. . . Lifestyle: The Womb
Im here for the positive, but I cant help thinking
about my impending loss. One of the most serious issues is that
you are parting with your personal identity as a woman. The fear
of loss can be just as realistic as the actual loss.
at Blexington Ward Three for a hysterectomy. The Greek word for womb
takes its name from hysteria. Am I being hysteric? Im
here for a hysterectomy
extinction. One of the most essential parts of being a woman is being
creative, pro-creative, and to have that taken away from you brings
fears of great magnitude. The womb that carried my children has become
the sac that has to be removed, the channels of creation,
my fallopian tubes, have to be tied up. My womanhood is just about to
be stripped, sterilised and become defunct.
Endometriosis is the falling away of the lining of the womb that has
caused me great pain. This operation should restore my internal health
and therefore give me a new lease of life. What will my life be without
my eggs, ovum, ovaries? Will I feel different without my uterus, my
womb? What about my time of the month, menstrual cycle,
the cycle of the moon? I will find out after my sterilisation whether
I can still be a woman.
I must put losing into perspective, losing a purse on the bus is annoying,
upsetting and sometimes expensive. Losing a child to cancer is devastating,
terrifying, and is a loss that cant be calculated. Is my loss
any more or any less than other losses? Medical professionals said that
this operation would stop my pains, the pains of womanhood. My fear
of loss is because I might not feel a woman, and mother towards my children,
that came from the womb, that is to be removed. Never will I hold my
own newborn child in my arms, because I will have no womb.
The Registrar is here, and the anaesthetist, all preparing me for my
loss. The nurse offers sympathies and words of encouragement as I take
the pre-med drugs. The drugs started to make the issues that seemed
so important earlier, fade away. The pains of my particular womanhood
receded and the feeling was euphoric. I slowly drifted, and was wheeled
through lights, sounds and dimmed, muffled voices. Counting to ten I
was soon lost under anaesthesia. I dreamt of fecundity, of pro-creation
and of virgin life. I dreamt of luscious jungles, with tangled creepers
that oozed life from every leaf, branch and tendril. Every life form
illuminated the genesis of its own creation and I, in my dreams, took
comfort from that.
Stark lights, and again muffled voices, and the pains of invasion. But,
I remembered my visions and dreams of future fertility in another life.
The loss that I had been anticipating had been eradicated and I was
free to enjoy being a mother, sister and a woman.
© Abigale Vail - November 2003
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