The International Writers Magazine: Dreamscapes - An Amex story

Phone • Oswaldo Jimenez “Fifteen hundred feet, at least fifteen hundred feet, or in that area, someone out there in a tightrope-walk in between the two towers of the World Trade Center; right at the tippy-top,” That was the voice of a radio traffic reporter from a Helicopter describing to his audience the high-wire act of a 24 year old French man, thirteen-hundred-and-fifty-feet -up and no net below... Stay tuned after a word from our sponsors, this is Chris Kelly CBS Television News, New York.”

Brought to you by Canada Dry Ginger Ale “Where quality is tradition...”

Introducing! “Sex by Phone,” call in, day or night, from anywhere, anytime; from your office, from your home, eve from your bed! our operators are ready to take your call and take you to places where you’ve never been before; all with the convenience of your credit card! CALL NOW! and take advantage of our first time offer: The first minute is free, if you don’t like it, hang up and you are not charged a penny! But we guarantee, guarantee, that you’ll be satisfied from the moment one of our operator’s voices reaches your ear. Call now! If you call now you’ll get a gift certificate card for an extra five-free minutes with your favorite operator the next time you call us back, DO IT NOW! CALL! If you call within the next two minutes, we’ll throw in an extra minute, FREE! take advantage of this special offer before it expires! ( must be eighteen or older.)

Mmmmmmm?!..... Let’s see... nine-seven-six-....

Hellow?...... Hellow?

“Hi, sweetie, thank you for calling us, please have your credit card ready, and when you hear the sound of the tone, please press your seven digit card number; please don’t forget to include the expiration date, and your postal code. Now, before we start, please select from the following: If you are calling from a rotary phone, please wait on the line and the next available operator will pick up your call quickly and take you places where you’ve never been; If you are calling from a touch-tone phone, please press the seven digit card number, including expiration date, and postal code, and press pound; if you are calling from a long distance number, please stay on the line sweetie, don’t hang up, and an operator will pick you right up and begin you pleasure trip..”

C’mon, C’mon.... pick up, pick it up already.

“Hi handsome, thank you for being so patient with me, now before we connect you to one of our sexy ladies, please enter your date of birth and press pound; If you are using a rotary phone, dial “zero” and an operator will gladly pick you up and get your information right away so you can start your trip to sensuality and pleasure immediately; if you are calling long distance, please stay on the line and a friendly operator will pick you right up, don’t hang up the line you hottie! the possibilities for infinite pleasure are just a moment away!”

Hellow? Hellow?

“Mmmmm, by the sound of your sexy voice, I can tell you are a hot and handsome young man, full of fire and sensuality.. mmmmm... don’t despair sweetie, you’re almost there, you’re nearing the gate of infinite satisfaction, once you’ve provided us with the three digit security code that appears in the back of your credit card... mmm I’ll be ready to serve you... mmm... If you are using a rotary phone, please dial eight, seven, seven, nine seven, two, eight; If you are using a touch-tone phone, dial one-five-one-nine-seven-eight one; if you are calling long distance, please be hot and patient and wait for the luscious operator to pick you up...; Oh.. hottie, I can’t wait to tell you what I’m gonna do to you, whether you like it or not!”

Let’s see, one-five-one-nine-seven-eight-one.. Pound? or Star? Hello? Hello? do I press pound or star after these numbers? Hellow? Hellow? ..... “ Honey..if you need more time please press one, if you’re calling from a rotary phone, please dial ‘zero’ and and one of our sexy operators will pick you right up; if you are calling from a long distance number, please... please.. sweetie wait for the hot operator to pick you.. right up; if you’re using a touch-tone phone, dial one NOW”

Dial one, now, OK.. Hellow? “ Oh sweetie pie! please press your seven digit credit card number now; when you’ve finished pressing the numbers, press pound and... please don’t keep me waiting any longer, I’m burning hot..”

Damn! what the hell... Zero-zero-one-seven-two-two-one pound. “Hello, honey, oh you’re just so hot and so nice to call; please don’t forget to press the three digit security code that appears in the back of your credit card.. and oh don’t make me wait any longer.. i’m so hot.; If you are using BANKAMERICARD or MASTER CHARGE, please stay on the line; If you’re using AMERICAN EXPRESS dial zero-two, now!

Stay on the line..? C’mon, C’mon.

“HELLO SIR? yeah? Hellow?

“YES SIR, YOU’RE CARD HAS BEEN DECLINED, WOULD YOU LIKE TO USE A DIFFERENT CARD? WE TAKE MASTER CHARGE, AMERICAN EXPRESS, AND DINERS CLUB. WOULD YOU LIKE TO PROCEED WITH A DIFFERENT CARD?”

What?

“WOULD YOU LIKE US TO PROCESS YOUR CALL WITH A DIFFERENT CARD SIR?”

I’m.. I.. ‘click” Dammit! dammit, this stupid card, where’s the AMEX? dammit! I had it at the bar, Oh no, did I leave it at the bar? Oh no, I’m screwed, that was the company card.. Dammit! Where did I leave it? Oh please be here, please be here, No, no, no,
Please be here,.... Ok, don’t panic, don’t panic.. I went to the bar, I had the martini and then two beers.. two beers, Oh, and the scotch, Oh no!, Shit, I bought that blond a drink! a Bloody Mary,... then what? THINK! THINK! the Bloody Mary, I had another scotch, then I paid, and the barkeep.. god! What body! She gave me the bill... THINK! I paid with cash?! Did I pay with cash or did I use the AMEX? Man... I’m totally screwed, did the blond keep the card? Oh no, I’m screwed... Don’t panic! look in your pockets, pockets, ...Nothing! Oh shit! OK, OK, let’s look in the bag; nothing! nothing! in the wallet... Please, please, be here, ... Empty! Dammit! Nothing!

Alright, alright, don’t panic, retrace your steps... The restaurant.. the bar.. the taxi.. the hotel... The restaurant, the bar, the taxi, the hotel. Did I pay with cash at the bar..? the bar,.. I paid with credit.. OK, did I use the AMERICAN EXPRESS? Think, think... I did! I think I did. OK, now were did I put it, where did I put the damn corporate card? The cab, the taxi, I must’ve dropped it in the back seat of the taxi,... dammit.. dammit.. Call the cab company, call the cab company now! Here’s the receipt, call, call, call....

Hellow?

“Thank you for calling the speedy cab company, our motto is ‘we are here to take you places.” Please listen carefully for our menu options have changed: if you are calling from a rotary phone, please dial zero and our operators will be there to help you; if you’re calling from a touch-tone phone, please dial zero and then pound and wait for the operator; if this is an emergency, please call nine-one-one and report your problem.
To reach a dispatcher, please, dial two-three-one-one, to reach our customer service line, please dial six-six-six, now, to....”

SIX-SIX-SIX... c’mon, please pick up..

“THANK YOU FOR CALLING THE SPEEDY CAB COMPANY.. ALL OF OUR REPRESENTATIVES ARE WAITING ON OTHER CUSTOMERS, YOUR CALL IS VERY IMPORTANT TO US, SO PLEASE STAY ON THE LINE AND THE NEXT AVAILABLE REPRESENTATIVE WILL BE WITH YOU IN A MOMENT, IN THE MEAN TIME PLEASE HAVE YOUR CREDIT CARD READY, THANK YOU”

NO! no, please, not stupid elevator music... c’mon, c’cmon... Think! where, could it be, where, where...

“THANK YOU FOR CALLING THE SPEEDY CAB COMPANY.. ALL OF OUR REPRESENTATIVES ARE WAITING ON OTHER CUSTOMERS, YOUR CALL IS VERY IMPORTANT TO US, SO PLEASE STAY ON THE LINE AND THE NEXT AVAILABLE REPRESENTATIVE WILL BE WITH YOU IN A MOMENT, IN THE MEAN TIME PLEASE HAVE YOUR CREDIT CARD READY, THANK YOU”

C’mon..c’mon...

‘Heellooo? Kan ay heelp ya ?

Oh thank God! Listen, I was in one of your cabs just a few hours ago and I think I lost my credit cards there, Is there a lost and found? Can you check for me to see if I left it in the cab, please?

“Yu nid a Kab?”

NO, NO, for god’s sake, I’m trying to find out if I left my credit cards in the cab I rode a few hours ago, is there a lost and found?

“yu lus somtink?

I took a cab from the Timbuktu Bar to my hotel in and I think I left my credit cards in the cab, they may have fallen out of my coat pocket. Is there a way to check with the driver to see if I left them there?

“Is yu in Otel?”

Yes! I’m in my room in the hotel,

“wee call yu bak. OK?

Fine. Wait, wait, don’t you need my call back number and all my information?

“O yes, a leetle moment pleez’

HELLO? Are you there, hello? hello? dammit! Hello? Hellow?....

“IF YOU’D LIKE TO MAKE A CALL, PLEASE CHECK THE NUMBER AND DIAL AGAIN,
THIS IS A RECORDING.. FIVE-FOUR.”

“IF YOU’D LIKE TO MAKE A CALL, PLEASE CHECK THE NUMBER AND DIAL AGAIN,
THIS IS A RECORDING.. FIVE-FOUR.”

“Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing!” “Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing!” “Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing!”

HELLO!? DID YOU FIND IT?

“ Hello Jack, Sweetheart? are you alright? It’s Mary.. Is everything OK, you sound distressed... something wrong?

Oh, my god, Mary, I’m sorry, I thought you were,.. never mind these crank calls I’ve been getting, I’m fine, I’m fine, how’re the kids, did you take Susie to dance? her outfit was in the laundry basket, I forgot to tell you when I left...

“Yes, I found, it... Are you alright Jack? you sound weird? How was the conference? You were there late! I tried to call the hotel earlier, but the phone just rang, and rang then when they dialed your suite...it was busy. You must be exhausted”

Yes it was a long day, I’m beat. I’ve been watching the Television here, there’s some French nut trying to walk across these huge buildings; I mean the Twin Towers here in New York, the guy’s a nut, he’s like a fly, no fear,... Listen I can’t stay on the line too long or the company is going to charge me for the long distance call.. I’m fine I’ll leave tomorrow, we’ll see each other soon... tell Susie I miss her, and give Joey a giant kiss for me....

“You sure you’re alright Jack? maybe you should go to bed.. get some rest,..”

Yes, I’ll do that, I love you.. yo get to bed too... bye bye sweetie”

“Good night Jack... be safe... I love you...”

KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK!

What now?! Who the heck... YEAH, WHO IS IT?!

“Mr. Reynolds?

YEAH, YEAH, WHO IS IT?!

“Mr. Reynolds, it’s the Bellhop; check out time is early tomorrow, the manager was wondering if you’d like to checkout tonight and get all the paper work out of the way so you don’t miss your flight”

YES!, yes, I’m sorry I wasn’t expecting anyone. Come in!, I didn’t know I could do
this the night before. But fine, Let me look at this... What? Oh! Oh thank goodness!..
No wonder!... Oh, I forgot I left my corporate card with the hotel.. Oh, my god what a relief!

“I’m sorry, Mr. Reynolds?”

Nothing, nothing, never mind, wait here a moment... Here, get a couple of drinks on me!

‘Thank you Mr. Reynolds, that’s very generous!”

Don’t you mention it my boy, don’t you mention it! Thank you! and Good night!

“Introducing, “Sex by Phone,” call in, day or night, from anywhere, anytime; from your office, from your home, eve from your bed! our operators are ready to take your call and take you to places where you’ve never been before; all with the convenience of your credit card! CALL NOW! and take advantage of our first time offer: The first minute is free, if you don’t like it, hang up and you are not charged a penny! But we guarantee, guarantee, that you’ll be satisfied from the moment one of our operator’s voices reaches your ear. Call now! If you call now you’ll get a gift certificate card for an extra five-free minutes with your favorite operator the next time you call us back, DO IT NOW! CALL! If you call within the next two minutes, we’ll throw in an extra minute, FREE! take advantage of this special offer before it expires! ( must be eighteen or older.)”

Mmmmmmm?!.....

Hellow? Yes... yes.. American Express...
© Oswaldo jimenez October 2012
artzineonline@gmail.com

Missing
Oswaldo Jimenez
Pay attention when I talk to you man! You must do exactly as I say! Exactly as I say! You hear me man? Do exactly as I say!

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