International Writers Magazine: Business
breakthrough meeting is held after change to tell you that it
was all for the better and company efficiency will drop by as
much as thirty per cent, but that we shouldn't worry as change
is good and it will all be alright in the long run as long as
the company can avoid going under in the period it is re-building
the staff expertise lost whilst enacting the Chief Executive's
the highest mountains? Probing the ocean deeps? No: Sorting out the
mess management has made yet again. If they call your bad experience
brought about by them "challenging" its because they
not only wish to give your life some meaning but hint you might be less
of a man or not up to the "challenge" of the job if you dare
A section of "Experts" who will encourage you to embrace change
because change is good, change is what the company needs to become more
efficient. Then will then tell you that after change happens company
efficiency will drop as all the staff expertise has left.
COMMITTED: I once had a letter from a "Mr Christian Pratt"
assuring me that the Association of Train Operating Companies would
remain "committed" to the passengers. I didnt know they
were in the first place. He used the bullshit way of using this word.
Another "we wont listen" way is to infer that now a
stupid decision has been taken it will be stuck to no matter what. Either
way they ought to be committed.
Everyone must acquire competences in order to measure how well they
are doing their job. Typical competences are working well in a team
and embracing change. The manager decides how well you are operating
these competences in an intangible way and therefore the markings cannot
be objected to if you don't like them. If you object to the Chief Executives
idea of moving 200 miles up country then you are not embracing change
or being a team player and you can be marked down on your competences
the company can reduce or avoid paying you your performance based pay
increase as a result.
FANTASTIC: Buzz word. Often used in sales talk, attempts to gain money
from you and when management believe they can make any situation fantastic
if they use it enough. Fantastic! Well Im sorry but after crossing
Africa and terraforming Mars in 3 months, hearing this word repeatedly
used by suits bouncing around trying to boost sales just doesnt
quite cut it for me.
FOCUS: Indicates management are tackling a problem with state of the
art technology, probably optical. The first time I saw this word used
in management parlance was in a letter to me in which they got my name
wrong; despite their assurance of being "focused" being an
inch below the wrong name! The next time management use this word ask
them to change their opticians. I did.
INNAPROPRIATE: Oh dear such a mealy mouthed kiss of death word this
one from political correctness. Watch out. There are office politicians
JUST: There is nothing just about this word when it is used just before
an outrageous price is mentioned, as it can be, to convince you that
its a reasonable price after all, it seems. This brainwashing
should be about as effective as a cat trying to paw its crap under a
Introducing new methods of working in which more is done by less staff
for a smaller wage bill. If you object to modernisation then you haven't
fulfilled the criteria for some of your competences and your performance
related pay rise can be reduced or held in abeyance. Reducing staff
wage bills further and making modernisation more attractive to the management
NEGATIVE: The worst insult they can throw at you. Its the worst
crime in their book. Probably because another way of describing someone
whos negative is to say theyre a realist. If youre
employed by whoever is accusing you of this your job is endangered.
If not, you should take satisfaction at having really got under their
POSITIVE: It usually helps not to lose sight of what is good or hopeful
about a situation, but to hear the way management use it youd
think they really do believe in the ability of employees and customers
to jump off the white cliffs of Dover and fly. A hazard of "positive
thinking" is that of simply agreeing with them, without thinking.
Remember, there was a lot of positive thinking around during World War
One, practised by the generals in the rear.
ROBUST: Somehow I cant help thinking of rotund businessmen pretending
to be gymnasts whenever I hear this word.
UNFORTUNATELY: Watch out for this one. They slip it in and in no time
at all its bad news city where nothing can be done and its
not their fault. The word immediately suggests that whats gone
wrong is a dictate of fortune, and therefore has nothing to do with
management. Ideal get out.
UPSET: Patronising isnt it. There you are having justifiably lost
your cool with some positive thinking, committed twit, and they refer
to you as being "upset." This word serves 2 purposes: To cast
you in the role of a child having a tantrum; to limit the seriousness
of whatever youre having a go at them about.
If a Chief executive or Commander in Chief has a vision run like hell!
It'll mean relocating your branch 200 miles up country getting rid of
95% of the current workforce, changing all your working practices and
being told that you'll be in a more efficient branch. This normally
results in no-one knowing what anyone else is doing or how to contact
them to discuss it as all the email addresses, phone numbers, and job
titles have changed.
© Dave Angus December 2006
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