RESOLUTIONS AND REVOLUTIONS
... In a few weeks Ill be considered of adult status.
For crying out loud I still have to rely on my parents to eat.
30th Tabytha turns 19 - Panic has begun to sink in
thing I have come to notice more often lately is that for once I
am focusing my attention a lot more. Well Im trying. Im
beginning to listen to my boyfriend word for word. (Usually that
wouldnt be a good idea, just that this guy is sincere.) I
honestly am so ridiculously focused I miss most everything. I live
in La La Land. It is hard for me to concentrate on one thing at
a time, I have dozens of thoughts racing through my head and crashing
into each other all at once, its not easy picking just one
to pay all of your attention to. When emotions get involved its
disastrous, Ill never fully rationalize.
in my life style too, not only in my writing. As you can tell for yourself
I go from one topic to another out of nowhere. I get involved in somethings
without even knowing for sure what Im getting myself into, then
before I know it Im already onto something else without even finishing
the first thing in the first place. I have so many things left undone.
I hate that, starting something youre not able or going to finish
It is nearly the end of another year gone by
just like that. Where
the Hell did it go?
Im not yet two decades of age and already I feel as if life flies
by at the snap of fingers.
Can someone please tell me what I have done to establish a better future
Even more worrying, what will the new year bring? What will I bring?
Am I finally going to grow up and get my act together, or am I going
to continue to mope around and see if things fall into place as I have
anticipated happening all this time? Ive always known that
I would do something eventually, but that could end up being when Im
60 and swaying back and forth in my rocking chair in a forever monotonous
motion, still waiting for something to eventually smack me on the head
and make me do something brilliant. Its hard to will maturity
on yourself, especially if your grasp is tenuous. For years there have
been excuses, reasons that I could put things off a little longer. I
suppose it means that I am reluctant to place the blame upon myself.
Why must I be so bloody apprehensive?
I am entering adulthood within days. Oh Mi God...
This is where everything in my short little life comes back at me and
I see it for what it may be worth. The post-adult stress has alas
come to me,but this is very conducive to my development you figure;
the memories, the speculation of the unknown, step by step movement
towards some logical goa. I have discovered that I am perhaps not quite
who I thought I might be, and I fear that I wont ever know who
that person really is, regardless of events, experience or whatever
matter(s). Funny how one can find it easier to learn more about the
world than about oneself. I seem to change from day to day actually,
Im always the same being but each day with a different perspective
and means of intent. Therefore I can never piece it (my own self) together.
I need to metamorphose my ideals, somehow change my ways, otherwise
I will continue the mirror will continue to mock me, expose me.
For 2002, Im going to take things into a new level; you see I
have a plan in which I intend to keep, not just hope to keep. My New
Years resolution list consists of over 20 goals, and none too easy either.
I mean, simple things such as losing a few pounds, learning to save
money, getting better jobs and so forth. These simple things seem so
difficult to achieve. In achievement we gain pride ourselves, in difficulty
we lose it. I know this. These are big goals for me to accept, never
mind actually engage with. I have many goals to catch up on that I have
disregarded time and time again. Its about time I got it right
- well at least some of them. (sigh)
My Ma tells me that ' I am but the bud of a blossoming flower.
New petals may bloom every so often, and a generation of re-growth forms
along with bigger thorns and my pollination becomes more potent. And
all the while you look forward. You are screaming to grow.' (Now theres
a blatant cliché for you.) In a few weeks Ill be considered
of adult status. For crying out loud I still have to rely on my parents
to eat. I am not ready to take on this sudden responsibility. However
I always thought I could.
Do you have any idea how foolish I am? I just might have undeveloped
myself into totally stupid. So entirely foolish I gave up another opportunity
of going back to school. For some reason I reject the thought of going
back (no matter how much I want to go back) so I manage to avoid
it each semester. Now I must wait it out until next September to enroll
again. See what Im getting at here. If I were smart about it and
therefore mature enough to realize what an opportunity it was, I probably
would be going to school by now
though I still dont think
its quite my thing regardless.
It almost seems impossible, but I need to learn how to breathe alone.
The precious daisy that will not open up unless there is sunlight to
awaken its spirit, relentlessly struggles to stand ground with
its soil. I desperately need to stand my own ground, just have to find
You know, it could be that I am still not giving myself enough
credit here too. I really must come down on myself and kick my own ass
into shape, but despite what has not occurred yet, look at the subtle
few things that have achieved.
I was reading back on the last couple articles I wrote and (I dont
know about you but) even two months ago I sounded a little unlike today.
In the previous articles I did not speak my mind. My mouth might have
yes, but I noticed that some things I have written about were spoken
too much off the cuff. You follow? Take for instance, how I would write
my journal would be much more
expandable let's say. I would not
deliberately censor what I wrote like I would right now for instance.
Boy you have NO idea how much I do not reveal, and I believe youd
prefer it remained as so. I dont exactly know why I automatically
hold back however, refraining in a way is kind of dishonest, however
the things I dont inform you of arent necessary anyones
business so I suppose it is better that I censor my writing, or my life
rather. I also dont talk as I am now in every day association
either. I am much more eloquent here now because I am being patient,
whereas I would spew out total nonsense any other occasion. Im
a big swearer and use a lot of slang in my vocabulary, very unlady like.
I tend to hide a lot of what goes through my head and in my life.
A lot of the times what I utter is very superficial, however true.
I dont even know if people read these so-called articles, I may
not attract a single reader. I mean, I convey certain events and retell
them in reasonable manner, but there doesnt seem to be too much
creativity nor intrigue involved, wheres the heart in that?
Do I make people want to read on -if they do so in the first place,
and if so, do they even care?
Anyway. Ill get off it. I did have a point I was trying to get
at except I lost it between other subordinate blabber. I think what
I was aiming at was that you learn something every day and therefore
each day you grow a tiny bit more. Its a slow, grueling process,
but eventually it comes right.
I noticed that my taste for things are starting to change. Im
sitting at home with a bottle of cabernet sauvignon, a Frank Sinatra
CD and a can of oysters by the fire with a book.... I have that ritual
nearly as often now as I go out and voluntarily get plastered,
all for the hell of it. (Frank Sinatra, I dont believe it!) I
go out far less than I usually do or did?- these days, but mind
you I also work two jobs at the moment so its not as if I can
physically afford to.
Speaking of work, while we are at it why dont I briefly inform
you of this new found other job I recently took up, just to make this
even more of an unfocused read.
It is a decent job and all, though as we all know I am an
extremely restless person. I am not the kind-of-gal who can do the 6
hours on the phone, constantly repeating the same boring answers in
front of a buzzing computer screen kind-of-job. I feel like a robot,
an unchallenged robot. I need some action baby, Im lazy enough
as it is without having a job where I sit on my ass all day. I do get
to work with a diverse group however. I dont mean any offence
when I say rejects of society (sorry if I dont give
a shit if Im politically incorrect) but they are very unique and
I will miss some of their company when I tire of the job. That is one
of my goals remember, move on to bigger and better, and thats
including everywhere I work. Upgrading is key.
For the present moment I am working 6-7 days a week between the two
I work most frequently. Ahhh crazy! And yet I still earn minimal wages
I am forced to survive on.
(Now Im just playing hard done by.)
Yes well anyways, as I was saying about my boyfriend, he really appears
to havea way of putting me in my place. Trust me we have many discussions
in this matter. Im grateful he can give me constructive criticism
avoiding making me feel like absolute crap. I think need that, especially
from a male standard point, and I cant stand to admit that either.
I used to get really down or defensive about such comments, but I think
its finally working, its getting through to me instead of
to me. Its terrifying how true things are when you can see
it through someone elses eyes. I am seeing the world in many aspects,
and although this also confused me in the past, I see it as beneficial
now. There will be a day come soon where I possibly find my path and
take my chances with it for whatever is thrown at me. Im not prepared,
but I will learn to be.
In conclusion, we have figured that I am like a fermenting wine not
yet flourished in flavor. With age will come enrichment to its fullest,
the grapes just need to ripen.
After all, who doesnt want quality?
Thats it for this month. Thanks for reading
© Tabytha Towe from Vancouver,B.C.
AND HAVE A AN EXCEPTIONALLY HAPPY NEW YEAR!!
moment from Taby Towe's life:
SEVEN and a half EIGHT.
© www.hackwriters.com 2009