The International Writers Magazine: REALITY CHECK
MORALITY IN THE DEN OF INIQUITY
Why Christian Extremists Get First Class Treatment At A Porn Convention
"Im from the Christian Coalition for Decency &
announced with the piggish authority of a professional. The doe-eyed
staffer for the
2005 Erotic Expo stood with mouth
agape, stunned, but cordial. "Excuse me, sir?" he asked
politely, trying hard to feign deafness. I repeated my phony title
more forcefully this time; waving at him an old plastic Bill Bradley
Campaign credential I had rattling around in my bag. "Uh,
um, well, do you have a pass for this event?" he asked, tugging
nervously on his nifty yellow uniform. I told him I did not.
"Why do I need a pass, kind sir?" I shouted. "I
have a pass from the Lord!"
lobby of the Hotel Pennsylvania, another in a series of renovated
ancient accommodations in midtown Manhattan, buzzed all around
me. The eager traders of flesh were oblivious to my regal stance.
It was painfully evident that smut was being peddled here, and
I thought it best to see how strident these Purveyors of Pornography
are when faced with a salty Soldier of God.
Patrick: Erotic Expo Spokesperson
The illusion was
miraculous, seeing how I was dressed in the usual frumpy journalist
garb; wrinkled shirt sloppily untucked beneath a ragged blue blazer,
coffee-stained jeans and a whirring mini-tape recorder clutched in my
right fist, which I used it to shake violently at the press secretary,
a handsomely tanned middle-aged man with an unnerving grin. "Ive
come to record names, addresses and income figures of your merchants
of filth!" I told him.
"No one apprised us of your arrival, Mister...?"
"Koczan," I told him. It was the first name I thought of,
and the managing editor of a magazine. Poor soul. He sends me an e-mail
every week asking if there is anything he could do, so I figured lending
his name to this charade is as good an anything as there is.
After much haggling, dropping a few power names like Ralph Reed, Bill
Bennett, Sean Hannity, Larry Flynt, and claiming first class citizenship
in the Republican Super Rangers (big cash lobbyists for the Religious
Right) I managed to procure a pass.
Once inside, I decided to keep the impersonation on the down low. No
sense riling up the festivities with any talk of Jesus or Tom Delay.
Wait to spring it on them at the last minute after they give it up.
"Im from Maxim," I told the marketing spokesman for
Epic Adult World, a chunky mustached fellow named Scott, who perked
up when he thought his musings on the fastest growing industry in the
United States, which, by the way, earns billions of dollars a year with
98.9% American sweat and tears, would appear in the nations hottest
magazine. "We toil for the most domestically solvent industry in
this country," Scott beamed. "Theres no outsourcing
in porn." He was a proud American, and it was hard to lie to him,
or at least perpetuate the second lie, the one about me representing
Maxim, an odd choice, especially since my letter-bomb mishap of 2002
has made it nearly impossible for me to sell them anything. So I went
back to the first lie.
"Youre from a Christian Organization?" Scott laughed,
and then promptly called over a spokesman for E & A Video Magazine,
who reminded me that in the last decade alone the number of adult production
companies, actors, agencies, and distributors has quadrupled. This includes
the obligatory influx of enthusiastic money minds like accountants and
investors. "In 1990, for instance, porn companies and studios in
Californias San Fernando Valley (known among the insiders as Porn
Valley, USA) has gone from dozens to hundreds," the grayish pipe
smoking friendly explained. "Youre talking about entire towns
being kept in the black by the production and sale of video sex acts."
Knowing I was opposed to their line of work seemed to delight these
guys. It was as if I tapped into why so many young men claim to be Bible
Thumpers. Free access to porn, I surmised, an enviable coup for any
growing American deviant to say the least.
I was about to sermonize on eternal damnation when a young gentleman
representing Eighty-East Entertainment, a major online shipping
porn service from right here in Wyckoff, NJ provided me hardcore (pun
intended) profit numbers set in graph form. The image was staggering.
Since 1998, there appeared not one ripple in the graph line. It rode
unimpeded up and to the right, the kind of gaudy illustration of profit
margins that would keep Donald Trump hard for weeks.
Staring at the graph I was reminded of an old Chrysler axiom coined
by Lee Iacocca before he had his third nervous breakdown and rammed
a steam ship with his yacht while screaming incoherently about Karl
Marx: Money Talks/God Walks.
Thats when my buddies over at Genesis magazine, (a periodical
I freelanced for when they actually had articles) started parading over
porn stars for a chat. Scantly clad women from bright-eyed mid-twenties
to hard-bitten thirties; enhanced, slender, bold as sailors, and richer
than Jay-Lo. Nearly every one of the half dozen I spoke with either
own production companies, modeling agencies, marketing firms or act
as spokespersons and CEOs for full-scale pay web sites, which actually
make money not like some financial sinkhole like Amazon. These
women with interesting stage monikers like Tera Patrick, Taylor Wane,
Olivia OLovely, among others have homes on both coasts, high-rise
offices and actually own their likenesses, something Im sure Britney
Spears or Jessica Simpson dont.
Oh, and by the way, theyre all Christians. So I didnt have
the heart to tell them I was an imposter and I couldnt give half
a fart what they did for cash, as long as it was fairly legal and didnt
involve me having to sell shoes.
It was time to extricate myself from the proceedings and not speak a
word of this to anyone. Who expected the ghost of Calvin Coolidge to
beat in the heart of horny?
"Once you do a film, theres no going back," remarked
Tera Patrick, a tall brunette with the kind of eyes that tell tales.
She is reportedly one of the biggies, second only to the legendary Jenna
Jameson in transcending the T & A crowd. She makes a handful of
videos a year, or at least enough to stockpile a backlog to vend well
into her early retirement.
Shes not yet 30.
Im 42 and impersonating a Christian activist at a NYC porn expo
for a thousand word column.
We had a laugh about that and I went home, cranked this out, and went
about checking out the two hundred penis enhancement ads in my e-mail
© James Campion May 23rd 2005
Want Bolton -
America the Ugly speaks
Gridlock Parts 1 & 11
James Campion with the Republican Insider 05.18
and Lifestyles here
all rights reserved