The International Writers Magazine: REALITY CHECK
SAY YOU WANT A SAUDI REVOLUTION?
no mistake about this; there is a full-scale revolution breaking
in Saudi Arabia right now. This is beyond terrorism or the usual
random acts of violence seen around the Middle East, like what is
currently become daily routine in Iraq or a right-of-passage hobby
This is revolution, like what transpired here and in France during
the latter stages of the 18th century or in Cuba, Viet Nam and Iran
in the late 20th century. And thats how this government, or any
restructured version this November, must understand it and eventually
deal with it.
However, unlike the revolutions noted above the Saudi Muslim extremist
movement, fragmented and haphazard as it is, has no competent central
leadership nor does it have a fucking clue how to unseat a government.
It is, they are, all over the map. Beheading foreign transients, assassinating
negotiators and blowing up jeeps are all well and good, but where is
the government installations or media outlets, the embassy attacks or
anything that could signify a true threat to the Saudi monarchy? Granted,
it is a weak and silly attempt at revolution, but it is revolution nonetheless.
The plan, for whatever its worth, currently revolves around scaring
the shit out of American engineers and ambassadors to expunge the 30,000
or so U.S. citizens from Saudi Arabia to weaken its economy and crack
the back of its government. Things have not changed in 50 years. Without
U.S. and European engineers and scientists the Saudi production of oil
- its only export worth a damn - would likely sputter and implode. So
its a descent plan, and one thats been enacted by other
successful revolutions, however it will not be enough.
You see, unlike Cuba or even Viet Nam the U.S. government, one either
run by G.W. Bush or John Kerry will not allow a band of Arab pirates
to run amok in Saudi Arabia. This is why on his current book tour Bill
Clinton has been praising the Bush administrations doctrine in
Iraq and Junior gushed about "the great Bill Clinton" last
week during the unveiling of a portrait at the White House.
Regardless of partisan politics the U.S. government is in deep with
Saudi Arabia. Is there anyone left in this electorate who fails to realize
why we liberated Kuwait a decade ago and our troops are presently still
in Iraq? To secure Saudi Arabia, chief. You think theres any coincidence
the Saudi ambassador knew about the invasion of Iraq before the Secretary
of State, who was asked to sell this badly staged magic show to the
U.N.? Its also why the U.S. Army will be asked to defend the Saudi
This is a mistake. It is painfully obvious we have backed the wrong
horse on this. Let the Saudis crumble. Its time the American
people are made aware of the monsters running the Saudi regime and its
two-faced policies of making billions on American ingenuity and a U.S.
dependence on oil while also sucking up to entrenched traditions of
hating Western infidels and filling school curriculums with murderous
religious fanaticism. The time has come for these rapacious phonies
to be shown the guillotine. If were really into freeing the world,
lets start with Saudi Arabia.
For those uninitiated in foreign policy, this is called an End Around.
Thats how you beat terrorism; join em, or more to the point,
let them join us.
Now of course Im not saying we forget 9/11 and hand the store
over to radical loons, but whats the point of continuously fighting
a cadre of fifty different powerless psycho groups wearing masks and
skulking in caves and living on the tenets of ancient religious mumbo
jumbo? This has doomed other major sovereignties like Rome, Russia,
etc. Its high time we let these cretins run the desert. If its
their turn to topple the monarchies over there, so be it. Why should
we stand in the way? Because were afraid these anarchists will
blow up the oil reserves and build some kind of religious commune worthy
of the Essences and screw the rest of the world? Cmon.
We have to stop painting these terrorists as invincible sub-creatures
fueled merely by hatreds of freedom and Western customs and begin to
realize theyre no different from us. Theyre weak and stupid
and buy into all sorts of hokey bullshit. They crave money, power, clean
laundry, and sex. Theyre not mindless brutish aliens hell bent
on wiping out the evils of corporate American greed to bring the Arab
world back to 12th century customs. Theyre cash-hungry power-mad
humans, with all the same jealousies and temptations as every other
asshole that has fist-fucked this planet for a slice of the pie.
You can bet the ranch the second these shit-stains take charge theyll
be dealing oil to us like the current pack of thugs. We barely understand
the names, so whats the difference what Sheik is selling us the
oil? We might even get it cheaper if OPEC goes under. Im all for
Remember the Russian revolution? Remember how Socialist tenets would
rule post-war Europe and eventually the globe? There was going to be
equality of economic status across the land. Kings will be defunct.
Right. Then Stalin booted the socialists out and started the Soviet
dictatorship run under the guise of Communism. He beat Hitler so he
could become Hitler. And in a sense we helped him.
Theres been a lot of nonsense reasoning reborn with Reagans
death that America somehow ended Communism in Europe, except the truth
is Communism died like all "isms" die, when theres no
money in it.
The popular wisdom to protect oil trade by keeping it from the hands
of lunatic factions erupting in Saudi Arabia is wrong. This is because
the popular wisdom chooses to believe the creed of criminals wanting
to destroy oil production and cripple the United States, instead of
realizing that in the history of human experience no people have turned
their backs on making a buck. Whoever takes control in Saudi Arabia
today or tomorrow will deal with America, because when it comes to oil
consumption, it is the 400-pound gorilla, and they have to deal with
Weve been looking at this the wrong way because your leaders are
old-school punks whove been running around the world imposing
an atavistic will on peoples they consider inferior or somehow inhuman.
This has gotten us into all sorts of trouble. And I fear John Kerry,
if he ever says anything binding besides, "Im not George
Bush" will slip right in and perpetuate the same tiresome dogma.
Name one administration, Republican or Democrat that hasnt.
Of course if youve read this space for any length of time you
know we consider Osama bin Laden a corpse. But lets just say for
the sake of this argument that hes still alive. Let him - or any
other phony revolutionary lout for that matter - take Saudi Arabia back
for Allah or whatever ridiculous con hes pitching his minions.
Allow him to take power and succumb to the big spender in the oil market.
Then well buy his oil like the gluttonous goons we are, and soon
after, one of the poor saps who bought into his "rebel with a cause"
routine will be appalled at the sacrilegious impertinence of dealing
with the western devils and put a bullet in his head.
© James Campion
James will be back on Hacks in September 2004
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