I would not have the freedom to live the way I am doing by driving around all day accomplishing such activities or this ,that and the other thing. My car gives me sanity. However, driving like I'm an Indy racer- which quite frankly I do makes it inevitable that sooner or later I will get my licence prohibited.
Boom-Gone!?#@$* Just like that.

I really don't know what I am going to do with myself. I rely on my car way too much. It's only a one month suspension, I'm actually fortunate it's short term, but still, a whole month unable to just take off any time I please. I'll drive myself nuts if I can't drive myself anywhere else. Ohh I've learned a big lesson this time. I always have to push my luck far enough until I get slapped in the face with it for me to really learn. (Stupid Capricorn!?)

Regardless of the situation at hand, I'm sure I'll calm down. Maybe I'll start jogging or something...or at least something good is bound to come out of this anyhow. (And lets not
forget the $500 in ticket fines I must pay off as well!!!) Fun times I tell ya.

So do you want to hear what's new in the "Men and Tabytha" department?
To keep you up to date ,lets see whom I left off with informing you about last? Not that
there are many guys in my life of course!
Oh right,the musician dude. Turns out that seeing co-workers isn't such a good idea after all ,especially when the friendship doesn't turn out quite the same either. We are still friends,there's just a little distance between us now ,considering we are no longer together (not that we officially labelled it so.) Funny how that happens hey!? I still find him absolutely great, only now it's over,that's all. What a friggin' shame.

Then suddenly there appears another dude from practically out of nowhere (ok we won't refer to him so much as "dude",seeing as how, according to the dictionary anyway, it does mean "a pimple on a horses ass".) But this guy is something else. I don't know what just yet. He's a definite gentleman I know that much. I'm not too used to that kind of treatment. I mean I've had it before,but this guy hasn't transformed into an asshole anywhere along the lines yet...notice how I didn't have to elaborate yet on his part?

We've known each other shortly,though it feels like years. We don't have much knowledge of each other,which is actually in our favour I believe. I could scare him off any day now -or maybe not, maybe he'll be able to handle me,or maybe he'll scare me off? Who knows,we'll just have to see.
There are a few conditions however: I need space, need time, don't need commitment. I stumble upon a wonderful guy (who seems to be into me a lot) and yet I'm more shitless than ever about any relationship whatsoever at this point. I am not ready for anyone for any thing right now. But I don't think I will throw this one away,time will tell...I'll keep you posted! Did I forget to mention that he is a musician too?! There must be some relevant significance between myself and guitars.

And then there's this other guy I've been dating whom is the epitome of perfect... ok you've heard enough, he doesn't even exist anyway, don't worry.

So there's the status on that ordeal. Utter confusion in laymens terms basically. I think I've found myself to be rather confused with how I feel about people in general,whether it be family, friends or to-be or not-to-be boyfriends and what have you. I've been trying to re-evaluate my relationships with those who have an impact on my life in the past little while, along with re-evaluating my life and the epiphany-like metamorphosis I seem to long for .

What it all boils down to ,I need change, I need more. I don't want to lose or change any of the people surrounding me. I love everyone differently and everyone affects me differently ,as do I them. Although I do need new people in my life, more so a new scene -that doesn't revolve around other peoples lives nor drinking like a fish out of water (every minute.)

I'm not in a hurry nor am I desperate ,I'm just acknowledging and realising...and eventually doing something about it. Maybe.

Until then and until next time,we'll just have to see.
Take care, Have a great summer all,
Your Vancouver corespondent
© Tabytha 2001 xox

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Tabytha Towe: Last Diary Entry 2011
I can document things in Hackwriters from when I was a silly teenager and see how much (or lack thereof) I have grown up over the years.  Things I have experienced and loved, lived and learned

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