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Tab “…Sometimes relationships get ill…” - The Roots
Tabytha Towe's Diary

My boyfriend and I share something real and wonderful, frustrating and hopeful and hopeless all at once. What a team we are.

It is absolutely true too.
My boyfriend and I can relate to what one of our favorite music groups quote when they say that line in their song. No doubt everybody can. Relationships with your families or friends, lovers or business partners, there are always times where they can get real messy. I know I have a mess to clean up with a loved one at least once or twice a day.

Where does it usually come from we wonder? Hmmm, let us see: Anything from difference in opinion to conflicting timing to total disagreement to broken promises or pure lack of communication or even just for the sake of arguing. There are just as many cons as there are pros to any relationship, you just have to want to get by them.
As for my darling boyfriend and I, we have just celebrated our eighth glorious month together.

Why I say glorious is because, for me, these past eight months have been exactly that.. It has been unlike any other relationship either one of us has ever been involved in. It has also been the longest for us both (we have not had long lasting relationships previously, yet we have had many short lived ones.)

After eight months we have learned quite a bit through each other, but things have definitely changed. Obviously as time goes on feelings for the other person start to develop into stronger ones, you become a little more comfortable with that person ---but then again, you also may find it easier to quarrel more often, and you either end up spending more or less time with that person. In our circumstance, we are the kind of couple who, as time goes on, spend less time together. You know what, I think it rather suits us better than to spend all that extra time hanging around each other. I mean, we love our mothers very much, but do we really want to see her all the time? Ok that was a bad example, what I am trying to get at is that it’s healthy to miss someone (sometimes.)

I see a lot of my coupled up friends living together and it works out great for them, although they are also older than me and speak of possible marriage, where as I still freak out a little at the words “commitment” or “settling down”. I am pretty sure that I haven’t gotten my own life figured out yet to worry about one with another’s, yet that being said is also only for the time being.

You would think that after eight months of sharing part of my life with someone, especially someone whom I care for greatly, that certain doubts should not be so. They are old concerns I probably haven’t fully let go of that are now mixed with new ones. It’s perfectly natural isn’t it, coming from such a young, free spirited, emotionally bewildered woman? I do brew these quandaries up myself, although I cannot be soley responsible for all the differing aspects of my doubts, they have to come from somewhere. I’ll take the blame for allowing things to get to me. Perhaps it’s simple realisation though… Let’s be real here. Deep down inside both my boyfriend and I know what we want from each other and are either too hesitant to ask one another, or else we already know what the answers are. Concealing our desires or keeping our thoughts to ourselves is not going to help either one of us out either. OK, OK, it’s more like me not to speak up, which does create an indirect problem. As to why I don’t always talk about what bothers me, that’s actually something I would like to know.

I suppose I don’t really bargain for a very strong defense in my favor; however I do know how to spaz or cry -not always in my favor mind you. I don’t want to say communication makes a relationship last, but it certainately makes it a lot easier. My boyfriend and I joke about how much hard work it is to maintain a boy/girlfriend relationship. Companionship along with intimacy is quite a big package and I wouldn’t expect it to be any other way. Now, whether we discuss certain events or choose to bring up particular issues or not, we have this mutual understanding. I know it sounds like such a justification, but we kind of do. Sometimes you say more by not speaking. You know the saying, ‘a picture is worth more than a thousand words’. (Maybe that’s what I was trying to get at!?) We have this unexplainable compassion for each other, as if we have known each other for years. Like I said months ago when we became first acquainted, immediately we were close, just drawn to each other. Obviously the magnetic impulse lasts for only so long as the other person remains a new mystery, but the compassion will always be there, just as we will always be there for one another. Maybe we need to show more of it, maybe more of everything if we are going to be in this relationship.

Perhaps we take for granted what we do have and are concerned more with what we don’t do or with what we aren’t. I for one don’t even know what we share together anymore; sad to say, but it really isn’t that sad to handle. It’s almost as if we might be holding on for the sake of being afraid of losing each other, which we both know won’t happen in any case, regardless of breaking up or sticking through. It’s a challenge for us to truly understand what is best, for today and tomorrow. We cannot waste time or energy being frantic over remote matters, we know what is precious to us.

Take for instance Valentines day coming up. I’ve bitter and sweet remarks about the occasion, (hence last years article regarding the day,) but we’ll leave my reasons out of it. Usually I would go gaga with romantic ideas of the candlelight event, and that is not to say that I haven’t this year since I have someone I’d like to indulge the ordeal with, but I haven’t stressed over it because we can have a romantic day any day if we so choose. One marked day should not be an excuse to show your affection for your loved ones, not to say again that it isn’t cool that we do have an annual celebration for it, just that personally I would prefer not to experience all the heady expectations surrounding it and therefore be happier with what is. Does that make sense to you?

I must sound like I’m either hiding something or am afraid of something that might happen; or hasn’t yet happened, or maybe of something that already has happened and I’m too shitless to admit it. My boyfriend is right, ever since we became a couple, ever since monogamy was accepted, pretty much ever since the day we met, I have always been too wrapped up in the whole idea of a 'relationship'.

We actually share the same feelings right now on how timing is affecting us. When it comes down to it, it really is all in the timing. He’s at the point in his life where he knows exactly where he is going, he’s chosen his direction and he is giving it his all right now. He has to. To be frank, a girlfriend almost gets in the way of what he wants to do. I’m not even trying to be harsh here, it’s just simply the way it is. Whereas I on the other hand, being the queen of stubborn, I want to be able to have the time to grow, and I am slowly (but surely I assure you) getting to that point, but I’m still at the point where a career choice hasn't presented itself to me and I love socializing too much. I’m 19, not 23!! Results are not going to be sudden.

Wow! I never really looked at how the importance of being on the same level applies. Sharing common interest is a given if you are attracted to someone, but difference in lifestyles -completely I might add - are a conflicting matter. Not enough to freak out about, but enough to question the whole thing.

Moral of the story, honestly, I don’t have one for you. It has nothing to do with morality actually, more so truth, beauty and life.

My boyfriend and I share something real and wonderful, frustrating and hopeful and hopeless all at once. What a team we are. He truly is my closest friend. We are not going to lose our companionship regardless of any obstacle. We nearly care too much for one another to let anything come between us.

That is why I am not worried about us, despite the relationship factor perhaps coming to an end in the near future. When something ends something new arises, it’s all in the cycle, ying and yang baby. Without ups life would not be worthy but without downs the ups would not be as rewarding.

Well I believe I have spilled my guts enough to you by now. Some that I perhaps shouldn’t have and we’re not even near the bottom yet. I know everyone can relate to that. Hopefully all of you have someone special to appreciate on Valentines. Absolutely no one should feel unloved because they always are and just may not know it. It shows in weird ways that’s for sure! Thanks for joining me in my little world.

© Tabytha Towe Feb 2002

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