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The International Writers Magazine
: Bar Research

Get your coat – you’ve pulled
Mandy Ivens-Brown (with an ‘e’) braves the fast and frantic world of chat up lines and goes in search for the cheesiest line by far with some hilarious consequences.

When your young free and single chat - up lines can prove extremely useful particularly when in search of a mate. I’ve discovered through endless nights out on the town, all in the name of research you understand that it’s not the line you give but how you tell it that matters.

One narrow escape came when I was collered by a Norwegian cross country skier, apparently famous, who had come to England in search of a ‘fife’ – um hello? But we’ve only just met!

Just recently one night out with four of my wild and zany friends proved that even the discussion of chat up lines became chat up lines in themselves. We hit the town armed with notepad and pen and by the time I staggered home at the end of the night, the pad was completely drenched in beer and covered in telephone numbers and love messages. Before you get too excited, after all, I’ve heard that miracles do happen, these notes weren’t for me but instead lovingly dedicated to the responsible and trusted hands in which I had left the pad with. This would be Tamsyn.

If you have ever read my wedding article then you would know her as the ‘one legged lager bandit’. She has only just recently come off her crutches, which is a shame because they seemed the perfect tools in attracting men.

Tamsyn isn’t perhaps the most ladylike of females to say the least. However, she is incredibly stunning as well as just a teeny bit dizzy, which you just can’t help love her for. Whenever you’re with Tamsyn your guaranteed a night of being completely surrounded by eager young men all throwing themselves at her. Meanwhile, your shunted to the corner completely devastated because none of these young men have even so much as glanced at you!

So as you can see, Tamsyn was the ideal candidate for my little chat up line project. What I didn’t expect to happen was for her to turn the project into a little black book project, but, even so, we had some hilarious feedback – all in the name of research of course!

As you can imagine, the more the beer flowed the less legible the writing and the tone plummeted to an all time low. Filthy language by filthy minds – you know who you are Andy! You even left your phone number!

When interrogated on the spot it was amazing how the majority of men couldn’t think of anything apart from perhaps ‘hello darling – you look nice!’ or ‘Cor, I fancy you!’ which isn’t the most imaginative way of going about things! After a small glimpse of the pad these initial reactions of ‘dunno, can’t fink’ soon dispersed and we were enlightened with such comments as: ‘Did you hurt yourself when you fell from heaven?’… How do you like your eggs in the morning? How did you feel when the angels stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes? Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me? I may not be the most attractive of people but I’m stood here talking to you! or, alternatively, ‘here’s 10p, ring your mum and tell her your not coming home’.

So do these lines actually work however corny they may sound? I must admit that I can be quite a sceptic when it comes to the drivel that flows from the beered-up lips of various men out on the town. However, one chat-up line actually made my heart melt. It came from a rather shy young man with whom I wasn’t expecting much. Then out came the line – ‘how heavy is a polar bear? Don’t know? Neither do I but at least it broke the ice!’

Suddenly my knees turned to jelly. Not only was it clean but pretty clever too. After all, chat-up lines don’t necessarily have to consist of sexual innuendoes.One young man confided in me by saying that he used chat up lines that required a little time to work out. If the subjectee is still standing there after a few good minutes trying to understand exactly what has been thrown at them then you know you’ve landed yourself a dud and to move yourself on to the next one. His line was –‘ do you like fruit?
My answers a peach’, so I guess him and me will never work out because I’m still trying to figure this one out!

The trick, so Tamsyn has told me, is to have some pre-prepared responses ready to throw back at them such as ‘you’ve been following me around all night – are you a haemorrhoid?’ What this all has to do with peaches I really don’t know. In fact, the whole thing is becoming rather confusing!
Chat-up lines are all part of the boy meets girl plan. The finding of a suitable partner ready to spend the rest of your life with – well, that’s the general idea anyhow.

Somehow, I don’t think: ’that dress would look even nicer on my bedroom floor’ is the right idea of going about things. But you never know – David Copperfield landed himself with the gorgeous Claudia Schiffer at one point and the only good thing he had going for him was a black top hat and a fluffy white rabbit.

A girl I know uses her aunt’s puppy dogs as a way of attracting the opposite sex. Babies too are a good device especially for men. There was a study in which two photos were taken of a man and in one photo he was holding a baby. Passed off as twins’ females were asked which of the twins they were attracted to the most and, incredibly, the photo with the baby won hands down even though it was the same man.

People will go to any lengths in order to attract the opposite sex and the more fun it is the better. One guy I know will run up to a girl and make strange Indian/tribal noises then run away again leaving the victim somewhat baffled!

That night with the note pad turned out to be a huge success. We discovered that everyone wanted to talk about chat-up lines, they all knew at least one and everyone was interested in the subject matter.

If you put the thought into someone’s head then…well…anything can happen. Just make sure your not yet another girl with all the stars in your eyes, as there could be a serious star shortage.
The heart melt thing doesn't work either if its been tried on with the next girl, and the next, and the next – God I hate it when that happens!

© Mandy Mand

Mandy Mand on Japanese girls

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