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REALITY CHECK
THE
SKY IS FALLING, BY THE WAY
James Campion
"The sun was fine when Bill Clinton was president." |
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I dont
know if anyones noticed, but the sun is falling apart.
I figure its a subject worthy of my attention for this weeks
blather, but Im only getting dribs and drabs from scientists,
and they dont speak much. This is unheard of in journalistic circles,
wherein a meteorologist will explode into orgasmic apoplectic fits over
a snowstorm.
But despite the alarming lack of hyperbole from the science community,
chunks of the sun are dropping to earth.
I see this as big news.
Yet the other night I viewed something on the local NBC feed about a
hippo eating a birthday cake or another riveting note concerning Jennifer
Aniston calling George Bush a "dumb ass" on CNN.
Im thinking we could have bumped those juicy morsels for a few
seconds on the possible end of planet earth as we know it.
For pretty much a week large pieces of our main source for life on this
planet have become unhinged. What I believe the geeks call Solar Flares,
or CMEs (Coronal Mass Ejections) have been plummeting toward earth daily.
And these CMEs are apparently in a hurry. Scientists who will go on
record say these things normally make the 93 million mile trek in a
few days, but these latest chunks of burning gases arrived in our magnetic
field in a record 19 hours. To use laymans terms, that is some
serious shit.
However, these professionals begin to lose me with their gibberish about
magnetospheres generating geomagnetic storms which boost the northern
and southern lights and make pretty pictures and colors in the sky and...
Jesus Christ, there are pieces of the sun dropping off and diving into
the planets atmosphere!
This doesnt alarm anyone?
Oh, I see, when the millennium ends people run to Mecca and Jerusalem
to prepare for the apocalypse, but when the sun starts to malfunction,
its business as usual.
Well, not exactly business as usual. Were also told our cell phones
and tracking systems might burp, power grids are undulating, and it
will be harder to land planes in a magnetic field being pummeled with
supercharged flaming clouds of concentrated energy.
Where is that Verizon asshole these days?
"Can you hear me now?"
"Sorry, dipshit, Im being incinerated."
Someone asked me the other day if I was bummed that the Yankees lost
the World Series.
"Yes, it was a disappointing end to a fine season and HUGE PIECES
OF THE FUCKING SUN ARE FALLING TOWARD THE EARTH!" Its always
tough to give meaningful sports commentary when faced with the cruelty
of nature and the implosion of your solar system.
This has been a tough tenure for George Bush, what with the mainland
being attacked and waging fourteen wars and Allen Greenspan having been
holed up in a Georgetown bar tanked to the tits on pure absinthe and
jabbering loudly about betting the national deficit on a three-team
teaser, but what kind of press conference do you hold when the sun starts
shedding?
"Weve got the best people working on this." You think
Dick Gephardt could blame a faulty orb of gas on Captain Shoe-In?
"The sun was fine when Bill Clinton was president."

Aurora activity
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Sure,
these astrological mishaps happen all the time, but I think it deserves
at least a 60 Minutes piece or an hourly update on the FOX News
channel over, lets see, the Kobe Bryant case! Well, Ive
done my part. I have nothing left to impart. What else needs to
be broached? Im no scientist or doomsayer, per se, but I know
potential trouble or a scintillating news story when I see it. The
sky is falling. |
For
my money, that is the headline of all headlines. I should retire this
meaningless existence now and go out with a bang, but I am nothing if
not a trooper and I shall go down with the proverbial ship. We will
trudge on and write about the final days with grit and aplomb.
Or not.
© James Campion November 1ist 2003
realitycheck@jamescampion.com
James Campion.com
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