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... In a few weeks I’ll be considered of adult status. For crying out loud I still have to rely on my parents to eat.

On December 30th Tabytha turns 19 - Panic has begun to sink in
 One thing I have come to notice more often lately is that for once I am focusing my attention a lot more. Well I’m trying. I’m beginning to listen to my boyfriend word for word. (Usually that wouldn’t be a good idea, just that this guy is sincere.) I honestly am so ridiculously focused I miss most everything. I live in La La Land. It is hard for me to concentrate on one thing at a time, I have dozens of thoughts racing through my head and crashing into each other all at once, it’s not easy picking just one to pay all of your attention to. When emotions get involved it’s disastrous, I’ll never fully rationalize.

It’s obvious in my life style too, not only in my writing. As you can tell for yourself I go from one topic to another out of nowhere. I get involved in something’s without even knowing for sure what I’m getting myself into, then before I know it I’m already onto something else without even finishing the first thing in the first place. I have so many things left undone. I hate that, starting something you’re not able or going to finish anyways.

It is nearly the end of another year gone by …just like that. Where the Hell did it go?
I’m not yet two decades of age and already I feel as if life flies by at the snap of fingers.
Can someone please tell me what I have done to establish a better future for myself?
Even more worrying, what will the new year bring? What will I bring?

Am I finally going to grow up and get my act together, or am I going to continue to mope around and see if things fall into place as I have anticipated happening all this time?  I’ve always known that I would do something eventually, but that could end up being when I’m 60 and swaying back and forth in my rocking chair in a forever monotonous motion, still waiting for something to eventually smack me on the head and make me do something brilliant. It’s hard to will maturity on yourself, especially if your grasp is tenuous. For years there have been excuses, reasons that I could put things off a little longer. I suppose it means that I am reluctant to place the blame upon myself.
Why must I be so bloody apprehensive?
 I am entering adulthood within days. Oh Mi God...

This is where everything in my short little life comes back at me and I see it for what it may be worth. The post-adult stress has “alas” come to me,but this is very conducive to my development you figure;
he questioning, the memories, the speculation of the unknown, step by step movement towards some logical goa. I have discovered that I am perhaps not quite who I thought I might be, and I fear that I won’t ever know who that person really is, regardless of events, experience or whatever matter(s). Funny how one can find it easier to learn more about the world than about oneself. I seem to change from day to day actually, I’m always the same being but each day with a different perspective and means of intent. Therefore I can never piece it (my own self) together. I need to metamorphose my ideals, somehow change my ways, otherwise I will continue the mirror will continue to mock me, expose me.
For 2002, I’m going to take things into a new level; you see I have a plan in which I intend to keep, not just hope to keep. My New Years resolution list consists of over 20 goals, and none too easy either. I mean, simple things such as losing a few pounds, learning to save money, getting better jobs and so forth. These simple things seem so difficult to achieve. In achievement we gain pride ourselves, in difficulty we lose it. I know this. These are big goals for me to accept, never mind actually engage with. I have many goals to catch up on that I have disregarded time and time again. It’s about time I got it right - well at least some of them. (sigh)
My Ma tells me that ' I am but the bud of a blossoming flower. New petals may bloom every so often, and a generation of re-growth forms along with bigger thorns and my pollination becomes more potent. And all the while you look forward. You are screaming to grow.' (Now there’s a blatant cliché for you.) In a few weeks I’ll be considered of adult status. For crying out loud I still have to rely on my parents to eat. I am not ready to take on this sudden responsibility. However I always thought I could.

Do you have any idea how foolish I am? I just might have undeveloped myself into totally stupid. So entirely foolish I gave up another opportunity of going back to school. For some reason I reject the thought of going back  (no matter how much I want to go back) so I manage to avoid it each semester. Now I must wait it out until next September to enroll again. See what I’m getting at here. If I were smart about it and therefore mature enough to realize what an opportunity it was, I probably would be going to school by now…though I still don’t think it’s quite my thing regardless.
It almost seems impossible, but I need to learn how to breathe alone. The precious daisy that will not open up unless there is sunlight to awaken its spirit, relentlessly struggles to stand ground  with its soil. I desperately need to stand my own ground, just have to find it first.
 You know, it could be that I am still not giving myself enough credit here too. I really must come down on myself and kick my own ass into shape, but despite what has not occurred yet, look at the subtle few things that have achieved.

I was reading back on the last couple articles I wrote and (I don’t know about you but) even two months ago I sounded a little unlike today. In the previous articles I did not speak my mind. My mouth might have yes, but I noticed that some things I have written about were spoken too much off the cuff. You follow? Take for instance, how I would write my journal would be much more…expandable let's say. I would not deliberately censor what I wrote like I would right now for instance. Boy you have NO idea how much I do not reveal, and I believe you’d prefer it remained as so. I don’t exactly know why I automatically hold back however, refraining in a way is kind of dishonest, however the things I don’t inform you of aren’t necessary anyones business so I suppose it is better that I censor my writing, or my life rather. I also don’t talk as I am now in every day association either. I am much more eloquent here now because I am being patient, whereas I would spew out total nonsense any other occasion. I’m a big swearer and use a lot of slang in my vocabulary, very unlady like. I tend to hide a lot of what goes through my head and in my life.  A lot of the times what I utter  is very superficial, however true.  I don’t even know if people read these so-called articles, I may not attract a single reader. I mean, I convey certain events and retell them in reasonable manner, but there doesn’t seem to be too much creativity nor intrigue involved, where’s the heart in that?

Do I make people want to read on -if they do so in the first place, and if so, do they even care?
Anyway. I’ll get off it. I did have a point I was trying to get at except I lost it between other subordinate blabber. I think what I was aiming at was that you learn something every day and therefore each day you grow a tiny bit more. It’s a slow, grueling process, but eventually it comes right.

I noticed that my taste for things are starting to change. I’m sitting at home with a bottle of cabernet sauvignon, a Frank Sinatra CD and a can of oysters by the fire with a book.... I have that ritual nearly as often now  as I go out and voluntarily get plastered, all for the hell of it. (Frank Sinatra, I don’t believe it!) I go out far less than I usually do –or did?- these days, but mind you I also work two jobs at the moment so it’s not as if I can physically afford to.

Speaking of work, while we are at it why don’t I briefly inform you of this new found other job I recently took up, just to make this even more of an unfocused read.

 It is a decent job and all, though as we all know I am  an extremely restless person. I am not the kind-of-gal who can do the 6 hours on the phone, constantly repeating the same boring answers in front of a buzzing computer screen kind-of-job. I feel like a robot, an unchallenged robot. I need some action baby, I’m lazy enough as it is without having a job where I sit on my ass all day. I do get to work with a diverse group however. I don’t mean any offence when I say “rejects of society” (sorry if I don’t give a shit if I’m politically incorrect) but they are very unique and I will miss some of their company when I tire of the job. That is one of my goals remember, move on to bigger and better, and that’s including everywhere I work. Upgrading is key.
For the present moment I am working 6-7 days a week between the two I work most frequently. Ahhh crazy! And yet I still earn minimal wages I am forced to survive on.
(Now I’m just playing hard done by.)
Yes well anyways, as I was saying about my boyfriend, he really appears to havea way of putting me in my place. Trust me we have many discussions in this matter. I’m grateful he can give me constructive criticism avoiding making me feel like absolute crap. I think need that, especially from a male standard point, and I can’t stand to admit that either. I used to get really down or defensive about such comments, but I think it’s finally working, it’s getting through to me instead of to me. It’s terrifying how true things are  when you can see it through someone else’s eyes. I am seeing the world in many aspects, and although this also confused me in the past, I see it as beneficial now. There will be a day come soon where I possibly find my path and take my chances with it for whatever is thrown at me. I’m not prepared, but I will learn to be.
In conclusion, we have figured that I am like a fermenting wine not yet flourished in flavor. With age will come enrichment to its fullest, the grapes just need to ripen.
 After all, who doesn’t want quality?
That’s it for this month. Thanks for reading
Take care,
© Tabytha Towe from Vancouver,B.C.


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