ABANDONING REASON AT THE FORT
• REALITY CHECK with James Campion
'My fears are real now. Not even Georgetown is answering my calls'.

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There has been an egregious breech of security here at the Reality Check War Room. The morale of the group is down, and passions have been splintered by the day. This once proud conclave, and its failed dream of finding the sense in this government's foreign doings in the face of a three-front police action has rendered these once hearty souls to back-biting pansies. And unlike many of these anonymous cretins, I have to answer for it.

Our findings have been appearing in this paper and across the globe on the Internet for over a month under my name, and not one of these people have so much as considered the safety of its author. These are desperate times. This country is on the brink of war inside the most volatile region on the planet with little to no international support. Now is not the time for leaks and dissent within the group. Now is the time for rabid solidarity.

But, alas, the local authorities have been alerted to our clandestine barnyard meetings, and all hope of dissecting the truth from a rotting corpse of bullshit has been compromised. Needless to say the floodlights at Fort Vernon have been ordered to stay on until further notice and the digging of the memorial Mr. Kitty Mote has been put on hold.

If I thought for one minute anyone would find us, I surely would not have written the insane shit that has been running in this space lately. This nonsense about Colin Powell taking a dive for the Pentagon or burning flags or ceding from the Union is, of course, all a joke.
Satire. Yes, that's what I do best. Poking holes in the hypocrisy of human endeavor with the sharpness of my pen. Sure. It is an art form to be admired, not vitriolic blather to be feared and evidence for restitution.

My fears are real now. Not even Georgetown is answering my calls.
There has been a lockdown in Washington for ten months and after that staged kissy-face showcase between the Commander and Chief and the White House press corps its time to prepare for the worst. And God help the next lame bastard who asks a president about Viet Nam every time two American troops meet anywhere. Of course the president thought it a "good question", a troll could have defused it. Many of our best War Room commandos exited in shame after that dog and pony show last night. The diligent watchdog press has been felled.

Objective commentary is dead. In its wake remain only extremists, the woefully confused peace-protesters and the shills for war. There is no more middle ground. Get on board or get out of the fray.
The weaker of us saw it coming last night. And those who were left to listen for the police sirens could only stare into space. We were not prepared for this to get real. We foolishly believed there was hope in knowing the truth, not versions of the truth seen through prisms of political ideology and diplomacy-speak. But it was all a big fuck-around, and now it is done.

I should have heeded my original hesitance to be involved with this charade. Twelve long years of this crap over 17 pointless UN resolutions. It's like watching tapes of old Super Bowls and rooting for the Buffalo Bills. Hussein is not going to surrender and no Bush with the power of the free world is going to let this go without bloodshed.

But before we broke camp, the majority of the remaining warriors decided to be the only journalists to actually print a date when the beginning of end for Saddam Hussein will be. By the time this column hits the streets on 3/12, the first bombs will have fallen in Iraq, and as stated in this space before, the whole thing will be over within the month. That's my beloved mother's birthday. She is the ultimate warrior.

It might even be the day triplets will be born in Syracuse.
I'll be out front finishing this mote. Then we will hope, with everyone else, that Captain Shoe In's vengeance crusade doesn't open up the can of worms his father's failed miss.

© James Campion March 2003

READERS LETTERS

Dear Sirs,
I have a big dick, and frankly, I'm insulted by your comments in you article "Selective Heroism". You are no better than that Hootie Blowfish guy that won't let women play in the Masters. You, sir, are an obvious anti-phallite.
Pete

Jc,
I wish they'd put you on T.V. I love it, thank you.
Danstable

Check,
I know my letters to you have a propensity for ass references, but like they say, "play to your strengths."
Regarding your "Price of Safety Rises"; sure, let the cops do what they want: read my email, tap my phone, sit in a little van down the street and watch me whack my bag to "Charmed" reruns. But if they're wrong about me, I get to stick a plunger up their ass. And I get to do it where everything is getting done these days: on TV. Oh, and don't try to get me on a technicality, like I ripped the "Don't remove..." tag off my mattress. If they spy on me and can't prove that I'm doing what they
believe I'm doing to warrant this attention, they get the toilet-stick
right up the old poop chute.
Slater

James.
Your article hit the spot after this crazy week! I say, bring on the duct tape!!!
Donna

Sir,
How amazing it is that now we crucify the Bush Administration for terror alerts and doing "something". He is damned if he does and he's damned if he doesn't. If he doesn't release the terror alerts and some Koran reading wack job lights off a biological weapon on the 7 train in NYC, he will be killed in the press for not letting us know about it beforehand. Now the Bush Administration is saying you want advance notice, fine, we will warn you every time we are notified or discover a potential threat.
As for the economy, it was proved that the 2000 GAO numbers were cooked by the Clinton Administration much like they overstated the recession in '92. James, I am a former US Army Ranger who has been deployed overseas and I have seen the rabid anti-American nature of some folks out there. If you ever traveled overseas from as recently as the 1980's you will know that Germany hates us, the Italians tolerate us, nations in Central America love our Yankee dollars but hate us. So I believe that the State Department is receiving "credible" threats about people willing to make a move against us.
The fact that the government is telling us is much better than the "catch me if you can" administration of the 1990's.
Bill Roberts

Hey,
Goddamn this was funny! I love the "...cub reporters introducing frightful video of tanks backing into malls in downtown DC and uncovering blueprints to build a bubble car to truck Dick Cheney to his weekly heart transplant." Just caught the show Frontline on PBS which did a great two-parter on the Gulf War which showed the tactics Bush 1 et al used to get America behind that war: "they're stealing incubators and leaving the babies on the floor to die." One thing is certain about Gulf "The Empire Strikes Back" War 2: no amount of alcohol is gonna make this tart fuck-worthy to anybody. Doesn't feel right in my gut. If we were chasing down bin
Laden I'd be all for it.
Ken Eustace

Hello,
Yet another diatribe of liberalistic garbage to hype up the flower carrying, tye dye, worthless and contradictory generation of fools from the 60s' and to our great misfortune, their current clueless successors who now march and gather in protest. We must not allow the likes of someone like Jim to brainwash our utterly ignorant youth into following his Hunteresque gibe of liberal feebleness. Right wing Americans stand together united, if not to back your President, then to squash this nambie pambie excuse for so-called journalism. I say use this article as a Charmin substitute, (forgive the chaffing, it will heal quickly) to send a message that we will not stand for this sort of tripe but instead will tune our radios that to modern day sage, Mr. Rush Limbaugh and listen without reason, but follow, follow, follow.....you are getting very sleepy, very sleepy, Jim is wrong, Jim is wrong, repeat after me Jim is
wrong.
PJ

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'You know what the Axis of Evil is?
Money. Money. Money.'

email: realitycheck@jamescampion.com
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(Log and on and buy James's brilliant collection of essays about contemporary Americana

Previously on Hackwriters by James Campion

HOW THE APPLE WAS WON KEN KESEY RIP SWANSONG ISRAEL - Blinded by the light? GEORGETOWN UNCLE RUDY RESURRECTION CIA Elton Brand Feedback to James Campion articles Battleline America ABC News Dick Cheyney Cabelvision HolyHell Parenting in a predatory world Blamegame - The FB! knew More Feedback from Readers May02 God On my Left Reader's Feedback3 September 02 'Going back to the USSR' Standoff in Washington All Together Now - Recession

James Campion The Toys of Summer The 2002 Baseball Season NYC - ONE YEAR AFTER Mid-Term Madness The House will stay Republican Senator Quitter - Ballad of a Gutless Swine The Legal Persecution of Lenny Bruce The Birthing of History In Praise of "Gangs of New York" The Bill for Rebuilding Iraq

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