The International Writers Magazine: Love and Heartache

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Remembering the Good • Michelle Cochraine The End of the Affair

So here I stand again. Alone but yet not alone after all. If only I had remembered the bad instead of the good then nobody would have got hurt. It's that ex-syndrome isn't it? The one that you thought that you should get back together with but actually you forgot what was wrong in the first placeor why you broke up with him. Going back is a bad idea - really bad idea.

You see that’s what happened. When I first came to university, I was with him. After three years of being together, I thought that he was the one, the one that is that I was going to spend the rest of my life with. More like the one that I was going to get rid of in two months time actually. It wasn't because of the fact that I wanted my freedom here, it was more to do with that he didn't trust what I was doing. Phoning and questioning me at two o'clock in the morning about my whereabouts was not something that I found amusing. Who would? And so it ended. All it took was a two hour conversation, which turned into a shouting match, to end a partnership that had taken three years of my life.

I was out on my own, free and single and available. But I didn't feel that way. Oh no,I felt more like the world was tumbling down around me. Everything that I had known and trusted had gone. And so I resorted to pulling anybody I wanted, thinking that by some strange miracle it would make me feel better. And yes- I fell into the dreaded trap of sleeping with someone as well. That made me feel even worse. So after about a month of this stupidity, I put my mind right, listened to my mates and went out on several nights, content with the fact that I was just on a booze up with the girls. And that’s how it went for the next two months.

Then I saw him again.

We had decided to stay friends and had just reached that point of getting over the awkwardness as well. Out in the pub for a few drinks....(which I refuse to blame) I told him that I still loved him and that we shouldn't have split up. There is no doubt about the fact that I did still love him, but as you do sometimes, I had forgotten the fact that he didn't trust me, hated the way that other blokes looked at me and didn't like my girlie night expeditions. Forgetting the aforementioned, I fought for him. He declined me several times and just when I was giving up said that he couldn't live without me either. It was back on....SCORE right? Wrong; it became a big miss.

No sooner had we kissed and made up then he was accusing me of wearing my skirt too short and told me that I was a slag for wanting to dress the way that I did. So I wore trousers out. Then, he saw the random bloke giving me the eye from across the room. Of course this was my fault. I must have been provoking him. The last straw was the phone call. I was out with the rugby lads and some girlie mates when he phoned and told me that I was ridiculous for being out with the lads.

What had I done? How could I forget the way that he was? So I told him that it was over. And this time I meant it. I am not going back. I have my confidence now and refuse to let anyone take it away. I am not ashamed of my actions and don't need a buzz to make me feel better. In fact I am on top notch form. But then there is the next problem. As if all of this burden wasn’t enough, I met the guy of my dreams. From the word go, we clicked like I had never clicked with anyone before. Then we saw each other everyday for the next week. But there was that niggle in the back of my head. YOU SHOULD BE SINGLE MICHELLE. Experience has taught me to listen to my head and if things were meant to work out then they would. So I told him that I wanted to get to know myself first before I could even contemplate getting together with someone else. He understood as well. Instead we have decided to get to know each other as friends.

The moral of the story folks? Well there are two. Just remember that your first instinct is nearly always right . Also remember that life likes to through you hurdles all the time. However, it is your choice whether to bump into them or rise and jump over them.
© Michelle Cochraine March 2004
hackfeatures@yahoo.co.uk

Michelle is now the new Student Editor at Hackwriters.com. She is studying Creative Arts at Portsmouth University- Submit your lifestyle piece to Michelle here

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