International Writers Magazine: Reality Check
ON THE LOONS
Al-Qaeda Gets On Board The Crazy Express
"It is a jihad for the sake of God
and will last until our religion prevails ... from Spain to Iraq,
we will attack everywhere."
- Ayman al-Zawahri
Yada. Yada. Yada.
above statement was uttered from another pathetic sack of shit
from another "secret remote location" somewhere in the
in a tired series of "Notice Me!" nonsensical prattle from
displaced mutants streamed over Al-Jazeera television. "Coming
up next after 'Camel Races from Qatar' another anti-Semitic rant from
your friends at al-Qaeda! Take it away, Skip!" -
"Tyrannical Western Civilization! Blessed Allah! Death! Vengeance!
Holy this! Sacred that! Blah. Blah. Blah." Retread. Cry wolf. Really
T he latest grainy and haunting video of a riled-up Ayman al-Zawahri
comes complete with images of the World Trade Center burning and a portrait
of Mohammed Atef hanging dramatically behind him. Trouble is Atef has
been dead since November of 2001, and well, 9/11 was a few months prior
to that and nearly five years ago now. I'm no trend-spotter and I rarely
check the pop culture meter to see what's hot and what's not, but seems
to me like we have ourselves a washed-up entity trying desperately to
hone in on the new hot commodity: Hezbollah.
Let's face it; al-Qaeda has a little David Lee Roth thing going on.
Much to the chagrin of the bin Laden clan, Hezbollah is front-page news
right now. They have managed something the PLO, Hamas, and even their
own hate-mongering coffee klatch could not accomplish -- wake the sleeping
lion Israel. That had to raise the collective ire over in the caves
of Afghanistan: "We're the baddest! We're the tops on the terrorist
hit list! Remember Spain? Remember London? What about 9/11? Look over
here! Despise us! Shower us with fear!"
Okay, so now, predictably, al-Qaeda has thrown its turban into the ring
over this IDF kill-fest. Why not? Anytime anything happens anywhere
in the terrorist realm they take credit. We even talk about this has-been
clique as if it is still a threat, in and of itself. Truth is al-Qaeda
is so 2001. Give it up. The whole thing reminds me of Britney Spears,
who was at her nubile jail-bate best in '01, and is now an ebony-quaffed
pregnant white-trash harpy.
These guys cling to 9/11 as some kind of super-victory. C'mon already,
9/11 was a half-decade ago. Sarah Silverman is even goofing on it now:
"American Airlines should advertise they were 'first through the
towers'." If it weren't for the Bush Administration or Ann Coulter
it would be ancient history by now. This reminds me of driving down
Northern Blvd. in 1993 and seeing an aging sign celebrating the 1986
Mets. Enough already. Let's see some action and less yapping from these
What have you done to us lately?
"Stand with Muslims in confronting this unprecedented oppression
and tyranny," al-Zawahri continued. "Stand with us as we stand
with you against this injustice that was forbidden by God in his book."
Notice the desperate cry for attention to cash in, connect his merry
band of yesterday's news with the current crisis: "Stand with Muslims?"
"Stand with us?"
Muslims = Us. This is akin to the Jerry Falwells of the world talking
about their voodoo shit as if their myopic fantasies gel with the rest
This is the fatal flaw in being a revolutionary; you have to matter.
You have to be in the spotlight. It's over for al Qaeda. They had their
time. No one wants to hear from Ayman al-Zawahri anymore than they want
to "Get Jiggy". It's over. Time to hate someone who matters.
Now Al Jazeera is another kettle of trout. They are a happening media
event right now. Go where the action is, that's what I say.
To that end I recently
contacted the advertising department of the station through Allied Media,
which makes a pretty convincing argument about placing your ad campaign
in their hands: "Al Jazeera is the largest and most controversial
Arabic News Channel in the Middle East, offering news coverage 24 hours
a day from around the world and focusing on the hottest regions of conflict.
With programming focusing primarily on news coverage and analysis, the
station has earned the loyalty of a large audience. It has also earned
the enmity of various critics who argue that Al Jazeera is overly sensational,
with a bent on showing bloody footage from war zones as well as giving
coverage to violent groups. Criticism from varied governments has helped
the channel garner credibility from an audience that is used to government-imposed
censorship and biased coverage."
Hottest regions of conflict! Excellent. The spirit of fighting censorship
has always been something of a lifestyle for me. Al Jazeera turns negative
publicity into gold! It's like the new Eminem, who has also gone the
way of spandex and Rubik's Cube. Not to mention the ability to reach
40 million radicals in the Arab world and 175,000 in the U.S. alone.
So after a lengthy discussion with a Mr. M. Saout -- he never did reveal
what the M stands for -- on my repeated failures with working within
and without the vagaries of the publishing industry and the continued
fuck-ups of my current distributor/publisher, Airleaf and the Phenix
& Phenix Publicity troupe, I pitched the idea of plugging my next
book to radical Muslims and funding a documentary on the primacy of
Moses in the history of the Holy Land and why Islam is pretty much an
hilariously formulated hoax.
Surprisingly, he was not receptive. Reminded me of my battles with Simon
& Schuster ten years ago. He even used the same response: "This
will not fly here."
Therefore I urge all of my readers to pitch your own brand of entertainment
to Al Jazeera now. You can reach Allied Media in Alexandria, VA at (703)
333 2008, or e-mail them now at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Just don't suggest any of the following. They have all
already been forcefully rejected:
The Mohammad Variety & Laff Hour
Stripping -- Women out of their burkas and into your heart
The Osama Corpse Cam
Good Morning What's Left of Beirut!
Celestial Virgins Are Overrated
© James Campion July 31st 2006
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