NEW WOMAN NEEDS SLEEP
Tabitha Towe - our Vancouver girl
I bring this up for I have at last given in to the fact that sleep is
not a waste
of my precious time".
hard to believe that almost a whole month has flashed by from 2002
but I feel as if I am already falling behind.
Its a new year and since I have just turned 19 years of age
I am now a new woman. Therefore, I should have a new life set ahead
of me, but then again, every day is a new day, why not take advantage
of each day you breathe?
Just because the calendar claims a new year doesnt mean
that after the clock strikes midnight on December 31st that our
miraculously change in an instant.
The reason why I
feel as if Im behind after three weeks is simply because nothing
has changed for me
(but I must say yet.) Even I was
under the impression that I would start accomplishing my drastic personal
goals by now and recognise that, hey, last year is over and now I can
suddenly alter my life. To be humbly honest however, I have not tried
hard enough to find a possible way to turn around my old ways, especially
in time for January 1st. It is going to take a lot of time to be able
to do anything that requires so much effort in the first place, never
mind anticipating a rewarding outcome of your efforts. Oh yes and let
us be realistic, knowing me, I probably wont succeed in my goals
until next year, and by then I can change my mind and go through the
whole resolution turmoil all over again!? Sure sounds like fun.
You know what troubles me? (By that I mean utter torment as an understatement.)
I cannot remember what it feels like to feel well rested anymore. Seriously,
Ive nearly forgotten how to sleep. It is truly very sad, and so
many others suffer from the lack of it. I bring this up for I have at
last given in to the fact that sleep is not a waste of my precious time.
I actually miss out on more by being exhausted than I would have to
have gone to bed a couple hours earlier. I always force my eyes to stay
open and cannot possibly explain why at this point. Since my sleeping
habits are so bad after all these years of running on a short fuse,
I have pretty much trained myselfto be an insomniac. This fatigue is
driving me up the wall!!! Its not a useful skill to slip into
dream mode while being completely conscious ok; why, Im spacing
out as we speak. My poor imagination is becoming a recluse, my inspiration
is becoming discouraged, why else would I write about this? Nearly every
day I wake up feeling like I got smashed by a truck as I desperately
try to piece myself back together with my weakened limbs, dehydrated
throat, and shit for brains.
Then there I am, unmotivated and half assed for the rest of the day,
convincing my body its rejuvenated because Ive pumped my
nerves full of coffee, eventually pushing myself till I fall over like
a bag of beans. I am awaiting the day I wake up revitalized with an
amazing endorphin high because I actually have natural energy to work
Im finally exercising and stretching to help relax me before bed
and turning the lights off earlier. First off, I think Ill start
by coming home before am hours like normal people do. I just want to
sleep sound at night so I may embrace the morning replenished to fulfill
every minute of the day. (Boy, I even get human mechanism messed up.)
I contradict myself a little too much. I cant even get to sleep,
so how the hell am I going to progress? I say Im ready to move
on but can never be prepared for what the world has in store for me,
or perhaps what I may have in store for the world. I actually once thought
that I could take it all upon my scrawny shoulders-- ignorance really
is bliss. The more I know, the more I want to know, yet the more frustrated
I become with what I have learned, and really we know nothing. Nevertheless,
one thing I do know for certain, is that I must get started today. Whats
to hold me back? I look forward but do not move forward; rather I stay
in my safe little place or even backtrack.
I admit I have a real hard time of letting go, in fact I know I do.
I still procrastinate more than ever when now is the best time to use
my time wisely. A new year has come and as well should I become
Funny how (and everyone can relate to this) when you are younger you
are in such a hurry to grow up. I feel old at 19 and yet still too young
to be 19. Im completely out of place, Im confused as to
where my place is or is supposed to be. When I was 14 years old I looked
upon 19 as the ideal age, the representation of freedom, the coming
of age into womanhood with a respectful status in the world. The only
significance I found was that it really isnt that big of a deal
anymore. Im now considered legal on paper to do the things that
I have been doing since I was 14 anyways. Big deal! All
I wish for now is that I didnt waste so much of my childhood by
being in such a rush to grow up. I honestly would give up everything
I had now to be a kid again - but who wouldnt?
And Im saying that when I still am a kid for Christs sakes!
Not a comforting thought is it?!
I even feel in a weird way that I missed out on quite a bit of my teenage
era, (nonetheless I still suffer from teenage-angst) for I always took
being a stubborn and curious teenager for granted instead of just accepting
it. I always tried to hang out with older crowds and I pretended to
act like I knew what was going on when half the time Id laugh
my way out of things I didnt understand (people must have thought
I was easily humored.)
When I was younger I convinced myself I was older, and Im only
a bit older today, but I feel much younger now that I have realized
what maturity actually is to be able to compare it and apply it.
Allow me to give you a small example:
For my 19th birthday I thought I should give everyone a reason to come
out and celebrate. The people I invited would surely come at any excuse
to party right. I had invited at least twenty -odd people out, people
of which I might have known for a long time and since we had partied
together on many occasions I considered them friends, (not that I was
ever close with most of them otherwise.) I expected the traditional
19th birthday bash where you pretty much go off until you forget your
name then get sick and daylight shows. (What a way of grasping adulthood)
Instead of the inevitable drinking binge, I had planned a nice dinner
where everyone could socialize with each other without having to shout
over one another- and then later we would go out to a club where everyone
could get absolutely trashed. Well, when I had arrived at the restaurant,
only eight of the twenty people the table were reserved for showed up.
At first I was a little disappointed, more so humiliated I guess at
the fact that no one saw my birthday was an important enough event to
come out to. When no one had offered me a drink and there was no little
dessert with a candle on it I just sighed andI paid for my dinner, I
was kind of offended, and that is pretty hard for me to admit because
I often play the martyr. I didnt expect anyone to make any sacrifices
for me or anything, just that if it were the other way around I know
I would have done something for them. Anyhow, cry-myself-a-Goddamned-river,
at least they showed up.
Sooner or later I figured I was worrying about something that shouldnt
matter as much as the people who did show, that I couldnt feel
as if I was unappreciated. I felt like a total brat at that point and
I couldnt stand it, and thats where I realized maturity
came into place. A birthday doesnt count for much these days really,
people dont even count their blessings. Plain and simple, Life
is not fair, No one gets treated the same, Nothing turns out as you
wish and thats just tough. *Thats not being a melodramatic
pessimist either, and I accept -finally. I learned the value of friendship
through different eyes that night. I didnt concern myself with
what wasnt - but to be grateful for what was. Perhaps it is so
that I am growing up after all, for if it were my 18th birthday party
and I didnt get to go out and drink myself stupid, perhaps I wouldnt
have been able to enjoy myself. I got to look at this party as memorable
because I remember who came out and because, well, simply I never ended
up getting plastered. Huh, imagine that!
There was an interesting comment I read the other day about suburban
youth in society with the influences of media on how it effects our
progression or what not, especially seeing as they grow older and how
their perspectives change. It was quoted something like Expired
teens not up to date with challenges past high school
something or other. I thought it was kind of a cute caption regardless
of its weary gesture. It does actually apply quite well come to think
So there we have it, I suppose then I need to get updated on the real
world and must succumb to its humble grounding as a new found adult
soon as I feel like acting like one.
And now ladies and gentlemen, I shall make a worthy attempt to call
it a night. Hopefully someone is willing to hit me over the head with
Good night! Good luck to us all for the New Year.
© Tabytha Towe 2002
Previously by Tabytha
moment from Tabyatha Towe's life:
SEVEN and a half EIGHT.